That it is impossible to feel anything less than perfectly happy while wearing snowman underwear.
Happy holidays, ya'll!
Friday, December 23, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
ANWR is not the answer.
Somebody make me a t-shirt. I need to get around to opening my veggie oil station one of these days.... "GreenGoes."
Monday, December 19, 2005
Thank you Sundar
Thank you, Sundar. From his site:
An event occurs; it causes us pain. A routine occurance. And what is our routine response?
Response 1: We go backwards and focus on the cause of the pain. It could be a person. We see the person as the "cause" of our situation and rant and rave about them, either directly or indirectly. We dissipate our energies without any discernible outcomes.
Response 2: We travel ahead in our thoughts and focus on a projected solution to the event. Again, no movement in our status.
In either of the above, we are absent in the moment; we are either behind or ahead. The reality of the moment is pain. Pure and unadulterated by our perceptions. It is just raw pain. The key is to just see it as it is. No justifications, no accusations, no projections. Just be there. Experience the pain totally. In one of my greatest breakthroughs through Grace, I discovered that the intrinsic nature of all experience is bliss. It does not depend upon the content of the experience. The process of experiencing in itself is bliss. The result is a dissolution of the suffering connected to the problem or the emergence of a solution.
An event occurs; it causes us pain. A routine occurance. And what is our routine response?
Response 1: We go backwards and focus on the cause of the pain. It could be a person. We see the person as the "cause" of our situation and rant and rave about them, either directly or indirectly. We dissipate our energies without any discernible outcomes.
Response 2: We travel ahead in our thoughts and focus on a projected solution to the event. Again, no movement in our status.
In either of the above, we are absent in the moment; we are either behind or ahead. The reality of the moment is pain. Pure and unadulterated by our perceptions. It is just raw pain. The key is to just see it as it is. No justifications, no accusations, no projections. Just be there. Experience the pain totally. In one of my greatest breakthroughs through Grace, I discovered that the intrinsic nature of all experience is bliss. It does not depend upon the content of the experience. The process of experiencing in itself is bliss. The result is a dissolution of the suffering connected to the problem or the emergence of a solution.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
I never did play tag well...
Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names.
1. Previously mentioned ADD drift. Watch her folks! If you talk too long, see the glazed eyes and occasional furtive glances around you for an escape hatch.
2. Face picker. I don’t get zits too often, but I’ll carve at whole areas of my face with my nails to try to get them out when I do.
3. Dried up unpopular old person. I don’t know 5 people that have blogs to send this on to.
4. Clothes horse and shopaholic. I shop daily, and when I don’t I have withdrawals.
5. Acutely sensitive and fearful introspective person that continuously tries to show off her pretend brave and invincible armor.
There you have it. I would tag Paulie, since he is the ONLY other person I know with a website (can you call it a blog, in fairness?), but I don't think he'd do it, and probably wouldn't appreciate it. So there you go, my chain ends here.
Say thankee sai.
1. Previously mentioned ADD drift. Watch her folks! If you talk too long, see the glazed eyes and occasional furtive glances around you for an escape hatch.
2. Face picker. I don’t get zits too often, but I’ll carve at whole areas of my face with my nails to try to get them out when I do.
3. Dried up unpopular old person. I don’t know 5 people that have blogs to send this on to.
4. Clothes horse and shopaholic. I shop daily, and when I don’t I have withdrawals.
5. Acutely sensitive and fearful introspective person that continuously tries to show off her pretend brave and invincible armor.
There you have it. I would tag Paulie, since he is the ONLY other person I know with a website (can you call it a blog, in fairness?), but I don't think he'd do it, and probably wouldn't appreciate it. So there you go, my chain ends here.
Say thankee sai.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Skywalker
I am SOOO not on board for this one... The Grand Canyon Sky Walk. I'll be waving from a distant, safe, on the ground point.
- Scheduled to open Jan. 1, 2006 Hualapai Indian Reservation
- Juts about 70 feet into the canyon, 4000 ft above the Colorado River Will accommodate 120 people comfortably
- Built with more than a million pounds of steel beams, and includes dampeners that minimize the structure's vibration.
- Designed to hold 72 million pounds, withstand an 8.0 magnitude earthquake 50 miles away, and withstand winds in excess of 100 mph
- The walkway has a glass bottom and sides...four inches thick
- Juts about 70 feet into the canyon, 4000 ft above the Colorado River Will accommodate 120 people comfortably
- Built with more than a million pounds of steel beams, and includes dampeners that minimize the structure's vibration.
- Designed to hold 72 million pounds, withstand an 8.0 magnitude earthquake 50 miles away, and withstand winds in excess of 100 mph
- The walkway has a glass bottom and sides...four inches thick
Friday, December 09, 2005
KIR cage match, baby
OK, so I was really thinking hard on Paulie's post all the way home. I dislike the overall slant of it, the in your face let me teach you a lesson cracka approach. I went into my post doing my best to say what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, with the utmost respect and separation between what my message was, and who got me started to thinking about it. Cause you know, I wasn't on the attack. But Paulie, you take the opposite approach, you take my words and sentences and forge them with many more of your own into sharp swords to throw at me. OK. Yeah, my knee jerk reaction is to get all caught up in that and just address the intrinsic pitfalls and shortcomings of your means, but you know, we've all gotten so far away from my original intent I just decided I didn't even want to go there. And thinking about all the stuff I would have to say to get my frustration with it all out just made me tired. And, I have a party to go to tonight, I'm out of town next week. I just don't have time. I still like you. We're still friends. I'm not going to clam up (in spite of you, damn you, you bastard... wink wink).
So I'm going to boil it down. Most of what you said - right on. I can see and acknowledge all that - you're right, it's not about white not having an accent, black having an accent, its about educated vs. not, and hip vs. not.
I feel two more things are important - first, you are not the only ones who have ever experienced hateful things. I've always been a member of the geek patrol. Ask me about being spit on by the other kids. Yeah, I know, I've never even had a taste of it, but don't patronize me by acting like I don't even know it exists. I know it does. Ask me about being called "baby," "honey," or my personal least favorite (because it almost seems respectful at first blush until you realize how condescending it really is) "young lady" by the male techs I work with. Being hit on. Yeah, there are worse things, but that doesn't mean that these don't bother me some.
Second, you and Fuzz got all sidetracked into talking about your experiences growing up, your history. That's all cool, it is who you are and I want to hear it. But Pablo, I feel like in between you were kind of spewing some pent up race frustrations at me that weren't about me. You know, even that's ok, it's not always about me. The issue I take is that your method used sentences and continous references from my post to do it. You got race frustractions to vent? Yeah, I'm not really the one you should be using for that, maybe. And you used my words as you saw fit to make your point, make a good piece for the readers, but you committed a cardinal sin by doing all that and then leaving out my point, which I'm feeling has been missed or skimmed over. So, since I obviously stated it badly the first time, I'm going to try it again:
I wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.
So I'm going to boil it down. Most of what you said - right on. I can see and acknowledge all that - you're right, it's not about white not having an accent, black having an accent, its about educated vs. not, and hip vs. not.
I feel two more things are important - first, you are not the only ones who have ever experienced hateful things. I've always been a member of the geek patrol. Ask me about being spit on by the other kids. Yeah, I know, I've never even had a taste of it, but don't patronize me by acting like I don't even know it exists. I know it does. Ask me about being called "baby," "honey," or my personal least favorite (because it almost seems respectful at first blush until you realize how condescending it really is) "young lady" by the male techs I work with. Being hit on. Yeah, there are worse things, but that doesn't mean that these don't bother me some.
Second, you and Fuzz got all sidetracked into talking about your experiences growing up, your history. That's all cool, it is who you are and I want to hear it. But Pablo, I feel like in between you were kind of spewing some pent up race frustrations at me that weren't about me. You know, even that's ok, it's not always about me. The issue I take is that your method used sentences and continous references from my post to do it. You got race frustractions to vent? Yeah, I'm not really the one you should be using for that, maybe. And you used my words as you saw fit to make your point, make a good piece for the readers, but you committed a cardinal sin by doing all that and then leaving out my point, which I'm feeling has been missed or skimmed over. So, since I obviously stated it badly the first time, I'm going to try it again:
I wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.
P.S.
FUZZMOPPET - yes, this one is to you, the only means I have to say it, I was going to add it as another "comment" response but darn it, Yahoo won't let me, I guess because I commented once already.
I was thinking about making the title of my next post "It's official...I cannot askbelievers about god black people about accents because I am agnostic white and it makes them defensive...
Ha ha.... ha? Maybe? God, I hope; if not, just give me a shovel...
I was thinking about making the title of my next post "It's official...I cannot ask
Ha ha.... ha? Maybe? God, I hope; if not, just give me a shovel...
Thursday, December 08, 2005
What are yooou doooing?
I saw a post recently on the blog of a black woman (FM), about how if she and some of her friends were on the phone and someone was listening in, people would think they were white folks. Being a white folk, it got me thinking.
I know you can sometimes tell a black person on the phone. How can you tell? I don't know, I guess when I think on it, to me there is a particular accent or speech pattern. I'm trying to think of some specifics but can't right now. And, you know some black folk use the black folk only lingo (most times white folks don't know the code unless they have a black friend translator filling them in). Yeah, I am SOOOO not in the loop on that, that I can't even give a current example, though I remember one of my friends explaining over the weekend how a drug reference to a half bag of a drug somehow translated into a lingo word for a certain size wheel rim on a car... But I can't remember what the word was...
Anyway, back to the thought. Do white folks have a particular accent that makes it obvious they are white? I always just thought it was lack of a specific accent and lingo, but maybe we have our own code that we speak and I don't even know about it!!!
So, the question is: is it just that we sound like June and Ward Cleaver from the 50's, enunciating painfully clearly and sounding like someone with a stick up their butt (thinking of Eddie Murphy's white person impression here, or the Budweiser "Whazzup?" vs. "What are yooou dooing?" commercial), or do white folk fall into a familiar patter when speaking with each other, as I've heard some of the black folks do?
Somebody fill me in here.
Part Deux
12/08 4:40pmish
The original comment that started me down this road was bothering (is still bothering) me, which is why I started this post to begin with. Let me start again, to see if I can find the problem. I don't know if this is right, wrong, ignorant or OK, but it's my perspective, with whatever innate biases it may have, and so, to some extent it is what it is (feel free to add your two cents, in the words of Michelangelo, at age 87, "I'm still learning").
In my business, working with clients, techs, etc. all day over the phone, I talk to a lot of people. Once or twice I have been surprised to somehow find out that someone was black after having known them for a while via phone interactions. I don't form mental pictures the way some people do, so in my mind I wasn't thinking "this is a white person I am speaking to," it was just a lack of knowledge of their race.
I think that is the difference - I don’t think most people pigeonhole all non-accented people as white (in my mind they could be Asian, middle eastern, white, black, etc.). Based on the comment, it seems that some black people pigeonhole non-accented people as white, and also that this has negative connotations associated with it. It’s almost like to have no accent is somehow a denial of black heritage, but I don’t think that this assessment is good or fair (of or by anyone!).
I’m primarily of German descent. You don’t see me hanging around exclusively with other German people, or stressing a German accent in some situations and using a different accent in others. Maybe back in the 1800’s, the Irish hung out with the Irish, the Germans hung out with the Germans, Polish with Polish, etc. But we’ve come a long way, and been fortunate enough to all move on, and become a “melting pot.” Due to unfortunate circumstances that no one alive today had any part in, the Africans, to put it lightly, got a raw deal (there just aren’t words for it that would fit here and suffice).
