Review: Asian Chicken and Chili Soup

OK, so here's my review of the Asian Chicken and Chili Soup. Good overall flavor, but somehow lacked depth. When you got spoonfuls with the freshly chopped scallion, it had a really nice almost onion soup quality flavor that gave it what the rest was missing.

Possibly the soup would be better in 2nd day status, though I'm a bit skeptical about that since the recipe specifically called for you to reheat/cook some of the ingredients for only a few moments just before eating.

But, the flip side of the light flavor is a benefit... As JB noted, you don't feel bad about eating a whole big bowl of it, and soaking up the bottom with bread since it's pretty light!

I did bring some in for my friend Leah to try, perhaps she'll give us an Iron Chef guest judge review in a comment later, though I can't picture her with a high shy voice constantly giggling in between comments or anything (thinking old school IC here). She'd be more the serious food columnist reviewer, though hopefully not as harsh.

And tonight - Tostadas!

Busy day yesterday

Yesterday was another good and full day. Started out making lemon curd, inspired by Jamie's post from a few days ago, recipe courtesy of Bakerina. It looked simple enough, and I've been really dying to make something and be able to put it in a jar. It was SOOO simple. And it is SOOO delicious!!! Yummy. Now I just need to pick up some mini tart shells and whipped cream, and stop eating it right out of the jar.

Back to all the activities... I planted the 2nd blackberry bush (finally, poor thing).

After the planting I watered in the blackberry, and Murph got thoroughly soaked playing "chase the sprayer" (I have to admit that I encouraged it, spraying in circles and figure 8's while laughing my ass off as the dog chased it at full speed). So, a bath for each dog immediately followed.

Both dogs clean and me soaking wet (and still muddy from planting), my sis called, spent an hour or so on the phone catching up (she had never heard of a food dehydrator {!}).

Finally gave myself a shower, then off to the library with JB.

Back from the library, took a quick nap... And finally, woke up, ate pizza from the farmer's market (yum!), then made Poached Chicken and Chicken Broth so that tonight I can use those to make Asian Chicken and Chili Soup and tomorrow Tostadas Salsa Verde . (Part of my personal Cooking 101 - Independent Study!)

Last Night's Feast

Had a couple of friends over for dinner last night. We made a run to the DeKalb Farmer's Market and came home with a great mix of wonderful goodies! For dinner JB made his famous cedar plank salmon on the grill (topped with fresh basil - yay spring!). As a side we had our staple, Basmati rice, and I made a delightful Mango and Hearts of Palm Salad with Lime Vinaigrette (from Jan/Feb issue of Everyday Food).

Great finds at the Goodwill yesterday

Went to the local Goodwill yesterday to drop off some clothes, and wound up coming home with some great finds! The first thing JB found was a food dehydrator - I've been wanting one, and this one was 1/3 the price of the same model new (I know, cause I've been looking!). It works, looks super clean (even cleaner since I scrubbed it down).

The second thing I stumbled across and was super excited about was this small greenhouse shelf unit:

And finally, JB found this kerosene heater (we can run it on veggie oil, of course) that he was all jazzed about:


All in all, a great day, super finds for (of course) a super price!!!

Bye, bye Bella.

Sweet Bella got adopted!
JB had enrolled her in the humane society's "rehoming" program and last weekend he took her to the humane society adoption center in the Discover Mills Mall. Of course, someone took an instant shine to the cutie, but they were going out of town for Spring Break and couldn't comfortably take her home until this weekend.

She is a sweet girl and going to a great home - the lady + 3 small children (oldest is 5) came to pick Bella up yesterday (husband was out of town on business or some such). It made me feel a bit better about giving up baby Bella bear to hear the lady talk about how this is going to be the dog that the children grow up with and remember as their childhood pet (the 5 year old will know the dog into her teenage years, etc.).

Bye, bye Bella. All the luck and love in the world to you. We'll miss you.

Global Warming

Change my evil ways

So currently I'm a big house person. What I mean by that is that my S.O. and I, and our two dogs Gracie and Murphy, occupy a 3 story (two story plus daylight basement), 5 bedroom, 3.5 bath house. I've often thought and voiced to the S.O. that it's a waste, too much house for the two of us. Two of the bedrooms pretty much stay closed at all times, except on the rare occasion we have guests.

It goes to the whole overly consumeristic and bigger is better mentality that many of us have. It's a bad mentality. More isn't actually better, it's just, well, more. Not to mention the whole environmental unfriendliness of it.

I'm not moving immediately. I'm too damn comfortable, and sometimes thats a bad thing - too much comfort can soak up all those resolutions to do the right things - do the right thing, or do the easy thing. Often I choose the easy one. I don't always practice what I preach right away, but I keep preaching anyway, because just because I'm lazy doesn't mean I don't believe it. And when the time comes I'll choose smarter.

So, for those of you that want to do the right things, eventually, a little help and information never hurts:

The Small House Society

Wee Houses

And, if you don't believe in global warming (and, yes, big houses are a contributor), read this, or this, or this.

Welcome to Preserving Food at Home: A Self-Study

Yay! This site has a free internet self study course... I'm registered!

I've got to take those next steps for my goals, start penciling in times and days to devote to getting to everything I want to do more of. It's great that I want to do so much, but it really doesn't matter if I never actually take the steps to pursue it because I'm busy, what, watching really bad reality TV? Ya know?

Next steps, develop a plan - less TV, more progress.

Saving myself

OK so I saved myself. I had to. *whew*

Bad enough I have to explain how humiliating it would be to someone. And, of course, someone who's still wearing rose colored glasses about the intent and characteristics of our team.

Blech. What a lovely day. Not only do I get to experience deep hurt and humiliation once (on my birthday, no less! with my SO out of town until 11pm that night!), but I get to relive it again (and again).

I'm definitely going to leave here for lunch today. I need a sun bath for my mood.

-----
Eww. After note because I feel it is necessary to add something here. We do have some VERY nice people on our team that I am totally not crediting for their niceness (I realize it sounds like the whole team sucks, and truthfully it doesn't). Just that for the most part the nice people are, well, men. What that means is that they have no involvement in any birthday well wishing responsibilities. And, of the non-catty women, they know that particular people manage the birthday calendars, so they don't worry too much about it.

Oh well. I am Over It. As they said once on the show "Friends"... "Bitter, party of one? Your table is available."

And damn if life isn't just too short to be bitter.

Bunches of Birthdays

Happy birthday Fuzzy, happy soon to be birthday Rhi!

Today has got me thinking birthdays. Yesterday we celebrated our boss' birthday, and while we were all gathered together around the communal goodies, the coordinator I work with asked me when my birthday is. "January" I whispered. Why did I whisper, you ask? Because my birthday was conveniently "forgotten" by my team this year. Or, more specifically, what I believe to be true is, my birthday was subjected to selective memory by the catty haters I work with that are the birthday ringleaders. And, realistically, I am just fine with that. Actually, no I'm not, I'm hurt. But I think it's pretty dumb of me to feel hurt by the actions of shallow and vindictive people. So, I know. Get over it. But whatever, I do have feelings.

And, you know, I'm normally the optimistic benefit of the doubt person, but I had "BDAY" written on my VERY publicly displayed calendar in BIG, PINK letters, and I know I saw a few different people eyeing it openly in the days beforehand. Not to mention, my birthday was conveniently forgotten and belatedly celebrated last year as well. If anyone felt even a little bad about it then, they would have noted it down for future reference.

So (cut back to me, standing in the conference room holding my bowl of sugar free ice cream), of course my coordinator (a very nice and naive lady) looked at me with horror and whispered back "but, why didn't we....?" and I promptly shushed her and changed the topic. So today she asked me "you're going to be here Friday, aren't you?"

How do I explain - "thanks very much for your kind thoughts and friendliness, but it would be absolutely, utterly HUMILIATING to me to now have a ridiculously belated birthday celebration, and I really prefer not to give all the catty bitches the satisfaction of the public display of my pretend forgotten birthday three months after the fact"???????

Help. Just kill me now.

After note # 2: Yeah, I'm nothing if not proud.

Things to do before I die Things to do before I get senile and forget who I am

Is it me or is my post title morbid? But what else can I call it? Things to do before I get senile and forget who I am? There. Pablo reminded me, but this actually dates back to my "goals" post a long time ago (which, of course, I never sat down and did).

- Learn to fluently speak at least one other language.
- Learn to REALLY knit (like make stuff other than scarves!).
- Learn to crochet.
- Learn to identify wild edibles and other species of plants, tree species, etc.
- Learn to live "stuff" free to the fullest extent possible. Remember to ask myself "yes, but do I LOVE it?" every time.
- Start a fire, once, without matches or lighter. Just to say I did.
- Learn to can vegetables and make jam.
- Become highly literate in theology.
- Become highly literate in holistic healing, herbs, etc.
- Learn to really cook (like, more than 5-6 things, and without recipes).
- Let people in and connect with them. Be there - mind and body. Call friends and get together with them sometimes.
- Be "cut" - have a great superhero bod, like Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft Tombraider. But realistically I'll settle for "be not flabby," and preferably "be toned"
- Volunteer in some way for one of the causes I believe in and at least once walk away feeling like I made a difference.
- Learn to ride, and control, a horse.
- Keep track (keep journals, blogs, etc.) & make goals.
- Travel to (this list is really long and in fact not comprehensive)
* Alaska
* New Zealand / Australia (these two are *almost* interchangeable for me right now)
* Germany
* Russia
* Switzerland
* Austria
* Belgium
* Spain
* Every single US National Park


Things I've done already that I'm glad about:
- Learned a very small smattering (about enough to say "I don't know") of French & Spanish, and cussed a French guy out in French
- Skydived twice
- Scuba dived Cozumel, California, etc.
- Traveled to Paris, Lyon, London, Geneva (just for dinner); Florence, Pisa, Rome
- Gone on a buncha cruises and seen the Carribean and the Bahamas, wedding-mooned in St. Lucia
- Camping in Yosemite. Just, "wow."
- Started to learn to knit
- Quit smoking (even though I gained 50 pounds, I'm still glad!)
- Subsequently lost 25 pounds (still working on losing 5-10 more, but that's about it ; I was a bit less than my ideal weight before at 5'10" and 135, size 4)
- Learned to sew (with a sewing machine)
- Have begun my self-teaching via experimentation in cooking lessons
- Taken horseback riding lessons
- Started using the elliptical machine purchased this past weekend

To look at later...

