Sometimes I am too pragmatic for my own good

I am very much a "what's done is done" kind of person and have very little time for people who want to dwell on something that they cannot change.

John is often the "sensitive" one in our relationship and my overly pragmatic viewpoint can drive a wedge between us sometimes.

At these times I feel he wants to revel in his sadness, to wear it like a lead cloak, to have it permeate every aspect of his existence... It shows in his walk, his voice, his words, his overall demeanor. And then he often recedes into the sadness for long periods, an entire day, or days.

I just cannot do that. I don't work that way. It doesn't mean that I am not sad, that I feel nothing, I am just more pragmatic about it. Damn sad. Mourn a moment. Move on. How does it go? Accept the things I cannot change.

I think my relationship with my sister is the same way. We had different ways of dealing with my mom's death, and she just didn't understand mine. I miss my mom often, but I don't want to have weepy hour long phone conversations on the anniversary of her death. Want to call me on her birthday, or mother's day, to talk about how great she was, what we loved about her? I'm all for it.

But I can't wear that cloak. It would smother me. There is a small faint candle in my heart that I've thought about snuffing out myself before. If I put the cloak on I might do it. I just can't. There are some darknesses inside I don't dare to look upon, weights I could easily reach out and grab to take me to explore the depths. They fascinate me but I am wise enough to turn away.

Yes, I am disconnected. In some ways from my true self, in some ways from others.

I guess I'm just insensitive.