I’m sad that some of our ancestors did that to some of your ancestors. But, things are changing. Perhaps back in the day people discriminated against Irish people, but I’m pretty sure we mostly don’t today. And, definitely, back in the day people discriminated against African people, but we’ve come a long way. I think it’s somewhat foolhardy to cherish and protect a particular manner of speech that may have more to do with a lack of education or enunciation and really nothing to do with Africa or heritage, but you know what? That’s your choice. I guess the bottom line is: I just wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.
I know you can sometimes tell a black person on the phone. How can you tell? I don't know, I guess when I think on it, to me there is a particular accent or speech pattern. I'm trying to think of some specifics but can't right now. And, you know some black folk use the black folk only lingo (most times white folks don't know the code unless they have a black friend translator filling them in). Yeah, I am SOOOO not in the loop on that, that I can't even give a current example, though I remember one of my friends explaining over the weekend how a drug reference to a half bag of a drug somehow translated into a lingo word for a certain size wheel rim on a car... But I can't remember what the word was...
Anyway, back to the thought. Do white folks have a particular accent that makes it obvious they are white? I always just thought it was lack of a specific accent and lingo, but maybe we have our own code that we speak and I don't even know about it!!!
So, the question is: is it just that we sound like June and Ward Cleaver from the 50's, enunciating painfully clearly and sounding like someone with a stick up their butt (thinking of Eddie Murphy's white person impression here, or the Budweiser "Whazzup?" vs. "What are yooou dooing?" commercial), or do white folk fall into a familiar patter when speaking with each other, as I've heard some of the black folks do?
Somebody fill me in here.
Part Deux
12/08 4:40pmish
The original comment that started me down this road was bothering (is still bothering) me, which is why I started this post to begin with. Let me start again, to see if I can find the problem. I don't know if this is right, wrong, ignorant or OK, but it's my perspective, with whatever innate biases it may have, and so, to some extent it is what it is (feel free to add your two cents, in the words of Michelangelo, at age 87, "I'm still learning").
In my business, working with clients, techs, etc. all day over the phone, I talk to a lot of people. Once or twice I have been surprised to somehow find out that someone was black after having known them for a while via phone interactions. I don't form mental pictures the way some people do, so in my mind I wasn't thinking "this is a white person I am speaking to," it was just a lack of knowledge of their race.
I think that is the difference - I don’t think most people pigeonhole all non-accented people as white (in my mind they could be Asian, middle eastern, white, black, etc.). Based on the comment, it seems that some black people pigeonhole non-accented people as white, and also that this has negative connotations associated with it. It’s almost like to have no accent is somehow a denial of black heritage, but I don’t think that this assessment is good or fair (of or by anyone!).
I’m primarily of German descent. You don’t see me hanging around exclusively with other German people, or stressing a German accent in some situations and using a different accent in others. Maybe back in the 1800’s, the Irish hung out with the Irish, the Germans hung out with the Germans, Polish with Polish, etc. But we’ve come a long way, and been fortunate enough to all move on, and become a “melting pot.” Due to unfortunate circumstances that no one alive today had any part in, the Africans, to put it lightly, got a raw deal (there just aren’t words for it that would fit here and suffice).
I’m sad that some of our ancestors did that to some of your ancestors. But, things are changing. Perhaps back in the day people discriminated against Irish people, but I’m pretty sure we mostly don’t today. And, definitely, back in the day people discriminated against African people, but we’ve come a long way. I think it’s somewhat foolhardy to cherish and protect a particular manner of speech that may have more to do with a lack of education or enunciation and really nothing to do with Africa or heritage, but you know what? That’s your choice. I guess the bottom line is: I just wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Joy
Rhi posted about Joy vs. Happiness today, got me thinking about Joy. Not enough Joy in this world. I think it is something you can choose and give as a conscious gift to yourself, at least for one brief moment. Everyone has their assignments (we all like to have the appearance of structure and order), here is mine: to give myself one moment of sheer JOY every day. Take something and savor it. Right now I am drinking a cup of Chocolate Raspberry Snowfairy Cocoa. Cocoa makes me happy. Nice yummy smells like chocolate and rasberry make me happy. Today, I am going to look into the meditation ball on my desk and savor, and fill my heart with joy for things I can.
Postmortem note: Why the heck is there a P in Raspberry? I noticed it looked wrong when I reviewed the published post, so I had to come back in and add it. But whose idea was the P in there anyway?! Nobody I know says "Rasp berry", it's "RAZ berry". I vote we change it. Razberry. Makes perfect sense to me. Hmm. Back to my Zen moment of Joy.
Postmortem note # 2: I just noticed ANOTHER DARN REFERENCE to Rasberry that I need to change. Heck with it. I'm leaving it. Pfffft. I'm blowing a RAZBERRY at it.
Postmortem note: Why the heck is there a P in Raspberry? I noticed it looked wrong when I reviewed the published post, so I had to come back in and add it. But whose idea was the P in there anyway?! Nobody I know says "Rasp berry", it's "RAZ berry". I vote we change it. Razberry. Makes perfect sense to me. Hmm. Back to my Zen moment of Joy.
Postmortem note # 2: I just noticed ANOTHER DARN REFERENCE to Rasberry that I need to change. Heck with it. I'm leaving it. Pfffft. I'm blowing a RAZBERRY at it.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Sometimes I feel like Martha Stewart
Saturday night we had this little gathering for the football championship thingie that Virginia Tech was in (spousal unit is a Hokie). Just before the party I had this brainstorm about setting up a hot chocolate bar by the beer taps in the basement (we have a 2 tap kegerator built in to the wet bar). I have a hot water dispenser (this one) that is great for hot tea, etc. So, I set it up in the basement, along with a bowl full of sugar-free and regular hot chocolate packets, a smaller bowl with fresh, real, mini-marshmallows, and all the great liquors that would be a great add-in to hot chocolate (mint, cinnamon, butterscotch, and coffee). Oh! And I did have whipped cream to top them with too, though I forgot to pull it out of the fridge. Anyway, I thought it was a super clever idea for winter gatherings, and, Yummy!
You could take this a few steps further if desired, with candy canes to use as "stirrers," packets of hot cider too (possibly good with apple liquor), maybe some other stuff.
You could take this a few steps further if desired, with candy canes to use as "stirrers," packets of hot cider too (possibly good with apple liquor), maybe some other stuff.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
The "it's all about me..." syndrome
Am I a psycho? Quite Possibly. But, perhaps some will recognize this syndrome (at least, jeez, I hope!!!!!).
So last week I wrote my (introspective, what a surprise. It is my "special talent") piece on how I tend to shut down when I lose interest in a conversation, which I am saying OUT LOUD, is a terrible thing to do and something that I am going to work on. Much later I visited my friend Paulie's website and saw a post that says "blah blah blah bitches" (commonly used phrase, but, one which harks back to phrases that happened to be in MY post). So, I read the post thinking in the back of my mind "quasi covert response to my post? or completely unrelated?". So, I finish reading the post and I'm thinking "Could be to me. Not likely, but could be."
I am usually terribly blind (ok, ok, naive, pollyanna, whatever reference makes it understandable to you) when it comes to "seeing" digs at me. Or maybe being a narcississt I just don't think it's possible (ok, not). So, my paranoid response it to piece together threads in my mind that could possibly be a dig (which really never existed), while somehow I manage to overlook and be completely blind to hundreds of people talking smack about me practically in front of my face. Yes, I am a dumb ass. I am a pathetic creature and my interpersonal social skills are awkward and undeveloped. I think it comes from growing up with my sister, 4 years older than me, as my best and only friend until she turned about 12 and I was about 8 and I was suddenly no longer a friend, but a child and a burden, as would happen with any blossoming preteen and youngster, but anyway it screwed me up and here I am. But, I'm blathering.
So I reread my post wondering if possibly there is this back and forth thing going, where he saw my post and thought it was to him. I finish reading the post and think "He could think it was to him. It's not, but possibly he could think it."
What the phuck? I did mention how I love to analyze things, right? What that means is that, not only do I love to analyze mental puzzles created and presented by others, but I also create and imagine my own mental puzzles that mess with my mind. I get all locked up inside my own head and occasionally I create non-existent drama until I finally recognize that I need to let that shit go and move on, because it's all smoke and mirrors in my itty bitty bored over analytical brain.
So, after all my angst, the only solution I could think of, which also might make for an interesting post that (hopefully! really!) somebody could relate to out there, is to just say, the engineer referenced in that post is Bill S., who sits across from our friend Rachel Ray's new digs. I feel ridiculously comfortable posting his name here, because he is not among my friends, and I'm really pretty sure he's not even a friend of a friend of mine in the office. Now, he's a nice guy, but the man just likes to hear himself talk. And if you know him, I think you'll agree.
So, anyway, all that got me thinking of the "it's all about me" syndrome. I write my post, maybe friend X thinks "hey, that's about me", then they write a (quite possibly, completely unrelated) post and I read it and think "hey, is that about me?"
It started me thinking, what a kind of phucked up way is this to communicate? If you choose to write about me instead of confronting me, then in my mind, you're really hating on me and writing off the friendship.
But then, when I think on it (upon analyzing even further, sur-priize sur-priize), that might not be fair either... I often write much more effectively than I can speak - I have time to consider, and edit, and be concise and accurate with my words.
But anyway, please, if I piss anybody off, call me up, come see me, call me on it. Tell me what a bitch I am. Don't turn away pissed off and blog on me later, it's the beginning of the end if you can't be bothered to deal through the confrontation and the conversation. That's all.
Which brings me to enlightenment on my own frustration. I'm debating on writing something on my spousal unit, we've hit a rough patch this weekend and I'm resenting him for it right now, but to post to all ya'll lookers isn't the right answer. I do prefer writing, as I said above, but instead of writing it to everyone and letting the chips fall where they may at the outcome, I'm going to write it to him only... And hope he's willing to be bothered to work through the confrontation and conversation.
So last week I wrote my (introspective, what a surprise. It is my "special talent") piece on how I tend to shut down when I lose interest in a conversation, which I am saying OUT LOUD, is a terrible thing to do and something that I am going to work on. Much later I visited my friend Paulie's website and saw a post that says "blah blah blah bitches" (commonly used phrase, but, one which harks back to phrases that happened to be in MY post). So, I read the post thinking in the back of my mind "quasi covert response to my post? or completely unrelated?". So, I finish reading the post and I'm thinking "Could be to me. Not likely, but could be."
I am usually terribly blind (ok, ok, naive, pollyanna, whatever reference makes it understandable to you) when it comes to "seeing" digs at me. Or maybe being a narcississt I just don't think it's possible (ok, not). So, my paranoid response it to piece together threads in my mind that could possibly be a dig (which really never existed), while somehow I manage to overlook and be completely blind to hundreds of people talking smack about me practically in front of my face. Yes, I am a dumb ass. I am a pathetic creature and my interpersonal social skills are awkward and undeveloped. I think it comes from growing up with my sister, 4 years older than me, as my best and only friend until she turned about 12 and I was about 8 and I was suddenly no longer a friend, but a child and a burden, as would happen with any blossoming preteen and youngster, but anyway it screwed me up and here I am. But, I'm blathering.
So I reread my post wondering if possibly there is this back and forth thing going, where he saw my post and thought it was to him. I finish reading the post and think "He could think it was to him. It's not, but possibly he could think it."