The National Center for Home Food Preservation

Playing in the dirt again

I am really loving gardening this year! Something about the prospect of literal "fruits of my labor" that really appeals to me. Last year it was small time, red peppers and cherry tomatoes in containers on the deck. This year we're pulling out all the stops. Hopefully we wind up with something to show for it (keep those fingers crossed)!

Yesterday was spent playing in the dirt once more. Here's my list:
- Replaced the tomatoes that I thought had been killed in the frost (when I started to dig them up, at the base of the plants two actually look as if they could come back, so I ended up just moving them)
- Planted a new red pepper plant for the one that died in that same cold snap
- Moved the strawberry plants out of the raised bed and into big planter bowls (bowls which I found out after the fact, when I noticed that after watering I had strawberry soup [!wt?!], have no drainage holes - luckily they are plastic so we just drilled some)
- Planted 2x cucumber plants
- Planted some lemon balm (thanks again to my secret santa - who has continued to remain anonymous [[aarrgghh!]], I noticed that the Lemon Rose Herb Tea has Lemon Balm in it so I bought some)
And....the finale
- Planted one of the two blackberry bushes I bought (yay!)

I am thinking of buying one of those watcha callits... Dehydrator thingies? So that I can easily dry and store my tea herbs, and maybe fruits too (if and when we have any) for the winter.

Oh, yeah, and I want to learn about canning and jam-making.

Pioneer C-rella.

On my 2nd cup

* hack * - gasp -
((exaggerated childlike death spin before dropping to the floor))

KIDDING! M'm. Delicious.

Oooh I have a secret santa... !

So I got the coolest present this morning, left mysteriously (anonymously) on my desk.... Lemon Rose Herb Tea, from a LOCAL herb place, no less!!! I have to say this may be the coolest and most thoughtful thing... I am "wowed" by someone really thinking of me (so many gifts are trifles, monetary rewards for the occasion, rather than a thoughtful and insightful personalized gift).

The local place is Hartley's Herbs, in Cleveland, GA.

Of course, not knowing who left the present is making me
* C-R-A-Z-Y *

I am all weird about presents (not just about presents, you say, yes, I know) and have such a hard time accepting them, thanking people for them, etc. I don't know why. I guess it is just because I am seriously, developmentally, a relationship/friendship retard. I am like the backwards kid and struggle with basic interpersonal relationship things... Or maybe I just feel like that, becoming a self fulfilling prophesy... either way, wow, TMI and *tangent!*!

But being the freakish anal control freak that I am, of course the secret present giver thing is making me crazy. I think because I am all paranoid about being a bad recipient and not actually ever finding and thanking the person. So, if nothing else, here goes...

Thanks, Secret Santa, whoever you are!!
You rock.


After note
I hope it's not secretly poisonous (sips tea). I know I am well and widely disliked around here. I'm not paranoid or anything.

It's delicious, by the way.
.....................................I'm a freak.

JLWS... Love you babe

Somehow this freaky stupid blogger lost your comment but I abso-fricking-lutely did not reject it or something, I remember reading it and I KNOW I hit publish.

Blogger is a freaky thing for me lately though because a minute ago it lost ALL my comments (all my posts said 0 comments) and I totally freaked out and then they came back. But anyway

I love you chick and I'm totally not trying to exclude you

This looks like MY math.

Stupid creepy hobo.

So, I'm sitting in traffic this morning next to a potato chip truck. Some stupid off brand chip, apparently the official chip of Nascar. (After note - the chips are Golden Flake, and the pimped sponsorship is actually Talladega Super Speedway. As Rhi would say - "pffft." Whatever.)

The whole side of the truck and back of the truck is pimping out their Nascar (Talladega) tie-in. But, for some strange reason, on the back upper left panel of the truck, is a small image of a smiling hobo clown kind of like this:



And, above the clown it says "Drive safe - buckle up!"

Now, what I don't get is... What the fuc* is the significance of the clown in this scenario???!!! Are they calling me a clown if I don't buckle my seat belt? Will people pay more attention because the creepy hobo is telling them to?

Whatever. Stupid off brand second rate chip company.

Yesterday was perfect.

Spent the day yesterday leveling a section of yard for a new shed (John) and planting blueberry bushes (me). Weather was beautiful. All around, a perfect day!

And then I turn into a blubbering blob under pressure

Murphy came in bleeding from a cut under his eye. I immediately began to practically have a panic attack and turned into a huge shaking blubbering blob on the phone with John. He is the calm one when that happens, thank god.

The tears came in waves like stress aftershocks for an hour after.

I'm a mess. If anything happens to my dogs you might as well put a fork in me; I'm done.

Sometimes I am too pragmatic for my own good

I am very much a "what's done is done" kind of person and have very little time for people who want to dwell on something that they cannot change.

John is often the "sensitive" one in our relationship and my overly pragmatic viewpoint can drive a wedge between us sometimes.

At these times I feel he wants to revel in his sadness, to wear it like a lead cloak, to have it permeate every aspect of his existence... It shows in his walk, his voice, his words, his overall demeanor. And then he often recedes into the sadness for long periods, an entire day, or days.

I just cannot do that. I don't work that way. It doesn't mean that I am not sad, that I feel nothing, I am just more pragmatic about it. Damn sad. Mourn a moment. Move on. How does it go? Accept the things I cannot change.

I think my relationship with my sister is the same way. We had different ways of dealing with my mom's death, and she just didn't understand mine. I miss my mom often, but I don't want to have weepy hour long phone conversations on the anniversary of her death. Want to call me on her birthday, or mother's day, to talk about how great she was, what we loved about her? I'm all for it.

But I can't wear that cloak. It would smother me. There is a small faint candle in my heart that I've thought about snuffing out myself before. If I put the cloak on I might do it. I just can't. There are some darknesses inside I don't dare to look upon, weights I could easily reach out and grab to take me to explore the depths. They fascinate me but I am wise enough to turn away.

Yes, I am disconnected. In some ways from my true self, in some ways from others.

I guess I'm just insensitive.

Pissy

I am so dam pissy at work lately, I am not sure what is going on with me. I am not normally a pissy person! I think it is a result of feeling totally unchallenged by my current role and no immediate prospect of change. I am definitely the type of person that needs to do new things that keep me learning, even if it means taking a lateral move just to do something different. Once I get bored it all starts to go downhill. I am really trying to hang in there and keep a good attitude, but I can tell I'm not pulling it off all the time... Or even most of the time. Could be compounded by PMS... Stupid hormones.

Time to start the positive self-talk mantras:
"I love my job."

"I love my job."

"I love doing the same thing over and over all day"
(wait, maybe that's not such a good one...)

Comin Clean

I've got to come clean. OK, so I have to admit it.

I'm actually a ridiculously compulsively honest, to a fault, person. I mean, I'm the person who, when someone I am with in line says to the cashier "but, that came from the 20% off rack" I'm saying, "Nooo, that one was on the adjacent rack and not on sale, remember?" - ruining their plans to take advantage of the retail system.

Anyway, so my minor infraction of honesty has been bothering me for the past month. The delicious rice pudding recipe? I ADMIT IT!!! I totally stole it. To see the source, visit the page of my personal idol (I want to be her, she's living my dream!!!) at 10 Signs Like This.

As a footnote - the rest of the stuff here, be it good, bad, or indifferent, unless otherwise credited, is all me. Recipes included. Guaranteed.

I found a source *wink*wink*

Logee's Greenhouse has the Camellia Sinensis (tea plants)! I ordered two and will let ya'll know how they look when they get here :) I am so excited.

I'm such a geek.

Thinking about "growing my own" - tea, that is! !

My recent purchase of a spearmint plant, followed by an Echinacea plant (purple coneflower) has led me to thinking about growing my own tea garden. Upon further researching the subject, apparently you can make your own green, oolong or black tea by utilizing the Camellia Sinensis shrub. Problem is, if you grow it from seed, it takes three years for this sucker to grow big enough to start using its leaves for tea, and I just don't know if I have that kind of patience!! Looks like I'll be doing some searching at the local greenhouses to see if anyone has an actual plant that I can buy.

Baby Bella

The newly psuedo-adopted puppy, Bella, can be seen here for the time being. We had hoped to integrate her with our pack, but our boy dog Murphy is being a shi* head... I love him the most though. I think its a case of fighting it out to establish the Omega (bottom) dog, and he doesn't want to be it. Who can blame him?

Surprisingly, Bella is getting along great with our girl dog, Gracie (the "experts" say that normally its the female dogs that fight). Gracie and Bella have been playing like best friends, it only turns ugly when Murphy gets in the middle.

