On being a selfish byatch.

I am always saying to myself (and sometimes to other people) that I wish I had more friends. I had an epiphany today, and you know I’m thinking now that maybe that’s not exactly true. Or at least, you make your own bed.

Occasionally I look at an aspect of myself and realize how ridiculously (mostly unwittingly, but nonetheless) selfish and narcissistic I am. One of the results of this is that I’m really a terrible people person. I am all right there with you if I am interested in the discussion and the person I’m conversing with is bringing me mental puzzles and things that make you say “hmmm.” I LOVE analyzing paradigms, religion, interpersonal relationships. Heck - analyzing anything - it piques my interest. Take it apart, look at the components, put it back together and see if the end result looks the same as what you started with.

Now, I have to say that I’m kind of a “taker” in this respect. I have a laser focus, which is great for being able to stay on task, not forget about conversational threads begun and dropped midway for a departure to a different topic, etc., but it’s lousy for getting the 10,000 foot view to see something from more than one angle. Set me on the path, though, and I shift that laser focus and start narrowing in on all the possible twists and turns… Follow the laser through all the routes; until I feel like I’ve come out on the other side, then I’m done. Topic closed, move on. Cut cord, discussion over.

Focus - my great strength, also my great bane.

And, my selfish hunger for mental workouts. The minute you start going over the boring same old same old blah blah blah, I lose focus and start to drift. I try to focus and remain interested and interactive, but I’m TERRIBLE at it. I disengage. Cut cord, discussion over. As you might guess, this can be somewhat off-putting to the other person, who is sometimes continuing to have this (unbeknownst to them, one-sided) conversation, only to figure out, sometimes much later, that I am no longer participating in (nay! no longer even paying attention to!) the conversation.

Case in point – this morning I was speaking with one of the engineers about a technical issue with one of the clients. We talked (and talked, and talked…) and got to a point where we were, in my not-so-humble (obviously, ya big egotistical self-centered byatch) opinion, picking nits. And, it involved math. And numbers. Not my strong points (either!). I disengaged. He kept talking. I pointed out that I had a meeting I had to prepare for that was starting in 9 minutes. Still talking. I pointed out that the meeting (which I still had to prepare for!) was now in 3 minutes (and sometimes you’ve just got to go to the ladies room, for god’s sake!). Still talking. I grabbed my notebooks and my pen and gathered them to my chest. Yep, you guessed it - still talking. I was on the verge of standing and walking past him toward the bathroom when he finally started backing into the hall (my GOD - STILL talking!) and I took the opportunity to quickly shoot past him toward the ladies’ room with a conciliatory word on the fly.

But, that’s work related. If it had been personal, particularly when I am at work – he’d have been shut down at the 9 minute countdown. Cut cord, discussion over.


Moral of the story – my revelation is that these poor interpersonal tactics may be impacting my ability to make friends. And, to anyone who has been summarily clipped as a result – I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better. Really.

Now what were you saying again?