What the phuck? I did mention how I love to analyze things, right? What that means is that, not only do I love to analyze mental puzzles created and presented by others, but I also create and imagine my own mental puzzles that mess with my mind. I get all locked up inside my own head and occasionally I create non-existent drama until I finally recognize that I need to let that shit go and move on, because it's all smoke and mirrors in my itty bitty bored over analytical brain.
So, after all my angst, the only solution I could think of, which also might make for an interesting post that (hopefully! really!) somebody could relate to out there, is to just say, the engineer referenced in that post is Bill S., who sits across from our friend Rachel Ray's new digs. I feel ridiculously comfortable posting his name here, because he is not among my friends, and I'm really pretty sure he's not even a friend of a friend of mine in the office. Now, he's a nice guy, but the man just likes to hear himself talk. And if you know him, I think you'll agree.
So, anyway, all that got me thinking of the "it's all about me" syndrome. I write my post, maybe friend X thinks "hey, that's about me", then they write a (quite possibly, completely unrelated) post and I read it and think "hey, is that about me?"
It started me thinking, what a kind of phucked up way is this to communicate? If you choose to write about me instead of confronting me, then in my mind, you're really hating on me and writing off the friendship.
But then, when I think on it (upon analyzing even further, sur-priize sur-priize), that might not be fair either... I often write much more effectively than I can speak - I have time to consider, and edit, and be concise and accurate with my words.
But anyway, please, if I piss anybody off, call me up, come see me, call me on it. Tell me what a bitch I am. Don't turn away pissed off and blog on me later, it's the beginning of the end if you can't be bothered to deal through the confrontation and the conversation. That's all.
Which brings me to enlightenment on my own frustration. I'm debating on writing something on my spousal unit, we've hit a rough patch this weekend and I'm resenting him for it right now, but to post to all ya'll lookers isn't the right answer. I do prefer writing, as I said above, but instead of writing it to everyone and letting the chips fall where they may at the outcome, I'm going to write it to him only... And hope he's willing to be bothered to work through the confrontation and conversation.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
On being a selfish byatch.
I am always saying to myself (and sometimes to other people) that I wish I had more friends. I had an epiphany today, and you know I’m thinking now that maybe that’s not exactly true. Or at least, you make your own bed.
Occasionally I look at an aspect of myself and realize how ridiculously (mostly unwittingly, but nonetheless) selfish and narcissistic I am. One of the results of this is that I’m really a terrible people person. I am all right there with you if I am interested in the discussion and the person I’m conversing with is bringing me mental puzzles and things that make you say “hmmm.” I LOVE analyzing paradigms, religion, interpersonal relationships. Heck - analyzing anything - it piques my interest. Take it apart, look at the components, put it back together and see if the end result looks the same as what you started with.
Now, I have to say that I’m kind of a “taker” in this respect. I have a laser focus, which is great for being able to stay on task, not forget about conversational threads begun and dropped midway for a departure to a different topic, etc., but it’s lousy for getting the 10,000 foot view to see something from more than one angle. Set me on the path, though, and I shift that laser focus and start narrowing in on all the possible twists and turns… Follow the laser through all the routes; until I feel like I’ve come out on the other side, then I’m done. Topic closed, move on. Cut cord, discussion over.
Focus - my great strength, also my great bane.
And, my selfish hunger for mental workouts. The minute you start going over the boring same old same old blah blah blah, I lose focus and start to drift. I try to focus and remain interested and interactive, but I’m TERRIBLE at it. I disengage. Cut cord, discussion over. As you might guess, this can be somewhat off-putting to the other person, who is sometimes continuing to have this (unbeknownst to them, one-sided) conversation, only to figure out, sometimes much later, that I am no longer participating in (nay! no longer even paying attention to!) the conversation.
Case in point – this morning I was speaking with one of the engineers about a technical issue with one of the clients. We talked (and talked, and talked…) and got to a point where we were, in my not-so-humble (obviously, ya big egotistical self-centered byatch) opinion, picking nits. And, it involved math. And numbers. Not my strong points (either!). I disengaged. He kept talking. I pointed out that I had a meeting I had to prepare for that was starting in 9 minutes. Still talking. I pointed out that the meeting (which I still had to prepare for!) was now in 3 minutes (and sometimes you’ve just got to go to the ladies room, for god’s sake!). Still talking. I grabbed my notebooks and my pen and gathered them to my chest. Yep, you guessed it - still talking. I was on the verge of standing and walking past him toward the bathroom when he finally started backing into the hall (my GOD - STILL talking!) and I took the opportunity to quickly shoot past him toward the ladies’ room with a conciliatory word on the fly.
But, that’s work related. If it had been personal, particularly when I am at work – he’d have been shut down at the 9 minute countdown. Cut cord, discussion over.
Moral of the story – my revelation is that these poor interpersonal tactics may be impacting my ability to make friends. And, to anyone who has been summarily clipped as a result – I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better. Really.
Now what were you saying again?
Occasionally I look at an aspect of myself and realize how ridiculously (mostly unwittingly, but nonetheless) selfish and narcissistic I am. One of the results of this is that I’m really a terrible people person. I am all right there with you if I am interested in the discussion and the person I’m conversing with is bringing me mental puzzles and things that make you say “hmmm.” I LOVE analyzing paradigms, religion, interpersonal relationships. Heck - analyzing anything - it piques my interest. Take it apart, look at the components, put it back together and see if the end result looks the same as what you started with.
Now, I have to say that I’m kind of a “taker” in this respect. I have a laser focus, which is great for being able to stay on task, not forget about conversational threads begun and dropped midway for a departure to a different topic, etc., but it’s lousy for getting the 10,000 foot view to see something from more than one angle. Set me on the path, though, and I shift that laser focus and start narrowing in on all the possible twists and turns… Follow the laser through all the routes; until I feel like I’ve come out on the other side, then I’m done. Topic closed, move on. Cut cord, discussion over.
Focus - my great strength, also my great bane.
And, my selfish hunger for mental workouts. The minute you start going over the boring same old same old blah blah blah, I lose focus and start to drift. I try to focus and remain interested and interactive, but I’m TERRIBLE at it. I disengage. Cut cord, discussion over. As you might guess, this can be somewhat off-putting to the other person, who is sometimes continuing to have this (unbeknownst to them, one-sided) conversation, only to figure out, sometimes much later, that I am no longer participating in (nay! no longer even paying attention to!) the conversation.
Case in point – this morning I was speaking with one of the engineers about a technical issue with one of the clients. We talked (and talked, and talked…) and got to a point where we were, in my not-so-humble (obviously, ya big egotistical self-centered byatch) opinion, picking nits. And, it involved math. And numbers. Not my strong points (either!). I disengaged. He kept talking. I pointed out that I had a meeting I had to prepare for that was starting in 9 minutes. Still talking. I pointed out that the meeting (which I still had to prepare for!) was now in 3 minutes (and sometimes you’ve just got to go to the ladies room, for god’s sake!). Still talking. I grabbed my notebooks and my pen and gathered them to my chest. Yep, you guessed it - still talking. I was on the verge of standing and walking past him toward the bathroom when he finally started backing into the hall (my GOD - STILL talking!) and I took the opportunity to quickly shoot past him toward the ladies’ room with a conciliatory word on the fly.
But, that’s work related. If it had been personal, particularly when I am at work – he’d have been shut down at the 9 minute countdown. Cut cord, discussion over.
Moral of the story – my revelation is that these poor interpersonal tactics may be impacting my ability to make friends. And, to anyone who has been summarily clipped as a result – I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better. Really.
Now what were you saying again?
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Bottle tans
OK, so I just have to make a quick post here. I have a (normally very lovely, or at least, em, normal looking) coworker that I haven't seen in a couple of days, and when I saw her today I just couldn't stop STARING.... Normally a very fair skinned (albeit bottle) blonde, today she looks like (what I envision) a radiation burn victim! Can you say Oompa Loompa, boys and girls?
Now, I'm as big a fan of the Jergens Natural Glow as anybody, but come on. I'm not trying to look like I just bounced in off of Baywatch, I'm just trying to take the weird glow-in-the-dark lizard belly shade of white edge off. The whole all-over tan in super dark - like I'm going to think to myself (mental Napoleon Dynamite voice) "Luuckiie. She must've just come back from the Bahamas."
What inspires people to do such things?!
Now, I'm as big a fan of the Jergens Natural Glow as anybody, but come on. I'm not trying to look like I just bounced in off of Baywatch, I'm just trying to take the weird glow-in-the-dark lizard belly shade of white edge off. The whole all-over tan in super dark - like I'm going to think to myself (mental Napoleon Dynamite voice) "Luuckiie. She must've just come back from the Bahamas."
What inspires people to do such things?!
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Notes to self from Hua Hu Ching
Notes to self from Hua Hu Ching, the teachings of Lau Tzu, by Brian Walker
---------------------
From two and four:
The first practice is the practice of undiscriminating virtue: take care of those who are deserving; also, and equally, take care of those who are not.
To practice virtue is to selflessly offer assistance to others, giving without limitation one's time, abilities, and possessions in service, whenever and wherever needed, without prejudice concerning the identity of those in need.
If your willingness to give blessings is limited, so also is your ability to receive them.
-----------------------
From ten:
The ego is a monkey catapulting through the jungle:
Totally fascinated by the realm of the senses,
it swings from one desire to the next,
one conflict to the next,
one self-centered idea to the next.
If you threaten it, it actually fears for its life.
Let this monkey go.
Let the senses go.
Let desires go.
Let conflicts go.
Let ideas go.
Let the fiction of life and death go.
Just remain in the center, watching.
And then forget that you are there.
--------------------------------------------
These are the lessons that have spoken to me so far, I note them here so that I may listen to them longer.
---------------------
From two and four:
The first practice is the practice of undiscriminating virtue: take care of those who are deserving; also, and equally, take care of those who are not.
To practice virtue is to selflessly offer assistance to others, giving without limitation one's time, abilities, and possessions in service, whenever and wherever needed, without prejudice concerning the identity of those in need.
If your willingness to give blessings is limited, so also is your ability to receive them.
-----------------------
From ten:
The ego is a monkey catapulting through the jungle:
Totally fascinated by the realm of the senses,
it swings from one desire to the next,
one conflict to the next,
one self-centered idea to the next.
If you threaten it, it actually fears for its life.
Let this monkey go.
Let the senses go.
Let desires go.
Let conflicts go.
Let ideas go.
Let the fiction of life and death go.
Just remain in the center, watching.
And then forget that you are there.
--------------------------------------------
These are the lessons that have spoken to me so far, I note them here so that I may listen to them longer.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Right now, there IS NO wagon!!!!
OK, I have to post this message for a point of clarity. I am not an alcoholic. I could be. I am NOT.
And, no, I am NOT in denial. So, let me say, THERE IS NO WAGON.
I feel like my previous post was like putting this sticker on my own back that reads "Hey everybody - I'm a friend of Bill W."
Lemme add some clarity here.
1) I am not an alcoholic.
2) Yep, I sure could be an alcoholic, IF I failed to self moderate.
3) I like my drink.
4) I will always like my drink.
5) I still drink.
6) I will always drink, IF my self moderation system works for me.
The system being - recognize that for a couple of days there, I was tieing one on, and I don't need to be that crazy drunk, especially not on quiet TV nights at home.
My analysis: Stupid drunk once a year at a party - OK. Stupid drunk 3 of 5 weeknights at home - PROBLEM. It's pointless, it's stupid, and it's bad for my health. And I KNOW IT... And, I've done something about it - recognize these facts and moderate accordingly. Max - 2 glasses of wine on a weeknight. That way, I don't have to do that whole faulty "but, I don't feel drunk" logic, that always gets me in trouble because it takes an hour before the last glass hits you.