Bella is a sweet girl, we're going to let her stay with us until we can find her a good home (or she totally melds in and the pack stabilizes, whichever comes first!). She's a doll baby - less than a year old (vet said 7-8 months), no health issues. She's about 35# and should be almost full grown. She's got short stubby little legs and a really long body (kind of like a basset hound or something? Legs aren't quite that short, but that gives you the basic idea of her shape), and the sweetest personality you'll ever meet.

She's also very calm, at least in comparison to what I remember of my other two dogs at her age. She likes to lay next to you and get her neck scratched, and will follow you most anywhere.

OK, to be honest, she's not quite housebroken, but she's a puppy and we're pretty sure she's been an outdoor dog all her life. A little crate training would probably be all she needs to get her on track. She seems to be a quick learner about everything so far!

If you'd like to adopt Bella, let me know; she is a doll and she deserves a loving home.

I so want to do this

Sent the link to John, I think we should do one of their classes as a vacation in an upcoming year very soon (seems we plan our vacations a year or more in advance, or at least decide what they will be). I don't know which course, hunter-gatherer maybe? Too fun, I would L-O-V-E it ! ! !

PS we accidentally got a new dog this weekend. More to come after work, with pics.

2006 Eat Local Challenge coming in May

2006 Eat Local Challenge is in MAY this year, mark your calendars!

10 Reasons to Eat Local

Local places to pick your own (berries, tomatoes, apples, etc.).

And, finally.... you can't beat these meats! Haaaahhaaha!!!! I make myself laugh.

Vegemobile Diaries

Got 1075 miles this time (regular diesel tank last filled 02/08/06).

Biggest problem was that I kept forgetting to switch over to run on the veggie oil (especially if it took a while for the car to get warmed up)! Hopefully that won't be as big an issue once it gets warmer.

Filled up diesel, 11.747 gallons, $2.559/ gallon $30.06.

Delicious salad

Ingredients:

1 mango, peeled, seeded and chopped
1 D'Anjou pear, peeled, cored and chopped
Golden Raisins
Crumbled gorgonzola (or any bleu) cheese
Organic baby spinach leaves
Green lettuce or lettuce mix
Good Seasons Red Raspberry Vinagrette with Poppy Seed Dressing

Mix the mango, pear and raisins. In a separate bowl, mix the spinach and lettuce leaves. Sprinkle the lettuce mix with the gorgonzola, then top with the mango mixture.

For this recipe, I recommend serving it with the Good Seasons dressing. Although I enjoy most of the fruit-based dressings (including Neuman's), most have a very strong flavor that would not do well alongside this already flavorful salad. The Good Seasons vinagrette is just light enough, and yet still flavorful, to be a good complement to this mix.

John, who is not known to be a salad lover - particularly when it is a side salad competing with a main course of filet mignon, as it was when I put this together on Sunday night - cleaned his salad bowl on this one!

The new garden!

So John and I built a garden this weekend. Murphy helped; he got all muddy and ran around the house and then jumped on the bed. Gotta love it!

We planted all kinds of green goodness, namely:
- Sweet peas
- Broccoli
- Green & Yellow Bell Peppers
- Tomatoes (3 kinds)
- Strawberries
- Cilantro
- Parsley
- Spearmint

Cucumbers to come, later on... They weren't available yet. Technically the last frost date in our area is April 10th, so according to that, we shouldn't have planted most of those tender items... But, oh well, we were just too excited about the garden to leave it empty. Hopefully it won't have another cold snap with a frost. We'll see!

Simple sweet

This doesn't seem like it should work, but believe me, it does. If anyone else out there often finds themselves with a quart or more of milk that is on the verge of expiration, the recipe that follows is a good thing to do with it.

I recommend Basmati rice, for this recipe (courtesy of 10 Signs Like This) but also, really, well, for pretty much everything. Hands down, it is the best. Check any Indo-Pak grocery to buy in huge burlap bags at an awesome price (don't waste your money on the teeny overprocessed version of Basmati, or Texmati, or any other variation, at your local grocer).

RICE PUDDING
Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
Mix 4 Tbs. dry rice with 6 Tbs. sugar and 1 quart of milk in an oven dish. Bake 3 hours, or until creamy inside and dark golden brown on top.


If you want to spice it up a bit add a touch of cinnamon or allspice. Heck, if you're feeling really crazy, try throwing in some raisins.

Yum. Enjoy!

Stress

OK, so I quit smoking, like, over 4 years ago. I had dreams the other night that I had reverted to a hard core (pack a day) smoker over the weekend and that I was going to have to really work to get that back out of my system and start over. Weird, right? I think its because I've been uber stressed lately, and eating all kinds of crap (my secret worries about ballooning back up to some larger weight... so far I've recorded a solid 1.5 lb increase that is constently there)....

Anyways. Got to rein myself back in. I keep myself on such a tight leash that I'm sort of worried that if I let it slip I could just go totally out of control nuts.

Got my stuff

Ha! And I'm so over it. Not even pissed or anything. Just over it. All the drama (in my head)... My main problem was worrying I would NEVER get it back (that has happened to me wayy, wayy too many times), or if I did there would be something major wrong with it that was causing all the procrastination to begin with.

And that's it, no nothing, just "here's your stuff." Goes to show me, got to be clear on expectations up front - no one knows your rules but you.

So, IF I ever loan anything to anybody again (big if!), first of all you'll know I must really like you, second of all I either won't have any expectation of getting it back at all, or I'll lay out my rules up front. 'K?? And if that shit doesn't clear it all up and I still have problems getting my stuff, then t'hell with alla ya'll, I won't be your lendin fool.

Nuff said.

Sunburn

Yesterday I got home from my riding lesson and it was SOOO nice out that I just went straight onto the back deck and sat soaking in the sun. I didn't even stop to shower, I just pulled off my socks and paddock boots, pulled up my riding breeches to my knees... And sat, soaking in the first real sun of the season.

I love spring, beautiful perfect days like yesterday. Today's awkward sunburn v-necks down my chest and bands around my arms along the lines of yesterday's t-shirt, making sharp shadow lines down each arm and leg, and each winter white toe kissed with streaks of fiery tomato red.

So worth it; the reminder, spring is coming... Sun is here.

I am so f*ing excited

We're going to Washington to see DMB at the Gorge... Should be great; we've been wanting to explore the great northwest, we'll take a little sampler of it and then figure out where to go from here, once we've seen a bit. As for DMB, a little preview at the Aug. ATL show (always on a Tuesday, blech, goes to show what they think of the straight laced southern baptist region...), to be followed up by a nice Sept. three-day labor day retreat, music back to back Fri/Sat/Sun in beautiful country... We'll kick off with a little Seattle or Portland city life for a couple days prior and for the 3 day event move to living my favorite method, in a tent, hard core, travel to the public showers in your flip-flops, see if the shower roulette gods give you hot or cold. Nothing like waking up and breathing the air that just bounced off the river, the mountain, the GORGE... You and nature, and $1000 worth of hard core REI gear. Got To. Got To Love It.

So much for Rule # 5

One, Two, Three Four Five

A little bit of patience in my life
A little bit of respect on my side
A little understanding's all I need
A little bit of my stuff I'd like to see

Clap your hands once
And clap your hands twice
If you give my stuff back now
Then I'll be all right

Goals

I have been thinking a lot about having goals lately. Stems from my overall life dissatisfaction, feeling that I am not as far along as I want to be, pretty much in anything. My career, my friendships, my personal development. I have high standards, I am not there. If there is, in fact, an attainable "there" to get to at all for me (I think my bar may continue to rise as I rise to reach it).

I want, I want, I want. But I never sit down and make a plan of attack to get. I only "get" if it is a simple process, almost whereby I can simply do one step that begins me on the path and the end is thereby inevitable. If it requires a plan, I don't ever seem to get there, mostly because I never actually sit down and plan it out.

I'm not much of a list maker; I have a certain disdain for making lists and never getting anywhere. I don't want to be that person. I believe in the words of the enlightened one (Yoda): "do or do not; there is no try." Live it. Don't list it.

But, I do think that sometimes, to reach difficult goals, you have to have a plan. So here goes:

# 1 - Sit down sometime this weekend and develop a list of goals.

There. I feel better now, I have a plan (to make one, anyway).

Here I built up all this dread...

And she was really nice about it.

Blech

I asked for my stuff back.... I went by to mention it to her, but (as I secretly breathe a sigh of relief) she had stepped out so I sent it in an email, tagged onto a work question.

Now I feel icky. There's really no nice way to say "hey, do you mind giving me my stuff back???"

Now, why should I have to feel icky after I did something nice?!?! Blech.

That'll teach me.

Never a borrower nor a lender be.

I hate loaning stuff out. I always end up saying I'll never do it again, but of course, I want to be a nice person, a good friend, etc. I just never learn. People are crappy and inconsiderate borrowers, and me being the nice non-confrontational person that I am, I always end up feeling like I've been taken advantage of.

Now, don't get me wrong, I admit it - I myself have been the crappy borrower before. The difference is, I realized that I was WRONG, and I've since turned over a new leaf. Nowadays, I just don't borrow stuff from people - the simplest way to avoid any bad borrower/lender situations. On the very few occasions that I actually do borrow something, I will make it a point to follow my rules of borrowing etiquette.

I'm married to a bad borrower, who borrowed some gear (granted, from one of his best friends) and didn't return it for months afterwards. I asked him about it a couple of times in the weeks immediately after we got back, and basically got a "mind your own business, it's not a problem" attitude. Boy was JB surprised when, after so many months, his friend finally had to break down and ask for his own stuff back (see my rules below). JB had forgotten he even had it! Of course, I knew exactly where it was all along - it being a somewhat sensitive topic for me after so many bad experiences. And then (!) he actually MAILED the stuff back !! Not following rule # 5 at all. Guess what?! Yep, the package arrived damaged, with half the stuff missing. I don't know if he followed rule # 6 yet or not, and that all transpired a couple of months ago. If not, maybe a nice gift certificate to a sporting goods store (or a joint shopping trip, more fun & personal), given ASAP, would be in order...?

