The "it's all about me..." syndrome

Am I a psycho? Quite Possibly. But, perhaps some will recognize this syndrome (at least, jeez, I hope!!!!!).

So last week I wrote my (introspective, what a surprise. It is my "special talent") piece on how I tend to shut down when I lose interest in a conversation, which I am saying OUT LOUD, is a terrible thing to do and something that I am going to work on. Much later I visited my friend Paulie's website and saw a post that says "blah blah blah bitches" (commonly used phrase, but, one which harks back to phrases that happened to be in MY post). So, I read the post thinking in the back of my mind "quasi covert response to my post? or completely unrelated?". So, I finish reading the post and I'm thinking "Could be to me. Not likely, but could be."

I am usually terribly blind (ok, ok, naive, pollyanna, whatever reference makes it understandable to you) when it comes to "seeing" digs at me. Or maybe being a narcississt I just don't think it's possible (ok, not). So, my paranoid response it to piece together threads in my mind that could possibly be a dig (which really never existed), while somehow I manage to overlook and be completely blind to hundreds of people talking smack about me practically in front of my face. Yes, I am a dumb ass. I am a pathetic creature and my interpersonal social skills are awkward and undeveloped. I think it comes from growing up with my sister, 4 years older than me, as my best and only friend until she turned about 12 and I was about 8 and I was suddenly no longer a friend, but a child and a burden, as would happen with any blossoming preteen and youngster, but anyway it screwed me up and here I am. But, I'm blathering.

So I reread my post wondering if possibly there is this back and forth thing going, where he saw my post and thought it was to him. I finish reading the post and think "He could think it was to him. It's not, but possibly he could think it."

What the phuck? I did mention how I love to analyze things, right? What that means is that, not only do I love to analyze mental puzzles created and presented by others, but I also create and imagine my own mental puzzles that mess with my mind. I get all locked up inside my own head and occasionally I create non-existent drama until I finally recognize that I need to let that shit go and move on, because it's all smoke and mirrors in my itty bitty bored over analytical brain.

So, after all my angst, the only solution I could think of, which also might make for an interesting post that (hopefully! really!) somebody could relate to out there, is to just say, the engineer referenced in that post is Bill S., who sits across from our friend Rachel Ray's new digs. I feel ridiculously comfortable posting his name here, because he is not among my friends, and I'm really pretty sure he's not even a friend of a friend of mine in the office. Now, he's a nice guy, but the man just likes to hear himself talk. And if you know him, I think you'll agree.

So, anyway, all that got me thinking of the "it's all about me" syndrome. I write my post, maybe friend X thinks "hey, that's about me", then they write a (quite possibly, completely unrelated) post and I read it and think "hey, is that about me?"

It started me thinking, what a kind of phucked up way is this to communicate? If you choose to write about me instead of confronting me, then in my mind, you're really hating on me and writing off the friendship.

But then, when I think on it (upon analyzing even further, sur-priize sur-priize), that might not be fair either... I often write much more effectively than I can speak - I have time to consider, and edit, and be concise and accurate with my words.

But anyway, please, if I piss anybody off, call me up, come see me, call me on it. Tell me what a bitch I am. Don't turn away pissed off and blog on me later, it's the beginning of the end if you can't be bothered to deal through the confrontation and the conversation. That's all.

Which brings me to enlightenment on my own frustration. I'm debating on writing something on my spousal unit, we've hit a rough patch this weekend and I'm resenting him for it right now, but to post to all ya'll lookers isn't the right answer. I do prefer writing, as I said above, but instead of writing it to everyone and letting the chips fall where they may at the outcome, I'm going to write it to him only... And hope he's willing to be bothered to work through the confrontation and conversation.