If this system works for me, guess what? I'll continue drinking forever. And yep, if you only see me once a year at a party, guess what? I may be stupid drunk. But if you come over to hang out for a quiet TV night, or vice versa, I WON'T be. I may enjoy one or two glasses of wine, or maybe even (if it is a super long 3+ hour TV session) more than that. But not stupid drunk. Not often. And that's the key.
You know what, if down the road I find that this system doesn't work, I'll roll that damn wagon right in here and jump on singing "Rawhide!" But, I am not there, and THAT is the point.
And, no, I am NOT in denial. So, let me say, THERE IS NO WAGON.
I feel like my previous post was like putting this sticker on my own back that reads "Hey everybody - I'm a friend of Bill W."
Lemme add some clarity here.
1) I am not an alcoholic.
2) Yep, I sure could be an alcoholic, IF I failed to self moderate.
3) I like my drink.
4) I will always like my drink.
5) I still drink.
6) I will always drink, IF my self moderation system works for me.
The system being - recognize that for a couple of days there, I was tieing one on, and I don't need to be that crazy drunk, especially not on quiet TV nights at home.
My analysis: Stupid drunk once a year at a party - OK. Stupid drunk 3 of 5 weeknights at home - PROBLEM. It's pointless, it's stupid, and it's bad for my health. And I KNOW IT... And, I've done something about it - recognize these facts and moderate accordingly. Max - 2 glasses of wine on a weeknight. That way, I don't have to do that whole faulty "but, I don't feel drunk" logic, that always gets me in trouble because it takes an hour before the last glass hits you.
If this system works for me, guess what? I'll continue drinking forever. And yep, if you only see me once a year at a party, guess what? I may be stupid drunk. But if you come over to hang out for a quiet TV night, or vice versa, I WON'T be. I may enjoy one or two glasses of wine, or maybe even (if it is a super long 3+ hour TV session) more than that. But not stupid drunk. Not often. And that's the key.
You know what, if down the road I find that this system doesn't work, I'll roll that damn wagon right in here and jump on singing "Rawhide!" But, I am not there, and THAT is the point.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
It's official, I've lost it.
Or, maybe I'm becoming Californian. Or maybe just Nancy Reagan. You gotta know a lot of those folks are a little touched.
The signs of this craziness, you ask (or at least, I project you asking, but I bet you already caught em)?
Yeah, actually acting based on dreams... Um hum... And crystals? I just don't know about myself any more. I'd like to think that Wicca works and all that, but my OC control freak mind won't even let me go there. No. Possible. Way. Or for sure there'd be more Wiccans than Christians today, methinks.
But, as ka wills, so will it be - the path that found me be what it may, if it has helped me regain the road, none can deny its validity (me included).
But, yep. I'm nuts.
The signs of this craziness, you ask (or at least, I project you asking, but I bet you already caught em)?
Yeah, actually acting based on dreams... Um hum... And crystals? I just don't know about myself any more. I'd like to think that Wicca works and all that, but my OC control freak mind won't even let me go there. No. Possible. Way. Or for sure there'd be more Wiccans than Christians today, methinks.
But, as ka wills, so will it be - the path that found me be what it may, if it has helped me regain the road, none can deny its validity (me included).
But, yep. I'm nuts.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Drinking, dreaming, and the metaphysical properties of crystals
Someone told me once that a predilection for addiction is hereditary. My maternal grandfather was a drunk, and my mother smoked 90 cigarettes a day. I myself am a former smoker. Last night I drank too much wine. Again.
It's hard, because making home made wine, I tend to have a lot of it readily available to me, it's not like I have to dish out another $9-10 to get another bottle. And then with these big wine glasses, its hard to tell when to stop. Unfortunately, what that usually means is that I go from being totally fine to being totally plastered, with what seems like no warning or medium point in between. It is starting to bother me. I drink too much. Shallowly buried suicidal manifestations to be reined back in, like so many others. I could be a totally phucked up individual, if I let myself. But then, I'm an Obsessive Compulsive control freak!
Last night I awoke at about 2:15 am, then lay in bed awake for an hour thinking about it. I was drifting in and out of sleep at one point, I don't remember all of my dreams, but the one I do remember was me holding a very large (I dunno? 8" wide x 12" tall or something? it took both hands) rough crystal, thinking this would somehow help me keep from drinking too much. I awoke briefly from the dream and thought to myself "healing crystals, must look into healing crystals in the morning."
So today I did. In my dream the crystal I was holding was NOT perfectly clear, it seemed to be very occluded, basically not a white or clear crystal, but slightly yellower / less perfect than the white or perfect crystals I would think of as a "crystal" in my waking moments. So today I researched, and when I was looking at various pictures of crystals on line I quickly decided that the citrine was the closest to my dream. I just happened across this information on what that particular crystal is supposed to help to heal:
Citrine: Acid indigestion, food disorders, allergies. Cleansing spleen, kidneys, liver, urinary system, intestines. Mental and emotional clarity, problem-solving, memory, willpower, optimism, confidence, self-discipline. Reducing anxiety, fear, and depression.
Weird, or what? I don't know a damn thing about crystals. Strange I would just happen to dream of the exact one that would be "right" if I did know about them. No other crystals for kidneys, liver, etc., areas impacted by drinking that I found.
Coincidence? I think not. I ordered a quartz crystal and citrine necklace.
It's hard, because making home made wine, I tend to have a lot of it readily available to me, it's not like I have to dish out another $9-10 to get another bottle. And then with these big wine glasses, its hard to tell when to stop. Unfortunately, what that usually means is that I go from being totally fine to being totally plastered, with what seems like no warning or medium point in between. It is starting to bother me. I drink too much. Shallowly buried suicidal manifestations to be reined back in, like so many others. I could be a totally phucked up individual, if I let myself. But then, I'm an Obsessive Compulsive control freak!
Last night I awoke at about 2:15 am, then lay in bed awake for an hour thinking about it. I was drifting in and out of sleep at one point, I don't remember all of my dreams, but the one I do remember was me holding a very large (I dunno? 8" wide x 12" tall or something? it took both hands) rough crystal, thinking this would somehow help me keep from drinking too much. I awoke briefly from the dream and thought to myself "healing crystals, must look into healing crystals in the morning."
So today I did. In my dream the crystal I was holding was NOT perfectly clear, it seemed to be very occluded, basically not a white or clear crystal, but slightly yellower / less perfect than the white or perfect crystals I would think of as a "crystal" in my waking moments. So today I researched, and when I was looking at various pictures of crystals on line I quickly decided that the citrine was the closest to my dream. I just happened across this information on what that particular crystal is supposed to help to heal:
Citrine: Acid indigestion, food disorders, allergies. Cleansing spleen, kidneys, liver, urinary system, intestines. Mental and emotional clarity, problem-solving, memory, willpower, optimism, confidence, self-discipline. Reducing anxiety, fear, and depression.
Weird, or what? I don't know a damn thing about crystals. Strange I would just happen to dream of the exact one that would be "right" if I did know about them. No other crystals for kidneys, liver, etc., areas impacted by drinking that I found.
Coincidence? I think not. I ordered a quartz crystal and citrine necklace.
Rorschach association - roadkill / C-rella
Good to know that when people see roadkill, they think of me. Ha ha!!
Hmmm. Yes, very interesting! I wrote a piece once about how you never really get the opportunity to see yourself through someone else's eyes. Come to think of it, maybe I should be very, very glad of that.
I have a whole lengthy dissertation in me about all my roadkill experiences, perhaps I'll expound on them later this evening. Maybe not. Sometimes half assed is as good as it gets before I lose the impetus and interest to keep working at it. Plus, you know, I hate looking back - and anything I've already touched on line becomes history of sorts. We'll see.
So, for now, that's it. Done. No more pathetic roadkill memoriams. They're dead. Damn sad.
Drive less. Care more.
Hmmm. Yes, very interesting! I wrote a piece once about how you never really get the opportunity to see yourself through someone else's eyes. Come to think of it, maybe I should be very, very glad of that.
I have a whole lengthy dissertation in me about all my roadkill experiences, perhaps I'll expound on them later this evening. Maybe not. Sometimes half assed is as good as it gets before I lose the impetus and interest to keep working at it. Plus, you know, I hate looking back - and anything I've already touched on line becomes history of sorts. We'll see.
So, for now, that's it. Done. No more pathetic roadkill memoriams. They're dead. Damn sad.
Drive less. Care more.
This time, the good wins: the good, the bad, and the ugly
Some of my culinary experimentations are definitely better than others. I referenced in an earlier post that I only cook with recipes; that's true 99.99% of the time. Occasionally I'll delve out on my own, with varying degrees of success.
That being said, this one actually turned out pretty good! And, I love having a "secret ingredient." This one was inspired by a salad that I had at a local restaurant, baby spinach leaves with sliced strawberries.
Ingredients: baby spinach leaves, mixed green salad (bagged type- any lettuce variety you prefer), low-fat feta cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, walnuts, cucumber, real tomato, kiwi fruit and grilled chicken
for 2 dinner-sized servings:
Mix aprx 2 cups mixed greens and 2 cups spinach leaves. Sprinkle with aprx. 4 tbsp low-fat feta. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped sun-dried tomatoes. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped walnuts. Add 1/2 large cucumber (chopped) and the tomato (also finely chopped). Peel the kiwi fruit, chop and add. Toss well, add the chopped up grilled chicken on top.
Serve with Newman's low-fat raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette dressing.
YUM!
That being said, this one actually turned out pretty good! And, I love having a "secret ingredient." This one was inspired by a salad that I had at a local restaurant, baby spinach leaves with sliced strawberries.
Ingredients: baby spinach leaves, mixed green salad (bagged type- any lettuce variety you prefer), low-fat feta cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, walnuts, cucumber, real tomato, kiwi fruit and grilled chicken
for 2 dinner-sized servings:
Mix aprx 2 cups mixed greens and 2 cups spinach leaves. Sprinkle with aprx. 4 tbsp low-fat feta. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped sun-dried tomatoes. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped walnuts. Add 1/2 large cucumber (chopped) and the tomato (also finely chopped). Peel the kiwi fruit, chop and add. Toss well, add the chopped up grilled chicken on top.
Serve with Newman's low-fat raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette dressing.
YUM!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Page from the Vegemobile diaries
"If America can go to the moon, then in the decades to come we should not ever have to have young Americans sent to any part of the world to defend and die for America's gluttony on fossil fuel."
- John Kerry
For the records - Filled up diesel tank 11/09/05, 8:41 am, 11.243 gallons, $2.799 / gallon, $31.47.
We'll see how far that thirty bucks gets us in the Vegemobile.
- John Kerry
For the records - Filled up diesel tank 11/09/05, 8:41 am, 11.243 gallons, $2.799 / gallon, $31.47.
We'll see how far that thirty bucks gets us in the Vegemobile.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Work, and my new outlook
Lately things have been so busy at work that I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed. Combined with the time change (meaning that I only see daylight from my car on my ride in to work in the morning, unless I go out for lunch, which I don't often have time to do), I have been getting more and more stressed out. Also, hubby was gone the whole month of October, and I really missed him, but it is an adjustment (for both of us - I can see I am grating his nerves time to time as well) to be around someone at every moment when we are at home. At work - well, it seems like the work is driving me, instead of me driving the work the way it should be. And, well, it makes me snappish. Oh yeah, and throw the woman's curse this week into the mix. Yay. Moody me.