I have this friend at work, I loaned her about $200 worth of snowboarding gear for a trip she took at the beginning of February. She's not following the rules. Maybe she'll see my website and get the hint. Now, she hasn't broken all the rules... YET. If she doesn't return my stuff to me tomorrow, I'm going to be forced to do all the stuff I shouldn't have to, and her credibility will be GONE (it's already going... going...). Funny, she's always the one pointing out other people's etiquette faux pas or behavioral quirks. I thought for sure she knew the borrowing etiquette rules, which is why I even loaned her the stuff to begin with. Huh.

Borrowing Etiquette 101

Borrowing Etiquette Rule # 1: If you borrow something for a particular purpose (i.e. a snowboarding weekend), return the borrowed materials within 1 week after you are done with them.

Borrowing Etiquette Rule # 2: If you should, for some reason, fail to be able to follow Rule # 1, tell the loaning party when they can expect to get the stuff back from you.

Borrowing Etiquette Rule # 3: If rules # 1 and # 2 above are followed, this rule would not need to exist - the loaning party should never, never (NEVER.) have to ask the borrower when they will get their stuff back, and if they can have it back.

Borrowing Etiquette Rule # 4: If rules 1 & 2 are broken, and Rule # 3 actually has to come into play, and the lending party is asking for their stuff back (after the understood 1 week grace period), they DO NOT have to have a reason or explanation for asking for their own property back from you.

Borrowing Etiquette Rule # 5: If, the lending party is finally forced by your poor borrowing habits to finally have to ask for their own stuff back, return the goods immediately. Even if it means going out of your way to do so.

Borrowing Etiquette Rule # 6: This one is hopefully the one everyone already knows - return the items in as good condition as they were when you borrowed them. If not, make it right.


What did that Chinese calendar thing say? "They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues?" Yeah. OK. You got me, there is a point there. But really, are my rules wrong?? Seriously.

It's my year !!!

According to the Chinese Zodiac, at least. (put on your high pitched new joisey gangsta accent:) Yeah... I was born in 1982... Yeah...

I actually think this description of my personality (courtesy of) is pretty spot-on:

Year of the Dog

1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006

People born in the Year of the Dog possess the best traits of human nature. They have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest, and inspire other people's confidence because they know how to keep secrets. But Dog People are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. They care little for wealth, yet somehow always seem to have money. They can be cold emotionally and sometimes distant at parties. They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. Dog people make good leaders. They are compatible with those born in the Years of the Horse, Tiger, and Rabbit.

Ms. Nasty Pants

There is this person at our office who, for whatever reason, refuses to flush the toilet. And sometimes, on special occasions, she even leaves a spray of lovely lemon yellow piss on the toilet seat as a little added bonus for whoever discovers the bowl of joy.

Now, I am in the process of trying to be a kinder and gentler C-Rella. I am trying to move away from my center of intolerance and move to a center of love, if you will. But, sometimes I can't help it. I just have to say it.

What the hell is wrong with people?!

Perhaps it is a (VERY, VERY) misguided effort at water conservation. Now, I'm all on board for some conservation efforts. Not flushing the toilet? Not one of them.

I am a non-confrontational person, and I have only once had direct evidence of the culprit as she tried to make her hasty exit from the scene of the crime. Fortunately there was another concerned citizen present at the time who called her on it (at which time said culprit tried to play it off as some type of urinary amnesia). I've accumulated a vast array of circumstantial evidence which supports a my single-party offender theory, such as the party in question being in the bathroom brushing her teeth at the time I arrive to discover the bowl of joy, as it happened this morning.

Suggestions on dealing with this nasty ass person, please?????

Help me, help all of us.

P.S. (Response to Anonymous)

So I got a comment (through my comment filter, I might note) from "Anonymous" that said "yet you allow anonymous comments."

Yeah. You may have noticed, anonymous, no, actually I don't. Ya phucking coward.

I allow people to submit comments for my review under the comment submittal selection "anonymous," because I don't want to force people to sign up for blogger, or create some other type of online "identity" that they may or may not want. I do, however, expect you to put your signoff at the bottom of your comment if you elect to use this option.

So, for all of you anonymous voyeuristic passive agressive smack talkers out there... Get back to me when you're willing to sign your name to your witty yet acerbic rhetoric. Oh wait, that's my rhetoric. Yours is the irrelevant, unsubstantiated one.

Anonymous comments are bullshi*, man.

Not anything really related to my site, but just my general reaction to anyone that posts comments anonymously on somebody else's site. It's bullshi*, man. Either have the balls and conviction to stand by your usually 'righteous indignation' 'moral superiority complex' statement - show that you are at least willing to try to back it up, and at the very least you stand by it - or just keep that crap to yourself. By virtue of your unwillingness to put your signature on it, you already know it's weak, or biased, or both.

Vegemobile update

OK, had to fill up the diesel tank today - last time I filled it was 01/13/06. I got 1121.4 miles on "one" tank of diesel - supplemented by who knows how many refills of the vegetable oil tank in the trunk. But, since the diesel costs me aprx. $2.50/gallon and the vegetable oil costs me about $.70/gallon, I think it's a pretty good story.

Also, since its winter it takes longer for the engine to heat up, which impacts when I can switch over to run on the veg oil. In summer I'll probably get much further. Heck, when it's really warm I could leave it set to run on veg oil only.

Vegemobile diaries, chapter 2: Filled up tank 02/08/06. 10.997 gallons, $2.499/gallon @ $27.48.

.

I love that Picasa2 can make my Tuesday Morning Sunrise shots look like a great Japanese print

Satisfied am I
Yet times it seems I'd sell my soul
For some sad carnie's vision ---
A look into my future.

And what I'd find? Some vision -
where what we see today
and all the things we might have seen
meld into the best
of all possible realities

yet then escape us

an easing into the full day
from the surreal glorious sunrise
the world remains

still pink around the edges

As if to remind us
those visions --- they were there.

Dam*it, Janet.

Of course, the Hike for Discovery is the same week as my already booked trip to Hawaii. OK, so there is just no room in my heart to regret going to Hawaii, but I am a bit disappointed to lose this opportunity for 06. Guess I'll have to plan the hike for next year! And participate in the Light the Night walk as per the norm to contribute for this year.

So, if you want to contribute to the Leukemia and Lymphoma society (GREAT cause) to help raise funds with me, please click here!

Riders on the storm... part deux

Riding lessons resume this Saturday (albeit at a different stable, with a different, hopefully adult, trainer).

I am more than a little thrilled.

Signs

Signs Signs
Everywhere there's signs
F*ing up the scenery
Breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that
Can't you read the sign


You are Rizzo the Rat.
You have few friends, but are loyal to those you do have. Maybe if you didn't smell like sewage you would have more.

SPECIES:
Rodentia Digesta Lotta Grub

HOMETOWN:
Brooklyn, USA

FAVORITE MOVIE:
"Rat On A Hot Tin Roof"

FAVORITE SONG:
"The Pest Is Yet To Come"

FAVORITE FOOD:
You got it, I'll eat it.

HOBBIES:
See "Favorite Food".

QUOTE:
"When do we eat?"

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Stupidity... Contagious? Yes, or "D, all of the above"?

So I keep hearing this commercial on my Sirius Martha Stewart channel for some type of life insurance that "pays out even if you don't die."

OK, we're all friends right? Be honest with me. Are some of you not dying out there? You can tell me.




On a related note... I am intrigued by the newest vampire movie out (I have no clue what it is called). In fact, I am intrigued by vampire movies in general. Something ferocious sexy about those teeth. One of my favorite halloween costumes a few years back was when I put on my skin tight leopard skin pants (same ones I wore to the Judas Priest concert in the 80's... that's not creepy, is it?), wore a black top, lightened up my skin, spiked my hair and put in the vampire teeth (the good ones, not the cheesy full mouth ones), and was just sort of a punk rock vampire.

((( Mentally sing to the "wanna be a cow-boy" music:))) I wanna be a vam-pire....

No... It's not 'dumb ass,' it's 'Duumaahss'........... Andre Dumas...

Waah waah waah. Let me just say that. People are idiots. How many times (how many, really?!) do I have to ask for the SAME information? And, YES, I tried asking in several, several, very very nice ways. Again. And again.

I asked last week (request 1). I asked again Monday (request 2 - stated differently in CASE there was some possible confusion). Again on Wednesday morning (ummm.... I REALLY need the information, y'know, gotta do this little, er, "respond to the CLIENT" thing here???!!! And, you know, not to rush you or anything, but yeah, by the way, they're not only a hair club customer, they're also the president, so to speak?????!!!). Hellloooooooo......

Response - yesterday morning, mind you: "Oh, yeah. OK, I'll get that back to you by COB today."

Guess what ? !

Yep! No response. . . . . ! ! WTF?!

And, this isn't some "I don't know any better" peon, this is somebody who's a lot higher up on the food chain than me. I know, I must annoy them, nipping at their heels all the time.

Pisses me off. I know that some people create work just to have work. Believe me when I say that I do not. I DO NOT ask for things in a vacuum, just cause I can.

Dumases.

So there you go. Yes, I'll have some cheese with that whine, please.

Why....????!!!

WHY am I being inundated with idiocy this morning? More to follow tonight. Blech.

Get a brain, people. Work with me. No, not you. YOU.

Ha. :P

So true.