I have decided, to take control of what I can - my outlook. My new outlook is to STAY POSITIVE. One of my tools is going to be self affirmations. I always sort of thought they were ridiculously silly (someone looking in a mirror saying they love themselves, just seems a little weird/silly to me, I would be really self conscious!), BUT, my affirmations are more like thinking meditative thoughts about remaining calm, and repeating to myself "I am in control," "I have all the time I need to do what is required of me today," etc.
We'll see! And, I'm going to go back to going out to lunch. It REALLY helps me from getting uber frazzled and stressed out - like hitting reset for my attitude. I need it. I sort of feel guilty/insufficient for the fact that I do need it (so many successful people can skip lunch, work 60 hour work weeks, etc - I just don't seem to have it in me to do those things without totally wigging out and being constantly snappish), but what can I do? Recognize, accept, and deal with this reality of my abilities and limits, optimize by taking the steps I know help me to be more centered, more balanced, more effective.
I have decided, to take control of what I can - my outlook. My new outlook is to STAY POSITIVE. One of my tools is going to be self affirmations. I always sort of thought they were ridiculously silly (someone looking in a mirror saying they love themselves, just seems a little weird/silly to me, I would be really self conscious!), BUT, my affirmations are more like thinking meditative thoughts about remaining calm, and repeating to myself "I am in control," "I have all the time I need to do what is required of me today," etc.
We'll see! And, I'm going to go back to going out to lunch. It REALLY helps me from getting uber frazzled and stressed out - like hitting reset for my attitude. I need it. I sort of feel guilty/insufficient for the fact that I do need it (so many successful people can skip lunch, work 60 hour work weeks, etc - I just don't seem to have it in me to do those things without totally wigging out and being constantly snappish), but what can I do? Recognize, accept, and deal with this reality of my abilities and limits, optimize by taking the steps I know help me to be more centered, more balanced, more effective.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Ha ha
I am the walking embodiment of the first and second noble truths of Buddhism.
I am about to make a statement that has been totally unresearched and may be completely unsupported/not in line with Buddhism. I am not a Buddhist, nor do I currently feel up to the due diligence requirement, so I'm just going to stick my next thought up here like I wanted to, to begin with. I may or may not come back to do more research to get the full/better understanding of Buddhism at a later time. Meantime, of course, you may feel free to contribute to my education in this regard as applicable. For now, here's just the next thought:
Does blind acceptance = enlightenment?
I am about to make a statement that has been totally unresearched and may be completely unsupported/not in line with Buddhism. I am not a Buddhist, nor do I currently feel up to the due diligence requirement, so I'm just going to stick my next thought up here like I wanted to, to begin with. I may or may not come back to do more research to get the full/better understanding of Buddhism at a later time. Meantime, of course, you may feel free to contribute to my education in this regard as applicable. For now, here's just the next thought:
Does blind acceptance = enlightenment?
The master of introspection continues... please stand by, our regularly scheduled programming will resume shortly.
I worry what will happen if/when I decide to stop looking. Searching for meaning is the only thing that keeps me alive, but not finding it is slowly killing me. But what does it even matter?
I think I may be here only for others. At times in their lives I know people have turned to me, I have been here, I am always here, I am a rock. But also, times in their lives others have turned to me, I turned and walked away for self preservation.
I have a talent at being the most cold heartless and unforgiving being, I can drop you like a stone, turn my back on you and never look back if you give me a reason to. Once, without reason, only selfish quest for evolution of self, and need to avoid suffocation. Never again. I would sooner suffocate. I carry the black mark on my soul.
I think I could be a killer, I would only need to know I was serving the greater good, put the guy that tortures dogs in front of me and a rifle and capacity for my anonymity in my hands and there would be one less walking embodiment of evil in the universe. I have a talent for drawing clear lines and boundaries in my soul, and I can put people into mental boxes (coffins?) that never get opened again. I see you, you pass in front of my eyes, but you are never in my mind, never again. Burn me once, I scream and curl up in betrayal, hold that flame out again and you will never even throw light on my vulnerability.
But if you are there for me, if you are my friend, I am the most loyal, supportive, consistent, there for you when the shit hits the fan and everyone else is running, person you will ever know. Maybe that is all I am to be. I have saved some, I have damned some, perhaps they are to become the enlightened and it is my purpose only to guide them, not actually to find enlightenment myself.
I think I may be here only for others. At times in their lives I know people have turned to me, I have been here, I am always here, I am a rock. But also, times in their lives others have turned to me, I turned and walked away for self preservation.
I have a talent at being the most cold heartless and unforgiving being, I can drop you like a stone, turn my back on you and never look back if you give me a reason to. Once, without reason, only selfish quest for evolution of self, and need to avoid suffocation. Never again. I would sooner suffocate. I carry the black mark on my soul.
I think I could be a killer, I would only need to know I was serving the greater good, put the guy that tortures dogs in front of me and a rifle and capacity for my anonymity in my hands and there would be one less walking embodiment of evil in the universe. I have a talent for drawing clear lines and boundaries in my soul, and I can put people into mental boxes (coffins?) that never get opened again. I see you, you pass in front of my eyes, but you are never in my mind, never again. Burn me once, I scream and curl up in betrayal, hold that flame out again and you will never even throw light on my vulnerability.
But if you are there for me, if you are my friend, I am the most loyal, supportive, consistent, there for you when the shit hits the fan and everyone else is running, person you will ever know. Maybe that is all I am to be. I have saved some, I have damned some, perhaps they are to become the enlightened and it is my purpose only to guide them, not actually to find enlightenment myself.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Lost
Sun: "Did you see me?"
Locke: "Rip apart your garden? No."
"Sometimes I wish I had a garden to tear apart."
Sun: "I don't think I have ever seen you angry."
Locke: "Ha. Oh! I used to get angry all the time. Frustrated, too."
Sun: "You're not... frustrated... any more?"
Locke: "I'm not lost any more."
Sun: "How did you do that?"
Locke: "Same way anything lost gets found.
I stopped looking."
Locke: "Rip apart your garden? No."
"Sometimes I wish I had a garden to tear apart."
Sun: "I don't think I have ever seen you angry."
Locke: "Ha. Oh! I used to get angry all the time. Frustrated, too."
Sun: "You're not... frustrated... any more?"
Locke: "I'm not lost any more."
Sun: "How did you do that?"
Locke: "Same way anything lost gets found.
I stopped looking."
We're not worthy, we're not worthy
When I was a young girl I always thought of myself as creative. I wrote, and was convinced that my writing was the manifestation of some deep inner creativity. For the past several years, though, I have sort of had this sinking feeling (realization? or harsh self judgement? who can tell) that my creativity isn't really real, it is just the shadowy reflection and emulation of other people's true creativity. I take someone else's idea and do something with it, tweak it. But there is never a true original idea underneath. Beading - a friend started making necklaces, I started making necklaces. No matter how pretty they end up, I know they are just the same thing every other damn jewelry maker on the planet is doing. Sewing? Only with a pattern. Cooking - only with a recipe, maybe I'll add some cayenne. Never good enough.
Knowing these things, that I am totally lacking creativity, I feel empty. I've lost my compass and my direction. I have been waiting all these years (and I'm getting pretty long in the tooth over here, let me tell you) for the light to shine down from the heavens and for me to suddenly realize my purpose, have my creative insight revealed and to know, in my heart, my true direction. Instead what is happening is I am fragmenting and drifting aimlessly. Or as I said some time ago, I am
An oversight by the gods
in between, never
quite reaching ground or
enlightenment
lost forever worthless soul
Which leads me to the subject of this post. Worthiness. I have this supposed high standard that I've been trying to maintain on this blog, trying to keep it to the meaningful shit and leave out the boring "music o the day" crap that somehow still gets out there, that I consider filler. I want what goes on on this page to be riveting. Ok, maybe I'll never get to riveting. I want the shit to be at least interesting. Thought provoking, maybe? All right, all right, I at least want you to be involved enough to finish reading whatever I wrote to begin with. I don't want this to be a forum of information that you're like "thanks, babe, but I could have found that myself somewhere else, don't need you to post it." I want it to be... Well, I guess I want it to be interesting. I want to be interesting.
And right now I am feeling so empty and uninteresting, un-thought provoking. Absolutely not riveting.
I am fragmented
what I am should be could be
desiring oneness
punishing myself
lifetimes come and go and still
I am unworthy
Can you tell I was working in the haiku 5/7/5 for a while? It's all just crap anyway. But damn it, its my crap. So maybe writing about my lack of worthiness is worthy.
Even my damn angst can't be original. All this crap probably represents 99% of my Generation (X). I am X. Fill in the blank. Fill me in.
Blah. Double blah. Somebody out there (you may know that I am totally not sure which god I subscribe to, other than I know he is out there laughing his ass off at my boring lack of drama, drama) gimme something to work with, here!
Knowing these things, that I am totally lacking creativity, I feel empty. I've lost my compass and my direction. I have been waiting all these years (and I'm getting pretty long in the tooth over here, let me tell you) for the light to shine down from the heavens and for me to suddenly realize my purpose, have my creative insight revealed and to know, in my heart, my true direction. Instead what is happening is I am fragmenting and drifting aimlessly. Or as I said some time ago, I am
An oversight by the gods
in between, never
quite reaching ground or
enlightenment
lost forever worthless soul
Which leads me to the subject of this post. Worthiness. I have this supposed high standard that I've been trying to maintain on this blog, trying to keep it to the meaningful shit and leave out the boring "music o the day" crap that somehow still gets out there, that I consider filler. I want what goes on on this page to be riveting. Ok, maybe I'll never get to riveting. I want the shit to be at least interesting. Thought provoking, maybe? All right, all right, I at least want you to be involved enough to finish reading whatever I wrote to begin with. I don't want this to be a forum of information that you're like "thanks, babe, but I could have found that myself somewhere else, don't need you to post it." I want it to be... Well, I guess I want it to be interesting. I want to be interesting.
And right now I am feeling so empty and uninteresting, un-thought provoking. Absolutely not riveting.
I am fragmented
what I am should be could be
desiring oneness
punishing myself
lifetimes come and go and still
I am unworthy
Can you tell I was working in the haiku 5/7/5 for a while? It's all just crap anyway. But damn it, its my crap. So maybe writing about my lack of worthiness is worthy.
Even my damn angst can't be original. All this crap probably represents 99% of my Generation (X). I am X. Fill in the blank. Fill me in.
Blah. Double blah. Somebody out there (you may know that I am totally not sure which god I subscribe to, other than I know he is out there laughing his ass off at my boring lack of drama, drama) gimme something to work with, here!
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Easy peasy, nice n greasy
Friday, October 14, 2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Sis' article
My sis wrote about me (or, more specifically, my car!) for her local paper, read the article here.
The insult is in the eye of the beholder. Isn't it?
Now, if you know me you know I take myself just too damn seriously. I can't help it. I try not to. I'm just not a super lighthearted chick about digs, its because I am introspective and self-judgemental to the point of peeling back my own layers even though I'm screaming in internal pain and shame. I just can't take the shit from other people because it feeds me more nails to hammer up under my own fingernails later, again and again. I relive my incompetence and general ineffectiveness and life impotence. again. and again. and again.