Shot # 2

Lovely Tuesday morning sunrise from the back deck.

Cydwoq

Cydwoq

So I am in love with some of their shoes ("classic," above, is awesome).

But really, who has almost $300 to drop on SHOES?! And some of their shit is a little too Cirque du Soleil. But, anyhoo some of it I do love.

It's your birthday...

Well, actually it's MY birthday. Or, it's about to be. And, I already got a great gift trifecta! ! ! ! !! Yippee!!

First, sweet love of my life JB got me a new CAR STEREO ! ! ! You have no idea how BIG it is to upgrade from the stock VW cassette player, here, folks. -AND- A Sirius radio player dealie (LOVE IT Alt Nation Rocks, so many choices I could surf all day though).

Second (actually I got this first, but obviously it comes in second on my most loved list) my only requested gift, which was NEW DISHES. A man could eat off the same brown plate every day for years and not care. Maybe not even notice. I know this from experience. I have NEVER picked and purchased dishes. And I'm not talking fine china here, I mean the stuff you scrape your fork on every single night. But now I love mine - Sango Nova Black is what we finally agreed on. I had originally picked a bright turquoise crackle pattern they carry at Target, but JB found the bright happy color alarming (another man thing, I think), so we finally agreed on this one. Plain, but sharp, I think. And, after all, what I think is all that really matters in the case of my own dinnerware, isn't it?

Third (a belated add on birthday request), we are going to the SYMPHONY the day after my birthday. JB's out of town all week (including up until about 11pm on my birthday on Friday, but I'm having a pity party and everyone's invited, so that's ok then). I've never been to actually see the ASO in concert, really. I mean, I did see them once in a special performance at Piedmont Park. I love classical music, so it should be awesome!

Happy birth-day toooo meeeee, happy birth-day to~ooo~~ meee~~~eeeee.....

Gads I'm old.

UPDATED page from the vegemobile diaries

OK, so when I originally posted info about the vegemobile tracking a month or two ago, I had FORGOTTEN to restart the trip odometer, so I have no idea how many miles I went in between fill ups. I can tell you that I have filled up the regular diesel tank one time since that post (actually, JB filled the tank, and also forgot to push in the stupid button), in addition to the fill up this morning.

Since I DID push in the trip odometer today, let's begin again.

Vegemobile diary tracking....
Filled up diesel tank 01/13/06 7:30 am, 10.305 gallons

NOW we'll see how far we get before we have to refill the regular fuel tank... Keeping in mind there may be numerous fillups of the vegetable tank in between, which is what I'm running on 80-90% of the time.

Anyone want to go for a hike?

So when I got the mailer on this program from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society I knew I was on board. It's a new fundraising program that ends in a hike of the Grand Canyon. There's an informational session on 01/28 so I can get more details... I only hope it doesn't conflict with my already planned and booked vacation in May... We'll see!

For those that don't know (which would probably be most, it's not exactly part of my typical conversation or writing fodder), my mom died almost exactly 2 years after being diagnosed with myelofibrosis (she died several years ago). I have participated a few times in the L&LS's Light the Night walks.

Since I LOVE hiking and being outdoors, when I got this flyer that combines two things I love - national parks and hiking, this is even better! I'll need to start "training" to get into decent physical shape for the final hike, so if anyone's willing to go for a hike, let me know!

Don't come around here no more

As Stewie might say "Felt a little, erm, shall we say 'trickle' under the armpit, mmmm?"

Um, yeah. Definitely forgot deodorant this morning. Damn.

I want it all

All right, so who's going to invent the integrated MP3 / radio / satellite radio player?

After all, you've got to be able to get exposed to new music somewhere.

Maybe I was never meant to be perfect

So I think my continuing dissatisfaction with self all goes back to some driven childhood need for perfection. My parents (mother) always had such high hopes and expectations for my sister and I. One of my earliest memories is of my mom administering an IQ test. Horseback riding and French lessons soon to follow.

Now I am this kind of hippie ADD short time hobby person, which sort of disgusts me because I feel like I should finish what I am starting. But the flip side of that is my desire to be the BEST at things, which means that I get discouraged if I don't show an immediate aptitude to pick something up. Hence, never getting involved in group sports. Here's me, tripping over the soccer ball at age 7, etc. And, as a grown up having never learned or played, its still hard to just jump in.

But, maybe that is just what I do and what my life is about. I'll sure as hell try anything. Sometimes I'll keep trying, because I think maybe it would be "cool" to know (Tai Chi, horseback riding, language lessons). I think perhaps (perhaps, I'm gonna float this out there anyway), I need a paradigm shift on some of this stuff.

I have GREAT follow through to things that I DECIDE (i.e. losing weight, quitting smoking, being a good employee, etc.). What I DON'T have great follow through is some stuff that I dabble in for my own personal horizon broadening experience. What's the point of all this blathering, you say? Well... MAYBE... Just MAYBE, there's nothing wrong with dabbling...?! Is trying a bunch of different things and continuing to experiment and learn a little bit about a bunch of things (instead of niching into a single or a few subjects) such a BAD thing, after all?

I have done so much with my life. I am DOING so much with my life. When is it "enough"? Who says? I want to be successful. I want to have fun. So, I'm doing it already!

By the way, my hobby du jour is knitting. I'm GOOD at it !!! (At least, I was able to start knitting and do a couple of rows last night.

My big long term hobbies - I read, a LOT, in spurts. When I feel like it, I make stuff (crafty stuff). I travel, a LOT (3x France, 1x Italy, 1x Britain, several xMexico, coupla xCaribbean, etc...., not counting numerous travels within the US, incl. TONS of awesome National Parks all over the place and an upcoming Hawai'i trip this summer).

In the immortal words of the wise Popeye "I yam what I yam." I need to take my own advice I'm always spurting to whoever will listen - stop TALKING about what you WISH and start DOING the steps that take you there... OR - LET IT GO ! You don't want it bad enough yet!!! :)

How random...

So, I got a message on the Classmates.com system from this guy I used to know back in HIGH SCHOOL! Who, I was never really great friends with, and didn't keep in touch with... My biggest memory of him is that the other kids always called him "big bird" because he was humongously tall, kind of awkward looking and blonde...

So here's the note:
_______________________________________
Sent: December 21, 2005 06:03:01 PM
Subject: Hiya from San Antonio!

Cindy,
How the heck are you? Remember me, the 6'9" skinny kid that had a crush on you? If you go to our 20 year reunion, I promise to bring lots of pics (with you in 'em!) I have two beautiful little girls but'll be divorced by the time our reunion comes around.
Ciao,
_________________________________________________



Now, that sounds to me like some guy divorcing hoping for some miracle hookup/romance, right?!!!! I kind of want to write back, just to say "HI" and "blast from the past" or whatever, but hmm.

Gotta think on that one a minute!!

But, how RANDOM can you get?!!!

Thank God For the Woman's Curse

Yep. You read right. One of the VERY VERY few (hell, probably the ONLY) time you will see me write the words above, or even think them!

Why would I write such a thing, you ask? Or maybe just "This is Wayyy Wayy TMI..." To which I say: Too Damn Bad. Get Over It.

First: the happy news.... I'm baaaa-aaack ! ! ! Yes, I have recovered from the monthly slip under the crazy vortex of suffocation and suffering that is a direct result of my damn monthly hormonal changes. Monday I seriously considered closing the garage and leaving the car on with me in it; today I think I'll hold off on that until I actually accomplish something, or die of some natural cause while trying. Yeah, all the stuff I wrote is still true. So Fucking What. I'm going back to happy naive denial C-Rella. It's a happier place.

Second: I weighed myself on Monday morning and was Horrified to see a much higher number than I had been seeing pre-holidays. I had taken off of weighing myself daily between about 12/13 and this past Monday. But, based on today's weight (160, a new all time low, ladies and gentlemen!!!!!), it was WATER BLOAT! YAY WATER BLOAT!

So there you go. I'm still bored with myself and really have pretty much a whole lot of nothin to say, but I thought I'd at least update everyone.

Sorry for dragging everyone into my misery with me, I really was trying to just not post at all, but I guess Rhi missed me... For some reason... Thank you lovely Rhi it is good to know that I am noticed.... :) I have to say also, it was somewhat cleansing to at least put the blech out there a bit.



So HI! I'll think of something interesting sooner or later. Maybe.


Oh! I like Soduku (number puzzles). Try it! And, I hate math, but you don't have to be good at math.


And, Batman Begins is a really good movie. And Memoirs of a Geisha (I hear, only if you haven't already read the book, which, you know, I didn't).


Oh and cool beans and thanks AGAIN to my good friend that I need to meet one day Rhi, I'm going to get some new reading material soon - see her recent multi-tasking post, I clicked the link!


Hmmm. Yep, that's it for now.

Blech.

I am back in my normal modus operandi. That is, apathetic dissatisfied mode of feeling. Now why is that?! Well the whole Fuzz thing has me uber paranoid and is making me not want to *ever* do *anything* of a remotely personal or writing nature on my work computer (I'm pretty sure my bosses don't care if I take that 10 minutes, after all the lunches I've skipped, but I haven't exactly asked them). Which in turn makes me a bit resentful (well, I'll show them, I'll just go on back in my cozy comfy little shell and won't everyone miss me then... yeah right).

And, I guess that New Year's gets me thinking about all the things I start and never finish. Last year it was Spanish classes (3 classes later, Yo No Hablo Nada). And horseback riding lessons. Yeah, well they did stick me with an 11 year old instructor and her tired horse, and the horse would only turn and walk directly toward the 11 year old every time the 11 year old spoke to instruct me whenever I'd be trying to ride (her horse!). Blech. Reasons? or Excuses? Does it matter?

How does one come by a true hobby anyway? I think you have to have a passion for something first. Somehow, in some way, I was born with no passion. Apathy is my specialty. I hate myself for it.

I've been doing a lot of that lately, at least today. Hating myself, that is.

Have you ever been working on something for a while, and you think you're doing really well at it, boy you're going to be successful, everything is going great, and then suddenly something (or many things) happen and you realize you've screwed a bunch of things up? Yeah, that was today. Nothing major, but lots of minor things. And I hate it. I don't tolerate mistakes well from others (I do tolerate them), I don't tolerate mistakes at all from myself. I feel like a major f*up today.

And I'm old. Further away from hip every single day. Any chance I had at being edgy passed me by back in about '85. I wanted to be edgy. But KIR baby, I see it now. At my age and being who I am... any pathetic attempt I may make at edgy, really just comes off as just damn sad. I'm going to be 36 years old in 17 days, and damn it, I'm just not getting any better, I'm stagnating and rotting into the nasty shallow bitter shell that my mother was when she finally left this world. And, I don't know what to do about it.

Yep, that's about it.

Waah waah wahh.

Yeah, I know. Cry me a river.


Happy new year all you new leaf happy damn people.

Yeah. PMS. Gotta love it.

Stay tuned.... The optimistic happy C-rella programming may or may not be back after these messages.

In the meantime.... I prefer not to spew my negativity all over my page... You may not hear from me for a bit... I will go dark until ready to resume regularly scheduled programming.


Maybe its time to break out the Secret Weapon (the infamous snowman underwear).
Or fuzzy frog socks (gotta get some of those, boy howdy!).

I have a theory

That it is impossible to feel anything less than perfectly happy while wearing snowman underwear.

Happy holidays, ya'll!

Happy Birthday Mom

Happy Birthday Mom. I miss you.

ANWR is not the answer.

Somebody make me a t-shirt. I need to get around to opening my veggie oil station one of these days.... "GreenGoes."

Thank you Sundar

Thank you, Sundar. From his site:

An event occurs; it causes us pain. A routine occurance. And what is our routine response?

Response 1: We go backwards and focus on the cause of the pain. It could be a person. We see the person as the "cause" of our situation and rant and rave about them, either directly or indirectly. We dissipate our energies without any discernible outcomes.

Response 2: We travel ahead in our thoughts and focus on a projected solution to the event. Again, no movement in our status.

In either of the above, we are absent in the moment; we are either behind or ahead. The reality of the moment is pain. Pure and unadulterated by our perceptions. It is just raw pain. The key is to just see it as it is. No justifications, no accusations, no projections. Just be there. Experience the pain totally. In one of my greatest breakthroughs through Grace, I discovered that the intrinsic nature of all experience is bliss. It does not depend upon the content of the experience. The process of experiencing in itself is bliss. The result is a dissolution of the suffering connected to the problem or the emergence of a solution.

I never did play tag well...

Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names.

1. Previously mentioned ADD drift. Watch her folks! If you talk too long, see the glazed eyes and occasional furtive glances around you for an escape hatch.

2. Face picker. I don’t get zits too often, but I’ll carve at whole areas of my face with my nails to try to get them out when I do.

3. Dried up unpopular old person. I don’t know 5 people that have blogs to send this on to.

4. Clothes horse and shopaholic. I shop daily, and when I don’t I have withdrawals.

5. Acutely sensitive and fearful introspective person that continuously tries to show off her pretend brave and invincible armor.

There you have it. I would tag Paulie, since he is the ONLY other person I know with a website (can you call it a blog, in fairness?), but I don't think he'd do it, and probably wouldn't appreciate it. So there you go, my chain ends here.

Say thankee sai.

Skywalker

I am SOOO not on board for this one... The Grand Canyon Sky Walk. I'll be waving from a distant, safe, on the ground point.

Grand Canyon Skywalk

- Scheduled to open Jan. 1, 2006 Hualapai Indian Reservation
- Juts about 70 feet into the canyon, 4000 ft above the Colorado River Will accommodate 120 people comfortably
- Built with more than a million pounds of steel beams, and includes dampeners that minimize the structure's vibration.
- Designed to hold 72 million pounds, withstand an 8.0 magnitude earthquake 50 miles away, and withstand winds in excess of 100 mph
- The walkway has a glass bottom and sides...four inches thick

Happy holidays everyone...

KIR cage match, baby

OK, so I was really thinking hard on Paulie's post all the way home. I dislike the overall slant of it, the in your face let me teach you a lesson cracka approach. I went into my post doing my best to say what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, with the utmost respect and separation between what my message was, and who got me started to thinking about it. Cause you know, I wasn't on the attack. But Paulie, you take the opposite approach, you take my words and sentences and forge them with many more of your own into sharp swords to throw at me. OK. Yeah, my knee jerk reaction is to get all caught up in that and just address the intrinsic pitfalls and shortcomings of your means, but you know, we've all gotten so far away from my original intent I just decided I didn't even want to go there. And thinking about all the stuff I would have to say to get my frustration with it all out just made me tired. And, I have a party to go to tonight, I'm out of town next week. I just don't have time. I still like you. We're still friends. I'm not going to clam up (in spite of you, damn you, you bastard... wink wink).

So I'm going to boil it down. Most of what you said - right on. I can see and acknowledge all that - you're right, it's not about white not having an accent, black having an accent, its about educated vs. not, and hip vs. not.

I feel two more things are important - first, you are not the only ones who have ever experienced hateful things. I've always been a member of the geek patrol. Ask me about being spit on by the other kids. Yeah, I know, I've never even had a taste of it, but don't patronize me by acting like I don't even know it exists. I know it does. Ask me about being called "baby," "honey," or my personal least favorite (because it almost seems respectful at first blush until you realize how condescending it really is) "young lady" by the male techs I work with. Being hit on. Yeah, there are worse things, but that doesn't mean that these don't bother me some.

Second, you and Fuzz got all sidetracked into talking about your experiences growing up, your history. That's all cool, it is who you are and I want to hear it. But Pablo, I feel like in between you were kind of spewing some pent up race frustrations at me that weren't about me. You know, even that's ok, it's not always about me. The issue I take is that your method used sentences and continous references from my post to do it. You got race frustractions to vent? Yeah, I'm not really the one you should be using for that, maybe. And you used my words as you saw fit to make your point, make a good piece for the readers, but you committed a cardinal sin by doing all that and then leaving out my point, which I'm feeling has been missed or skimmed over. So, since I obviously stated it badly the first time, I'm going to try it again:

I wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.

P.S.

FUZZMOPPET - yes, this one is to you, the only means I have to say it, I was going to add it as another "comment" response but darn it, Yahoo won't let me, I guess because I commented once already.

I was thinking about making the title of my next post "It's official...I cannot ask believers about god black people about accents because I am agnostic white and it makes them defensive...

Ha ha.... ha? Maybe? God, I hope; if not, just give me a shovel...

What are yooou doooing?

I saw a post recently on the blog of a black woman (FM), about how if she and some of her friends were on the phone and someone was listening in, people would think they were white folks. Being a white folk, it got me thinking.

I know you can sometimes tell a black person on the phone. How can you tell? I don't know, I guess when I think on it, to me there is a particular accent or speech pattern. I'm trying to think of some specifics but can't right now. And, you know some black folk use the black folk only lingo (most times white folks don't know the code unless they have a black friend translator filling them in). Yeah, I am SOOOO not in the loop on that, that I can't even give a current example, though I remember one of my friends explaining over the weekend how a drug reference to a half bag of a drug somehow translated into a lingo word for a certain size wheel rim on a car... But I can't remember what the word was...

Anyway, back to the thought. Do white folks have a particular accent that makes it obvious they are white? I always just thought it was lack of a specific accent and lingo, but maybe we have our own code that we speak and I don't even know about it!!!

So, the question is: is it just that we sound like June and Ward Cleaver from the 50's, enunciating painfully clearly and sounding like someone with a stick up their butt (thinking of Eddie Murphy's white person impression here, or the Budweiser "Whazzup?" vs. "What are yooou dooing?" commercial), or do white folk fall into a familiar patter when speaking with each other, as I've heard some of the black folks do?

Somebody fill me in here.

Part Deux
12/08 4:40pmish

The original comment that started me down this road was bothering (is still bothering) me, which is why I started this post to begin with. Let me start again, to see if I can find the problem. I don't know if this is right, wrong, ignorant or OK, but it's my perspective, with whatever innate biases it may have, and so, to some extent it is what it is (feel free to add your two cents, in the words of Michelangelo, at age 87, "I'm still learning").

In my business, working with clients, techs, etc. all day over the phone, I talk to a lot of people. Once or twice I have been surprised to somehow find out that someone was black after having known them for a while via phone interactions. I don't form mental pictures the way some people do, so in my mind I wasn't thinking "this is a white person I am speaking to," it was just a lack of knowledge of their race.

I think that is the difference - I don’t think most people pigeonhole all non-accented people as white (in my mind they could be Asian, middle eastern, white, black, etc.). Based on the comment, it seems that some black people pigeonhole non-accented people as white, and also that this has negative connotations associated with it. It’s almost like to have no accent is somehow a denial of black heritage, but I don’t think that this assessment is good or fair (of or by anyone!).

I’m primarily of German descent. You don’t see me hanging around exclusively with other German people, or stressing a German accent in some situations and using a different accent in others. Maybe back in the 1800’s, the Irish hung out with the Irish, the Germans hung out with the Germans, Polish with Polish, etc. But we’ve come a long way, and been fortunate enough to all move on, and become a “melting pot.” Due to unfortunate circumstances that no one alive today had any part in, the Africans, to put it lightly, got a raw deal (there just aren’t words for it that would fit here and suffice).