But, with that said, a note: I'm going to venture down this way overly serious path about a little bullshit topic. NOTE: This topic REALLY doesn't bother me as much as it might seem like it does, but I'm writing on it, just because, well, I haven't had shit else to write about and this one had the gears turning for a minute, so I thought, what the hell? Why not slap it up on this pointless blog of mine that exists in a damn cyberspace vaccum and serves only my own myopic apathetic view of the world? Sounds great! At least it will be a placeholder.
So, I have this friend that has said I look like this particular (2nd rate wanna be) actress. It really bothers me because I personally think this person is pretty damn hideous looking. My friend, however, thinks that making (and continuing to by inference) this comparison is no big deal, because they think that she is not bad looking.
Here's the conversation (or at least the way it happened in my mind:
All friends: What you eating? Oh, here's what I'm eating, here's what's in it, blah blah blah boring shit... blah blah blah funny shit... blah blah blah
(out of the blue)
Friend 1: Hey, you know today is (large-nostrilled thin lipped big toothed weird head shaped wack job) actress' birthday?
Me: How is that relevant?
Friend 1: Well, you know, I'm just saying.
Friend 2: What are you guys talking about?
Friend 1: C-rella here doesn't like Actress.
Me: I'm just saying, out of all the people I've been told I look like, I think she's the LEAST attractive.
Friend 2: Well, you do sort of have that crazy thing going (like Actress).
Me: Grrrrrrrrreaaat... Gets better and better.
So, the question is, the insult is in the eye of the beholder, right? I mean, if I thought you look like some really butt ugly person but someone I like because they have this great, redeeming, funny personality, should I tell you that shit? Hey, you know you look like Butt Ugly? What? You're insulted? No, get over that shit! Really, they're nice, I like them, I mean they're cute in a "I'm so hideous I'm really kind of cute" sort of way.
Deep thoughts.! Ha! Just the track my brain was following, and I decided that instead of deciding it was too damn boring and not entertaining enough to be worthy to post, here ya go. Nothin but top quality fodder from the mind of yours truly.
But, with that said, a note: I'm going to venture down this way overly serious path about a little bullshit topic. NOTE: This topic REALLY doesn't bother me as much as it might seem like it does, but I'm writing on it, just because, well, I haven't had shit else to write about and this one had the gears turning for a minute, so I thought, what the hell? Why not slap it up on this pointless blog of mine that exists in a damn cyberspace vaccum and serves only my own myopic apathetic view of the world? Sounds great! At least it will be a placeholder.
So, I have this friend that has said I look like this particular (2nd rate wanna be) actress. It really bothers me because I personally think this person is pretty damn hideous looking. My friend, however, thinks that making (and continuing to by inference) this comparison is no big deal, because they think that she is not bad looking.
Here's the conversation (or at least the way it happened in my mind:
All friends: What you eating? Oh, here's what I'm eating, here's what's in it, blah blah blah boring shit... blah blah blah funny shit... blah blah blah
(out of the blue)
Friend 1: Hey, you know today is (large-nostrilled thin lipped big toothed weird head shaped wack job) actress' birthday?
Me: How is that relevant?
Friend 1: Well, you know, I'm just saying.
Friend 2: What are you guys talking about?
Friend 1: C-rella here doesn't like Actress.
Me: I'm just saying, out of all the people I've been told I look like, I think she's the LEAST attractive.
Friend 2: Well, you do sort of have that crazy thing going (like Actress).
Me: Grrrrrrrrreaaat... Gets better and better.
So, the question is, the insult is in the eye of the beholder, right? I mean, if I thought you look like some really butt ugly person but someone I like because they have this great, redeeming, funny personality, should I tell you that shit? Hey, you know you look like Butt Ugly? What? You're insulted? No, get over that shit! Really, they're nice, I like them, I mean they're cute in a "I'm so hideous I'm really kind of cute" sort of way.
Deep thoughts.! Ha! Just the track my brain was following, and I decided that instead of deciding it was too damn boring and not entertaining enough to be worthy to post, here ya go. Nothin but top quality fodder from the mind of yours truly.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Have I mentioned...
how much I love horseback riding? Went again Sunday and had a BLAST, yet again. Got to go (pretty slowly, but still) around some barrels, in a controlled trot. I feel like I am learning so much! I don't have any real ambition to compete (although the trainer was telling me about a 12 year old whose parents took her out of public school and were home-schooling so they could travel and she could compete... well, yeah, she made $170K last year at it !!!). My goals right now are just to become an excellent rider, which could take a while.
Monday, September 12, 2005
This weekend - veggie in my VW
Well, this weekend John & I are going to Blacksburg for the VA Tech game. While we're gone we're leaving the Jetta TDI with an associate of John's, and it will be magically converted to run on VEGETABLE OIL! Yay! Veggie oil is a great sustainable resource and any diesel car can run directly on it if you have a dual tank system (you can't leave the pure veggie oil in the system or it will congeal in cold weather, so you have to start and stop the systems on diesel), or you can mix it with diesel and pump it directly into your tank. See this site for more info on the dual tank system and this one for more info on the mixed fuels system.
I'm so excited! I'm just a bit disappointed that I won't be in town to witness and take pics of the steps of the transformation. I promise I'll take and post some of the completed install.
We're going to get the veggie oil from the guy doing the conversion, he has a great filtering system already in place to be sure its cleaned sufficiently, and he sells it at 25% of the going rate for regular diesel.
He's got the system installed on his car and he says he only fills up the regular diesel tank about once every six weeks. John (geek that he is - got to love him) has calculated the timeframe for full ROI at about a year.
I'm so excited! I'm just a bit disappointed that I won't be in town to witness and take pics of the steps of the transformation. I promise I'll take and post some of the completed install.
We're going to get the veggie oil from the guy doing the conversion, he has a great filtering system already in place to be sure its cleaned sufficiently, and he sells it at 25% of the going rate for regular diesel.
He's got the system installed on his car and he says he only fills up the regular diesel tank about once every six weeks. John (geek that he is - got to love him) has calculated the timeframe for full ROI at about a year.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Riders on the storm
I had my first horseback riding lesson since I was, like, 8, today. It was awesome!!! The original plan was to take a couple of lessons, just to get up to speed and comfortable again so that I could do a trail ride with my friend Erica without killing myself, but now that I have been one time (and LOVED it) I'm just planning to keep on going. The stables I rode at do a lot of competition work with the folks they train. Who knows, maybe even this old dog could learn some new tricks.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Katrina
My heart is heavy over the Katrina tragedy. My first instinct is to open our home and take in at least some of the displaced people. Of course cynic John's point of view is, "yeah, but if you do that you don't really know who you're going to get." This is true, and while I admit that it is (more clearly than ever, now) obvious that you might take in someone that would rob you or do something else that was bad, I think the likelyhood of them doing that to you after you open your heart and home would hopefully be very small.
Here are the local Red Cross shelters, I am thinking of seeing if I can talk John into going to one of them with me and picking a family or some people to offer temporary housing to. We don't have enough money to support a bunch more people, but I am also a believer that you have to do the right thing first and somehow needs will be met.
Henderson Gym
701 Willard Street
Albany
GA
Adamsville Recreation Center
3201 MLK Jr. Drive
Atlanta
GA
Central Avenue Church of Christ
304E Central Avenue
Valdosta
GA
Hilton Terrace Baptist Church
2236 Warm Springs Road
Columbus
GA
Georgia FFA SCCA Center
720 FFA Road
Covington
GA
Warren Baptist Church
3203 Washington Road
Augusta
GA
First Baptist Church on the Square
100 Broad Street
LaGrange
GA
Note that the "official" stance on this from Rick Schofield, Response Mgr., American Red Cross is:
(caller with question:) "With so many people left homeless in the affected areas are there any plans or programs for people in other parts of the country to open their homes and take to take in people while the local officials secure and prepare these areas for the return of the local residents?"
Rick Schofield: Although a generous offer, the logistics and challenges with such a donation make it something Red Cross cannot accept. Our role is to provide emergency shelter and assistance and then assist in recovery, working with other terrific local and national agencies.
Original link is here.
Here are the local Red Cross shelters, I am thinking of seeing if I can talk John into going to one of them with me and picking a family or some people to offer temporary housing to. We don't have enough money to support a bunch more people, but I am also a believer that you have to do the right thing first and somehow needs will be met.
Henderson Gym
701 Willard Street
Albany
GA
Adamsville Recreation Center
3201 MLK Jr. Drive
Atlanta
GA
Central Avenue Church of Christ
304E Central Avenue
Valdosta
GA
Hilton Terrace Baptist Church
2236 Warm Springs Road
Columbus
GA
Georgia FFA SCCA Center
720 FFA Road
Covington
GA
Warren Baptist Church
3203 Washington Road
Augusta
GA
First Baptist Church on the Square
100 Broad Street
LaGrange
GA
Note that the "official" stance on this from Rick Schofield, Response Mgr., American Red Cross is:
(caller with question:) "With so many people left homeless in the affected areas are there any plans or programs for people in other parts of the country to open their homes and take to take in people while the local officials secure and prepare these areas for the return of the local residents?"
Rick Schofield: Although a generous offer, the logistics and challenges with such a donation make it something Red Cross cannot accept. Our role is to provide emergency shelter and assistance and then assist in recovery, working with other terrific local and national agencies.
Original link is here.
Monday, August 29, 2005
I'm a hypocrite
OK, I admit it. Passed a dead opossum on the way home, just stared at the bits and pieces in morbid fascination. Where were the tears for this victim? Yeah, I'm a hypocrite, what can I say?
I'm trying to grow here, people.
I'm trying to grow here, people.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
A few key facts from America's Environmental Report Card
- The United States, with less than 5% of the world's population, consumes 25% of the earth's energy resources, mostly fossil fuels.
- The amount of solid waste each American generated each day increased by 70% between 1960 and 2000, from 2.7 pounds per person to 4.5 pounds per person.
- Americans generate about twice the amount (of solid waste) per capita generated by other industrialized countries such as Germany, France, or Japan.
- The amount of solid waste each American generated each day increased by 70% between 1960 and 2000, from 2.7 pounds per person to 4.5 pounds per person.
- Americans generate about twice the amount (of solid waste) per capita generated by other industrialized countries such as Germany, France, or Japan.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Recommended reading
America's Environmental Report Card (Are we making the grade?) by Harvey Blatt. Available within the Gwinnett Library system (not sure about the rest of ya'll).
Friday, August 26, 2005
Sustainable C-rella Project
I've started to recycle a lot more stuff now that I am on this sustainable kick. I am fortunate enough to have a recycling service pickup as part of my trash service, which I really appreciate. I had always recycled the obvious things like bottles, aluminum cans, and newspapers, but once I started looking I realized that a lot of the containers used to provide other products are also recyclable! So, now I always look all over the container to see if I see the Reduce, Reuse, Recycle logo. I'm going to have to look into whether it is mandated it be printed on anything recyclable or whether it is up to the company that makes the product whether or not they put the logo on there. There have been a couple of things I didn't find the logo on that I suspect to be recyclable.... More to come as I get more info.
Between recycling more things and composting stuff, I think I could probably reduce my "solid waste" output by quite a lot!
Maybe I'll do an experiment where one week I'll keep track of the overall volumes of everything I used to throw away but now reuse for comparison. I could have a "composting" bag and a "recycling" bag and then track those volumes along with the "solid waste" volume, while removing from the equation anything that I've always known to recycle.
Between recycling more things and composting stuff, I think I could probably reduce my "solid waste" output by quite a lot!