I’m sad that some of our ancestors did that to some of your ancestors. But, things are changing. Perhaps back in the day people discriminated against Irish people, but I’m pretty sure we mostly don’t today. And, definitely, back in the day people discriminated against African people, but we’ve come a long way. I think it’s somewhat foolhardy to cherish and protect a particular manner of speech that may have more to do with a lack of education or enunciation and really nothing to do with Africa or heritage, but you know what? That’s your choice. I guess the bottom line is: I just wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.

Joy

Rhi posted about Joy vs. Happiness today, got me thinking about Joy. Not enough Joy in this world. I think it is something you can choose and give as a conscious gift to yourself, at least for one brief moment. Everyone has their assignments (we all like to have the appearance of structure and order), here is mine: to give myself one moment of sheer JOY every day. Take something and savor it. Right now I am drinking a cup of Chocolate Raspberry Snowfairy Cocoa. Cocoa makes me happy. Nice yummy smells like chocolate and rasberry make me happy. Today, I am going to look into the meditation ball on my desk and savor, and fill my heart with joy for things I can.

Postmortem note: Why the heck is there a P in Raspberry? I noticed it looked wrong when I reviewed the published post, so I had to come back in and add it. But whose idea was the P in there anyway?! Nobody I know says "Rasp berry", it's "RAZ berry". I vote we change it. Razberry. Makes perfect sense to me. Hmm. Back to my Zen moment of Joy.

Postmortem note # 2: I just noticed ANOTHER DARN REFERENCE to Rasberry that I need to change. Heck with it. I'm leaving it. Pfffft. I'm blowing a RAZBERRY at it.

Sometimes I feel like Martha Stewart

Saturday night we had this little gathering for the football championship thingie that Virginia Tech was in (spousal unit is a Hokie). Just before the party I had this brainstorm about setting up a hot chocolate bar by the beer taps in the basement (we have a 2 tap kegerator built in to the wet bar). I have a hot water dispenser (this one) that is great for hot tea, etc. So, I set it up in the basement, along with a bowl full of sugar-free and regular hot chocolate packets, a smaller bowl with fresh, real, mini-marshmallows, and all the great liquors that would be a great add-in to hot chocolate (mint, cinnamon, butterscotch, and coffee). Oh! And I did have whipped cream to top them with too, though I forgot to pull it out of the fridge. Anyway, I thought it was a super clever idea for winter gatherings, and, Yummy!

You could take this a few steps further if desired, with candy canes to use as "stirrers," packets of hot cider too (possibly good with apple liquor), maybe some other stuff.

The "it's all about me..." syndrome

Am I a psycho? Quite Possibly. But, perhaps some will recognize this syndrome (at least, jeez, I hope!!!!!).

So last week I wrote my (introspective, what a surprise. It is my "special talent") piece on how I tend to shut down when I lose interest in a conversation, which I am saying OUT LOUD, is a terrible thing to do and something that I am going to work on. Much later I visited my friend Paulie's website and saw a post that says "blah blah blah bitches" (commonly used phrase, but, one which harks back to phrases that happened to be in MY post). So, I read the post thinking in the back of my mind "quasi covert response to my post? or completely unrelated?". So, I finish reading the post and I'm thinking "Could be to me. Not likely, but could be."

I am usually terribly blind (ok, ok, naive, pollyanna, whatever reference makes it understandable to you) when it comes to "seeing" digs at me. Or maybe being a narcississt I just don't think it's possible (ok, not). So, my paranoid response it to piece together threads in my mind that could possibly be a dig (which really never existed), while somehow I manage to overlook and be completely blind to hundreds of people talking smack about me practically in front of my face. Yes, I am a dumb ass. I am a pathetic creature and my interpersonal social skills are awkward and undeveloped. I think it comes from growing up with my sister, 4 years older than me, as my best and only friend until she turned about 12 and I was about 8 and I was suddenly no longer a friend, but a child and a burden, as would happen with any blossoming preteen and youngster, but anyway it screwed me up and here I am. But, I'm blathering.

So I reread my post wondering if possibly there is this back and forth thing going, where he saw my post and thought it was to him. I finish reading the post and think "He could think it was to him. It's not, but possibly he could think it."

What the phuck? I did mention how I love to analyze things, right? What that means is that, not only do I love to analyze mental puzzles created and presented by others, but I also create and imagine my own mental puzzles that mess with my mind. I get all locked up inside my own head and occasionally I create non-existent drama until I finally recognize that I need to let that shit go and move on, because it's all smoke and mirrors in my itty bitty bored over analytical brain.

So, after all my angst, the only solution I could think of, which also might make for an interesting post that (hopefully! really!) somebody could relate to out there, is to just say, the engineer referenced in that post is Bill S., who sits across from our friend Rachel Ray's new digs. I feel ridiculously comfortable posting his name here, because he is not among my friends, and I'm really pretty sure he's not even a friend of a friend of mine in the office. Now, he's a nice guy, but the man just likes to hear himself talk. And if you know him, I think you'll agree.

So, anyway, all that got me thinking of the "it's all about me" syndrome. I write my post, maybe friend X thinks "hey, that's about me", then they write a (quite possibly, completely unrelated) post and I read it and think "hey, is that about me?"

It started me thinking, what a kind of phucked up way is this to communicate? If you choose to write about me instead of confronting me, then in my mind, you're really hating on me and writing off the friendship.

But then, when I think on it (upon analyzing even further, sur-priize sur-priize), that might not be fair either... I often write much more effectively than I can speak - I have time to consider, and edit, and be concise and accurate with my words.

But anyway, please, if I piss anybody off, call me up, come see me, call me on it. Tell me what a bitch I am. Don't turn away pissed off and blog on me later, it's the beginning of the end if you can't be bothered to deal through the confrontation and the conversation. That's all.

Which brings me to enlightenment on my own frustration. I'm debating on writing something on my spousal unit, we've hit a rough patch this weekend and I'm resenting him for it right now, but to post to all ya'll lookers isn't the right answer. I do prefer writing, as I said above, but instead of writing it to everyone and letting the chips fall where they may at the outcome, I'm going to write it to him only... And hope he's willing to be bothered to work through the confrontation and conversation.

On being a selfish byatch.

I am always saying to myself (and sometimes to other people) that I wish I had more friends. I had an epiphany today, and you know I’m thinking now that maybe that’s not exactly true. Or at least, you make your own bed.

Occasionally I look at an aspect of myself and realize how ridiculously (mostly unwittingly, but nonetheless) selfish and narcissistic I am. One of the results of this is that I’m really a terrible people person. I am all right there with you if I am interested in the discussion and the person I’m conversing with is bringing me mental puzzles and things that make you say “hmmm.” I LOVE analyzing paradigms, religion, interpersonal relationships. Heck - analyzing anything - it piques my interest. Take it apart, look at the components, put it back together and see if the end result looks the same as what you started with.

Now, I have to say that I’m kind of a “taker” in this respect. I have a laser focus, which is great for being able to stay on task, not forget about conversational threads begun and dropped midway for a departure to a different topic, etc., but it’s lousy for getting the 10,000 foot view to see something from more than one angle. Set me on the path, though, and I shift that laser focus and start narrowing in on all the possible twists and turns… Follow the laser through all the routes; until I feel like I’ve come out on the other side, then I’m done. Topic closed, move on. Cut cord, discussion over.

Focus - my great strength, also my great bane.

And, my selfish hunger for mental workouts. The minute you start going over the boring same old same old blah blah blah, I lose focus and start to drift. I try to focus and remain interested and interactive, but I’m TERRIBLE at it. I disengage. Cut cord, discussion over. As you might guess, this can be somewhat off-putting to the other person, who is sometimes continuing to have this (unbeknownst to them, one-sided) conversation, only to figure out, sometimes much later, that I am no longer participating in (nay! no longer even paying attention to!) the conversation.

Case in point – this morning I was speaking with one of the engineers about a technical issue with one of the clients. We talked (and talked, and talked…) and got to a point where we were, in my not-so-humble (obviously, ya big egotistical self-centered byatch) opinion, picking nits. And, it involved math. And numbers. Not my strong points (either!). I disengaged. He kept talking. I pointed out that I had a meeting I had to prepare for that was starting in 9 minutes. Still talking. I pointed out that the meeting (which I still had to prepare for!) was now in 3 minutes (and sometimes you’ve just got to go to the ladies room, for god’s sake!). Still talking. I grabbed my notebooks and my pen and gathered them to my chest. Yep, you guessed it - still talking. I was on the verge of standing and walking past him toward the bathroom when he finally started backing into the hall (my GOD - STILL talking!) and I took the opportunity to quickly shoot past him toward the ladies’ room with a conciliatory word on the fly.

But, that’s work related. If it had been personal, particularly when I am at work – he’d have been shut down at the 9 minute countdown. Cut cord, discussion over.


Moral of the story – my revelation is that these poor interpersonal tactics may be impacting my ability to make friends. And, to anyone who has been summarily clipped as a result – I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better. Really.

Now what were you saying again?

Bottle tans

OK, so I just have to make a quick post here. I have a (normally very lovely, or at least, em, normal looking) coworker that I haven't seen in a couple of days, and when I saw her today I just couldn't stop STARING.... Normally a very fair skinned (albeit bottle) blonde, today she looks like (what I envision) a radiation burn victim! Can you say Oompa Loompa, boys and girls?

Now, I'm as big a fan of the Jergens Natural Glow as anybody, but come on. I'm not trying to look like I just bounced in off of Baywatch, I'm just trying to take the weird glow-in-the-dark lizard belly shade of white edge off. The whole all-over tan in super dark - like I'm going to think to myself (mental Napoleon Dynamite voice) "Luuckiie. She must've just come back from the Bahamas."

What inspires people to do such things?!

Notes to self from Hua Hu Ching

Notes to self from Hua Hu Ching, the teachings of Lau Tzu, by Brian Walker

---------------------
From two and four:

The first practice is the practice of undiscriminating virtue: take care of those who are deserving; also, and equally, take care of those who are not.

To practice virtue is to selflessly offer assistance to others, giving without limitation one's time, abilities, and possessions in service, whenever and wherever needed, without prejudice concerning the identity of those in need.

If your willingness to give blessings is limited, so also is your ability to receive them.
-----------------------
From ten:

The ego is a monkey catapulting through the jungle:
Totally fascinated by the realm of the senses,
it swings from one desire to the next,
one conflict to the next,
one self-centered idea to the next.
If you threaten it, it actually fears for its life.

Let this monkey go.
Let the senses go.
Let desires go.
Let conflicts go.
Let ideas go.
Let the fiction of life and death go.
Just remain in the center, watching.

And then forget that you are there.
--------------------------------------------

These are the lessons that have spoken to me so far, I note them here so that I may listen to them longer.

Right now, there IS NO wagon!!!!

OK, I have to post this message for a point of clarity. I am not an alcoholic. I could be. I am NOT.

And, no, I am NOT in denial. So, let me say, THERE IS NO WAGON.

I feel like my previous post was like putting this sticker on my own back that reads "Hey everybody - I'm a friend of Bill W."

Lemme add some clarity here.

1) I am not an alcoholic.
2) Yep, I sure could be an alcoholic, IF I failed to self moderate.
3) I like my drink.
4) I will always like my drink.
5) I still drink.
6) I will always drink, IF my self moderation system works for me.

The system being - recognize that for a couple of days there, I was tieing one on, and I don't need to be that crazy drunk, especially not on quiet TV nights at home.

My analysis: Stupid drunk once a year at a party - OK. Stupid drunk 3 of 5 weeknights at home - PROBLEM. It's pointless, it's stupid, and it's bad for my health. And I KNOW IT... And, I've done something about it - recognize these facts and moderate accordingly. Max - 2 glasses of wine on a weeknight. That way, I don't have to do that whole faulty "but, I don't feel drunk" logic, that always gets me in trouble because it takes an hour before the last glass hits you.

If this system works for me, guess what? I'll continue drinking forever. And yep, if you only see me once a year at a party, guess what? I may be stupid drunk. But if you come over to hang out for a quiet TV night, or vice versa, I WON'T be. I may enjoy one or two glasses of wine, or maybe even (if it is a super long 3+ hour TV session) more than that. But not stupid drunk. Not often. And that's the key.

You know what, if down the road I find that this system doesn't work, I'll roll that damn wagon right in here and jump on singing "Rawhide!" But, I am not there, and THAT is the point.

And

I'm an optimistic skeptic. Or maybe a skeptical optimist.

Let's just say

I want to believe.

The Dark Tower Series is good. And that's the truth.

It's official, I've lost it.

Or, maybe I'm becoming Californian. Or maybe just Nancy Reagan. You gotta know a lot of those folks are a little touched.

The signs of this craziness, you ask (or at least, I project you asking, but I bet you already caught em)?

Yeah, actually acting based on dreams... Um hum... And crystals? I just don't know about myself any more. I'd like to think that Wicca works and all that, but my OC control freak mind won't even let me go there. No. Possible. Way. Or for sure there'd be more Wiccans than Christians today, methinks.

But, as ka wills, so will it be - the path that found me be what it may, if it has helped me regain the road, none can deny its validity (me included).

But, yep. I'm nuts.

Drinking, dreaming, and the metaphysical properties of crystals

Someone told me once that a predilection for addiction is hereditary. My maternal grandfather was a drunk, and my mother smoked 90 cigarettes a day. I myself am a former smoker. Last night I drank too much wine. Again.

It's hard, because making home made wine, I tend to have a lot of it readily available to me, it's not like I have to dish out another $9-10 to get another bottle. And then with these big wine glasses, its hard to tell when to stop. Unfortunately, what that usually means is that I go from being totally fine to being totally plastered, with what seems like no warning or medium point in between. It is starting to bother me. I drink too much. Shallowly buried suicidal manifestations to be reined back in, like so many others. I could be a totally phucked up individual, if I let myself. But then, I'm an Obsessive Compulsive control freak!

Last night I awoke at about 2:15 am, then lay in bed awake for an hour thinking about it. I was drifting in and out of sleep at one point, I don't remember all of my dreams, but the one I do remember was me holding a very large (I dunno? 8" wide x 12" tall or something? it took both hands) rough crystal, thinking this would somehow help me keep from drinking too much. I awoke briefly from the dream and thought to myself "healing crystals, must look into healing crystals in the morning."

So today I did. In my dream the crystal I was holding was NOT perfectly clear, it seemed to be very occluded, basically not a white or clear crystal, but slightly yellower / less perfect than the white or perfect crystals I would think of as a "crystal" in my waking moments. So today I researched, and when I was looking at various pictures of crystals on line I quickly decided that the citrine was the closest to my dream. I just happened across this information on what that particular crystal is supposed to help to heal:

Citrine: Acid indigestion, food disorders, allergies. Cleansing spleen, kidneys, liver, urinary system, intestines. Mental and emotional clarity, problem-solving, memory, willpower, optimism, confidence, self-discipline. Reducing anxiety, fear, and depression.

Weird, or what? I don't know a damn thing about crystals. Strange I would just happen to dream of the exact one that would be "right" if I did know about them. No other crystals for kidneys, liver, etc., areas impacted by drinking that I found.

Coincidence? I think not. I ordered a quartz crystal and citrine necklace.

Rorschach association - roadkill / C-rella

Good to know that when people see roadkill, they think of me. Ha ha!!

Hmmm. Yes, very interesting! I wrote a piece once about how you never really get the opportunity to see yourself through someone else's eyes. Come to think of it, maybe I should be very, very glad of that.

I have a whole lengthy dissertation in me about all my roadkill experiences, perhaps I'll expound on them later this evening. Maybe not. Sometimes half assed is as good as it gets before I lose the impetus and interest to keep working at it. Plus, you know, I hate looking back - and anything I've already touched on line becomes history of sorts. We'll see.

So, for now, that's it. Done. No more pathetic roadkill memoriams. They're dead. Damn sad.

Drive less. Care more.

This time, the good wins: the good, the bad, and the ugly

Some of my culinary experimentations are definitely better than others. I referenced in an earlier post that I only cook with recipes; that's true 99.99% of the time. Occasionally I'll delve out on my own, with varying degrees of success.

That being said, this one actually turned out pretty good! And, I love having a "secret ingredient." This one was inspired by a salad that I had at a local restaurant, baby spinach leaves with sliced strawberries.

Ingredients: baby spinach leaves, mixed green salad (bagged type- any lettuce variety you prefer), low-fat feta cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, walnuts, cucumber, real tomato, kiwi fruit and grilled chicken

for 2 dinner-sized servings:

Mix aprx 2 cups mixed greens and 2 cups spinach leaves. Sprinkle with aprx. 4 tbsp low-fat feta. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped sun-dried tomatoes. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped walnuts. Add 1/2 large cucumber (chopped) and the tomato (also finely chopped). Peel the kiwi fruit, chop and add. Toss well, add the chopped up grilled chicken on top.

Serve with Newman's low-fat raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette dressing.

YUM!

Page from the Vegemobile diaries

"If America can go to the moon, then in the decades to come we should not ever have to have young Americans sent to any part of the world to defend and die for America's gluttony on fossil fuel."
- John Kerry

For the records - Filled up diesel tank 11/09/05, 8:41 am, 11.243 gallons, $2.799 / gallon, $31.47.

We'll see how far that thirty bucks gets us in the Vegemobile.

Work, and my new outlook

Lately things have been so busy at work that I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed. Combined with the time change (meaning that I only see daylight from my car on my ride in to work in the morning, unless I go out for lunch, which I don't often have time to do), I have been getting more and more stressed out. Also, hubby was gone the whole month of October, and I really missed him, but it is an adjustment (for both of us - I can see I am grating his nerves time to time as well) to be around someone at every moment when we are at home. At work - well, it seems like the work is driving me, instead of me driving the work the way it should be. And, well, it makes me snappish. Oh yeah, and throw the woman's curse this week into the mix. Yay. Moody me.

I have decided, to take control of what I can - my outlook. My new outlook is to STAY POSITIVE. One of my tools is going to be self affirmations. I always sort of thought they were ridiculously silly (someone looking in a mirror saying they love themselves, just seems a little weird/silly to me, I would be really self conscious!), BUT, my affirmations are more like thinking meditative thoughts about remaining calm, and repeating to myself "I am in control," "I have all the time I need to do what is required of me today," etc.

We'll see! And, I'm going to go back to going out to lunch. It REALLY helps me from getting uber frazzled and stressed out - like hitting reset for my attitude. I need it. I sort of feel guilty/insufficient for the fact that I do need it (so many successful people can skip lunch, work 60 hour work weeks, etc - I just don't seem to have it in me to do those things without totally wigging out and being constantly snappish), but what can I do? Recognize, accept, and deal with this reality of my abilities and limits, optimize by taking the steps I know help me to be more centered, more balanced, more effective.