Maybe I'll do an experiment where one week I'll keep track of the overall volumes of everything I used to throw away but now reuse for comparison. I could have a "composting" bag and a "recycling" bag and then track those volumes along with the "solid waste" volume, while removing from the equation anything that I've always known to recycle.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
This weekend, assembly of the compost bin
Did you know that cotton, vegetables, paper, and bunches of other stuff can be composted and converted into mulch? I checked a great book out from the library that gives all the details. There's also a web page with instructions on converting a trash can into a composting bin.
Interesting facts
Thanks http://library.thinkquest.org/11353/facts.htm
o If just 25% of U.S. families used 10 fewer plastic bags a month, we would save over 2.5 BILLION bags a year.
o On the average, the 140 million cars in America are estimated to travel almost 4 billion miles in a day, and according to the Department of Transportation, they use over 200 million gallons of gasoline doing it.
o Every year we throw away 24 million tons of leaves and grass. Leaves alone account for 75% of our solid waste in the fall.
o Over 100 pesticide ingredients are suspected to cause birth defects, cancer, and gene mutations.
o Every ton of recycled office paper saves 380 gallons of oil.
o About 1% of U.S. landfill space is full of disposable diapers, which take 500 years to decompose.
o Energy saved from one recycled aluminum can will operate a TV set for 3 hours, and is the equivalent to half a can of gasoline.
o Glass produced from recycled glass instead of raw materials reduces related air pollution by 20%, and water pollution by 50%.
o Americans use 50 million tons of paper annually -- consuming more than 850 million trees.
o Homeowners use up to 10 times more toxic chemicals per acre than farmers.
o By turning down your central heating thermostat one degree, fuel consumption is cut by as much as 10%.
o Insulating your attic reduces the amount of energy loss in most houses by up to 20%.
o Enough glass was thrown away in 1990 to fill the Twin Towers (1,350 feet high) of New York's World Trade Center every two weeks.
o One ton of carbon dioxide that is released in the air can be prevented by replacing every 75 watt light bulbs with energy efficient bulbs.
o Many banks lent large sums of money to developing nations. In order to pay those debts plus interest many nations have turned to the mining of their natural resources as a source of financial aid.
o Every day 40,000 children die from preventable diseases.
o The public transportation that we have is a wreck. The U.S. continues to promote and invest in private car travel rather than public transportation.
o The human population of the world is expected to be nearly tripled by the year 2100.
o A three percent annual growth rate will result in the doubling of consumption and production of food and other products in 25 short years. The amount of motor vehicles that are expected to be operated will increase 15 million a year until at least 2010.
o The world's per capita grain production has been on the downfall since 1985 despite the use of fertilizers and pesticides.
o Already a train system has been developed (back in 1987) which is based on magnetic levitation and causes minimal pollution. These versions of a train are already in use in several countries.
o Fibre optics, made of glass, are being used to replace copper cables throughout the world.
o The uncontrolled fishing that is allowed has reduced the amount of commercial species. Some species, up to one-tenth of their original population.
o Every day 50 to 100 species of plants and animals become extinct as their habitat and human influences destroy them.
o If just 25% of U.S. families used 10 fewer plastic bags a month, we would save over 2.5 BILLION bags a year.
o On the average, the 140 million cars in America are estimated to travel almost 4 billion miles in a day, and according to the Department of Transportation, they use over 200 million gallons of gasoline doing it.
o Every year we throw away 24 million tons of leaves and grass. Leaves alone account for 75% of our solid waste in the fall.
o Over 100 pesticide ingredients are suspected to cause birth defects, cancer, and gene mutations.
o Every ton of recycled office paper saves 380 gallons of oil.
o About 1% of U.S. landfill space is full of disposable diapers, which take 500 years to decompose.
o Energy saved from one recycled aluminum can will operate a TV set for 3 hours, and is the equivalent to half a can of gasoline.
o Glass produced from recycled glass instead of raw materials reduces related air pollution by 20%, and water pollution by 50%.
o Americans use 50 million tons of paper annually -- consuming more than 850 million trees.
o Homeowners use up to 10 times more toxic chemicals per acre than farmers.
o By turning down your central heating thermostat one degree, fuel consumption is cut by as much as 10%.
o Insulating your attic reduces the amount of energy loss in most houses by up to 20%.
o Enough glass was thrown away in 1990 to fill the Twin Towers (1,350 feet high) of New York's World Trade Center every two weeks.
o One ton of carbon dioxide that is released in the air can be prevented by replacing every 75 watt light bulbs with energy efficient bulbs.
o Many banks lent large sums of money to developing nations. In order to pay those debts plus interest many nations have turned to the mining of their natural resources as a source of financial aid.
o Every day 40,000 children die from preventable diseases.
o The public transportation that we have is a wreck. The U.S. continues to promote and invest in private car travel rather than public transportation.
o The human population of the world is expected to be nearly tripled by the year 2100.
o A three percent annual growth rate will result in the doubling of consumption and production of food and other products in 25 short years. The amount of motor vehicles that are expected to be operated will increase 15 million a year until at least 2010.
o The world's per capita grain production has been on the downfall since 1985 despite the use of fertilizers and pesticides.
o Already a train system has been developed (back in 1987) which is based on magnetic levitation and causes minimal pollution. These versions of a train are already in use in several countries.
o Fibre optics, made of glass, are being used to replace copper cables throughout the world.
o The uncontrolled fishing that is allowed has reduced the amount of commercial species. Some species, up to one-tenth of their original population.
o Every day 50 to 100 species of plants and animals become extinct as their habitat and human influences destroy them.
...
And, by the way, what's up with my consistent use of the ellipsis in my blog titles? Like you didn't know there was any more to read without it "..."?! Ew.
Sorry to do this...
Well, I'm sorry to do this. I wasn't going to, because unlike some people (a.k.a. Butt Munch), I was going to be woman enough to leave my blog open to everyone's comments, including cowardly crappy ones. But, since someone (BM?) has since elected to add a bunch of fake comment posts to my blog with links to shit that I don't feel it necessary to expose everyone to (and god knows, they are probably web viruses anyway - I deleted them or took out the links), I am making my blog so that it will no longer accept anonymous comments.
08-25 7:55 pm
UPDATE: I think that the comment I had previously on my "Dear Anonymous" post about sending me the information of their blog was causing me to be picked up for every spam comment post with a link. Therefore, in an experiment, I am making it so that anyone can comment again to see if my removal of said comment, resolves the issue (though I suppose I must concede that it won't prevent right wing asshole fundamentalist Christians that don't believe in freedom of speech from commenting on my blog).
And, last note---
Dear BM (hope you don't mind if I assign you an endearing nickname),
Don't like it? Don't read it.
Thanks. Have a nice day. And, oh yeah. Bite me.
C-rella
08-25 7:55 pm
UPDATE: I think that the comment I had previously on my "Dear Anonymous" post about sending me the information of their blog was causing me to be picked up for every spam comment post with a link. Therefore, in an experiment, I am making it so that anyone can comment again to see if my removal of said comment, resolves the issue (though I suppose I must concede that it won't prevent right wing asshole fundamentalist Christians that don't believe in freedom of speech from commenting on my blog).
And, last note---
Dear BM (hope you don't mind if I assign you an endearing nickname),
Don't like it? Don't read it.
Thanks. Have a nice day. And, oh yeah. Bite me.
C-rella
Dear Anonymous
Dear Anonymous (a.k.a. Butt Munch),
Thanks for all your nasty comments! I really appreciate the way you try to totally denigrate everything I've had to say. Now let me take a moment on your education. I know, I know, I shouldn't waste my time trying to educate someone that isn't really smart enough to "get it," but let's face it, I'm an optimist. Here's the facts: if your opinions had one leg to stand on, you would back up all your crappy smack talk with your name or email address.
I often think that the true incarnation of the evil in this world is all the hatred people are filled with. You are obviously just another incarnation. I pity you. I hope you forgive yourself. More importantly, I hope you forgive whoever you think "did this to you" since you are almost certainly an "I'm a victim of others" personality type (I'm a huge failure and it's all someone else's fault, really... !!! Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that.).
And, you to have so woefully misinterpreted so much of what I have said, its obvious you don't know me.
Therefore, bite me.
Have a nice day!
C-Rella
P.S. If you ever decide you have something meaningful to say (instead of just parading your cowardice by remaining anonymous and shitting all over other people) I recommend you set up your very own blog. Its free, you know. Sort of like "free speech."
Thanks for all your nasty comments! I really appreciate the way you try to totally denigrate everything I've had to say. Now let me take a moment on your education. I know, I know, I shouldn't waste my time trying to educate someone that isn't really smart enough to "get it," but let's face it, I'm an optimist. Here's the facts: if your opinions had one leg to stand on, you would back up all your crappy smack talk with your name or email address.
I often think that the true incarnation of the evil in this world is all the hatred people are filled with. You are obviously just another incarnation. I pity you. I hope you forgive yourself. More importantly, I hope you forgive whoever you think "did this to you" since you are almost certainly an "I'm a victim of others" personality type (I'm a huge failure and it's all someone else's fault, really... !!! Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that.).
And, you to have so woefully misinterpreted so much of what I have said, its obvious you don't know me.
Therefore, bite me.
Have a nice day!
C-Rella
P.S. If you ever decide you have something meaningful to say (instead of just parading your cowardice by remaining anonymous and shitting all over other people) I recommend you set up your very own blog. Its free, you know. Sort of like "free speech."
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
I question the professionalism of...
I question the professionalism (and sanity) of anyone that uses the phrase "yippee kay yo kay yay" (spell how you will - you know what I mean) on a conference call. This is the administrator with one of my clients, stated not once, but twice (!) on a conference call with 10-20 people, including their client and multiple vendors. WTF is she thinking?!
Monday, August 22, 2005
More victims...
Three raccoons. They didn't all go together, either, which makes it sadder to me, a heavier rock in my stomach. One was on one side of the street, the other two were on the other, closer together. Were they waiting and looking for each other when the first didn't make it? Logically I know I must be attributing too much, but how do you explain the three? Far enough apart that no one car could have done it? This is how my mind works.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Friday, August 19, 2005
I saw God tonight
I saw God tonight.
This was not the zealous southern Baptist's ("you're going straight to hell if you're not one of us") God. Not the Catholic circle of guilt and forgiveness for any crazy ass thing God. Not even the laid back "I don't know what I am, but Buddhism seems cool" god (I'm sorry, but no way is that godzilla cockroach that flies a reincarnation of my great great aunt Mathilda).
This was MY god.
In the form of the most breathtaking and majestic sunset and sky I have ever seen.
This was not the zealous southern Baptist's ("you're going straight to hell if you're not one of us") God. Not the Catholic circle of guilt and forgiveness for any crazy ass thing God. Not even the laid back "I don't know what I am, but Buddhism seems cool" god (I'm sorry, but no way is that godzilla cockroach that flies a reincarnation of my great great aunt Mathilda).
This was MY god.
In the form of the most breathtaking and majestic sunset and sky I have ever seen.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Hmmm...
Do you think it would be better to switch to Germ-X and just cease "washing" hands and use Germ-X instead? This seems a little yucky to me at first thought, but my aunt-in-law nurse said these products do work to kill germs and are used in hospitals. Making this change would do three things, where my little hand towel only does one of them... Using Germ-X (or brand X of it) instead of washing hands would:
1) reduce water consumption, and energy to push the water
2) reduce contaminants going into the sewers (soaps)
3) reduce waste of paper towels to dry hands
I am not sure if I am quite there yet, will have to mull this one a bit more. Maybe alternate washing and Germ-Xing... Or something...
1) reduce water consumption, and energy to push the water
2) reduce contaminants going into the sewers (soaps)
3) reduce waste of paper towels to dry hands
I am not sure if I am quite there yet, will have to mull this one a bit more. Maybe alternate washing and Germ-Xing... Or something...
Sustainable C-rella Project Day 1
Thanks to sustainable girl and my husband for finding and sending me her website for this one.
Brought a small towel in to work today and will be doing so going forward, to use to dry my hands in the bathroom instead of the wasteful paper towels.
I also have a couple of "ambiance" lighting items on my desk that are just, well, sadly, an energy sap. Turned them off and will probably be bringing them home and donating or selling them since they are purposeless except to use energy. Why resell or redistribute the energy sap instead of destroying it? Well, other folks are sure to continue to consume such things whether I choose to participate in it or not, and it's better for me to try to recycle them than to send them off to the pile of garbage at the landfill - they're not going to just disappear, they'll still exist somewhere, so someone (else) might as well enjoy them. Torn on this, but there is no "good" answer, if only I had never purchased them to begin with.
But, if we begin at all it is better than never beginning! So, I begin today. Welcome to the future!
Brought a small towel in to work today and will be doing so going forward, to use to dry my hands in the bathroom instead of the wasteful paper towels.
I also have a couple of "ambiance" lighting items on my desk that are just, well, sadly, an energy sap. Turned them off and will probably be bringing them home and donating or selling them since they are purposeless except to use energy. Why resell or redistribute the energy sap instead of destroying it? Well, other folks are sure to continue to consume such things whether I choose to participate in it or not, and it's better for me to try to recycle them than to send them off to the pile of garbage at the landfill - they're not going to just disappear, they'll still exist somewhere, so someone (else) might as well enjoy them. Torn on this, but there is no "good" answer, if only I had never purchased them to begin with.
But, if we begin at all it is better than never beginning! So, I begin today. Welcome to the future!
Monday, August 15, 2005
Irony
Does anyone else find it ironic that Toyota chose to name their biggest and most environmentally unfriendly vehicle after an endangered species of tree (Sequoia)?!
Leaf turned over this week: Work to become more overarchingly environmentally friendly (not just the things that are convenient for me to adopt). I encourage everyone to turn this leaf over.
Leaf turned over this week: Work to become more overarchingly environmentally friendly (not just the things that are convenient for me to adopt). I encourage everyone to turn this leaf over.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Myopia
It is sad to me to see how we all end up being our own 20 or 30 somethings with the same sad myopia tunnel vision of what our parents did to shape us. I always said that, no matter what, they wouldn't be the basis of who I am, who I was, or what I will be, and yet I look around and see we are all, inevitably, linked to this sad and damaging experience that was our youth, and (mostly by default) was our parenting and upbringing. I would like to think we move beyond, that we move above and can separate ourselves, but even as I hope for and want to believe in these things, I continue to circle back to the disappointments and damages of my childhood. Those people are gone now, though my father lives on, the being and person that he was in my youth exists no more (what I didn't realize is that his personality was being damaged then too, a self-fulfilling circle of negativity all in the family). My mother is gone. I have no recourse, and truly, I want no recourse. I am stuck like a damaged record in the negative groove of memory that was my childhood. How to release it? How to release myself? Remembrance does not allow forgiveness. Forgetfulness I have tried. Where do the ties break? I want to own these things, if only so that I can take them into the darkness of my heart and then find a way to let them go.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Deal
Quote from my friend and coworker Fabienne's signature tagline on email...
"The measure of our future success and happiness will not be the quality of the cards we are dealt by unseen hands, but the poise and wisdom with which we play them. Choose to play each hand to the best of your ability without wasting the time or energy it takes to complain about either the cards or the dealer or the often unfair rules of the game. Play both the winning and the losing hands as best you can, then fold the cards and ante up for the next deal!"
"The measure of our future success and happiness will not be the quality of the cards we are dealt by unseen hands, but the poise and wisdom with which we play them. Choose to play each hand to the best of your ability without wasting the time or energy it takes to complain about either the cards or the dealer or the often unfair rules of the game. Play both the winning and the losing hands as best you can, then fold the cards and ante up for the next deal!"
Death of an innocent
Not sure I can write about this, but I need to. I need to acknowledge it and share this hurt, send it out into the world and see if there are any ripples.
Sitting in traffic this morning I saw a small dead animal in the middle of the road. I am a person that becomes deeply distraught when I think too long about the plight of the only true innocents on our planet, the animals, and their suffering at man's hand, so typically the moment that my brain acknowledges that what I see is an animal I look away... If I look elsewhere I won't think about it, if I won't think about it I won't have to deal with it, if I don't have to deal with it then I won't have to do anything about it. But today I could not look away, I stared. I thought at first it was a tiny red fox. As I looked longer into the face and and at the shape of this tiny victim, I realized that it was a very small fawn. Looking down its body and seeing the fragile spindle legs and tiny hooves shocked my mind into recognition.
I almost break down thinking of it. I wondered how it had gotten there, what had happened to its mother. As I thought more I realized that the week before I had noticed an adult deer that had been killed in the same area, its body laying off toward the woods on the side of the road, but unmistakably deceased. I wonder if this tiny fawn was its offspring, staying near its mother until finally, confused and starving, it wandered into the road to be killed.
Sweet sad little life, my heart breaks for you.
<<< 7:10 pm >>>
Driving home I struggle to keep my mind from focusing on where the tragedy happened. Eyes betray me in finding the small, snowy untainted flash of white on this tainted day.
I raise my hand to block the sight and recognize my unwilling tragic salute...
and whisper insufficient prayer for forgiveness of mankind, "one still mourns..."
Sitting in traffic this morning I saw a small dead animal in the middle of the road. I am a person that becomes deeply distraught when I think too long about the plight of the only true innocents on our planet, the animals, and their suffering at man's hand, so typically the moment that my brain acknowledges that what I see is an animal I look away... If I look elsewhere I won't think about it, if I won't think about it I won't have to deal with it, if I don't have to deal with it then I won't have to do anything about it. But today I could not look away, I stared. I thought at first it was a tiny red fox. As I looked longer into the face and and at the shape of this tiny victim, I realized that it was a very small fawn. Looking down its body and seeing the fragile spindle legs and tiny hooves shocked my mind into recognition.
I almost break down thinking of it. I wondered how it had gotten there, what had happened to its mother. As I thought more I realized that the week before I had noticed an adult deer that had been killed in the same area, its body laying off toward the woods on the side of the road, but unmistakably deceased. I wonder if this tiny fawn was its offspring, staying near its mother until finally, confused and starving, it wandered into the road to be killed.
Sweet sad little life, my heart breaks for you.
<<< 7:10 pm >>>
Driving home I struggle to keep my mind from focusing on where the tragedy happened. Eyes betray me in finding the small, snowy untainted flash of white on this tainted day.
I raise my hand to block the sight and recognize my unwilling tragic salute...
and whisper insufficient prayer for forgiveness of mankind, "one still mourns..."
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Our Amazing Race to submit our Amazing Race application!
More to come this evening... But, at the very last possible moment, WE DID IT! Applications had to be received today (07/26) by 5 pm, our Fed Ex package went out last night, at the very last available Fed Ex dropoff, the place closed at 8:15 pm, we arrived at 8:05.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Cellar°y
We ate at a good restaurant last night, I enjoyed the food and the company, but the prices and the restaurant attitude (for lack of a better word, ambiance doesn't quite get it) were full of themselves to the point of being amusingly silly.
So, if I had an overpriced pretentious little restaurant like Watershed, I would call it Cellar°y. And, instead of having the claim to fame that everything is cooked in butter and heavy cream (even the burgers, ridiculous!), mine would have the claim to fame that everything would be cooked in olive oil and other light natural ingredients. And, of course, it would have a great selection of wines, including a bunch available on the cheap.
But, as my killjoy spouse likes to say "it takes more than a great idea to open a restaurant." Feel the love here? Thanks, babe.
{{{Amendment 07/25/05 9:05 am --- OK, I may have been a bit harsh, it has been a while since John and I have left Gwinnett for sustenance, so I think my view of prices and attitudes may be tainted by ongoing exposure to only common OTP suburban folk [which I myself am], forgetting the attitudes and pretentiousness that are simply part of the "In" ITP Atlantan landscape}}}
So, if I had an overpriced pretentious little restaurant like Watershed, I would call it Cellar°y. And, instead of having the claim to fame that everything is cooked in butter and heavy cream (even the burgers, ridiculous!), mine would have the claim to fame that everything would be cooked in olive oil and other light natural ingredients. And, of course, it would have a great selection of wines, including a bunch available on the cheap.
But, as my killjoy spouse likes to say "it takes more than a great idea to open a restaurant." Feel the love here? Thanks, babe.
{{{Amendment 07/25/05 9:05 am --- OK, I may have been a bit harsh, it has been a while since John and I have left Gwinnett for sustenance, so I think my view of prices and attitudes may be tainted by ongoing exposure to only common OTP suburban folk [which I myself am], forgetting the attitudes and pretentiousness that are simply part of the "In" ITP Atlantan landscape}}}
I am digging on Damien Rice
Damien Rice, The Hornblower's Daughter lyrics:
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Friday, July 15, 2005
It's official, I'm a dumb ass.
OK, so here I am puzzling over this recipe in the South Beach Diet (while prepping other food in between) over the course of the last hour. I read and reread (and reread) the recipe and finally come up here and start searching for it online, because I am SURE that it is missing a key piece of information, like OVEN TEMPERATURE! I could guess, but heck, it could be pretty darn important.
<<<<< Light dawns... >>>>>
Recipe is for "Broiled Flank Steak." That means "Broiled." For those of you who are equally oven-illiterate... There is only one temperature on that round thing in the middle that says "Broil."
Yes, I know the broiler is the part at the bottom, OK?!
Doi.
<<<<< Light dawns... >>>>>
Recipe is for "Broiled Flank Steak." That means "Broiled." For those of you who are equally oven-illiterate... There is only one temperature on that round thing in the middle that says "Broil."
Yes, I know the broiler is the part at the bottom, OK?!
Doi.
Spurlock's 30 Days
Spurlock's next big thing, 30 days, is pretty good. A tongue in cheek and condescending look at "poco profundo" Americans (the spanish word for shallow is so much more telling) outside their narrow little comfort zones. Makes you think, though, which is more than I can say for most TV.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
South Beach Diet info moved
I was sick of cluttering up my general BLOG with info about my pathetic diet. If you want to keep tabs on me... And lord knows somebody probably should... Go to
http://c-rella1.blogspot.com/, or click the new link in the right toolbar.
http://c-rella1.blogspot.com/, or click the new link in the right toolbar.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Terrorists suck.
Yesterday morning when I woke up, the morning after the terror attacks on London, I had this moment about half way through my morning routine when I realized that the world could be in chaos and I wouldn't even know. I hadn't been listening to the radio. There are no TVs upstairs, so no TV in the background. I had this sudden mini panic attack of 'Oh my god, what if bombs have gone off at 50 other places since the last time I was paying attention?!'
I feel for all the lives lost and I am filled with sorrow for those innocent lives and all the surrounding lives impacted by these ruthless acts.
I think the worst impact is robbing all of us (British included, now) of our security. There was a time when it was safe to sleep through the night. When people felt they could tune in to music instead of news radio in the mornings. When we could all sleepwalk onto our trains, our buses, our airplanes, under the hypnotic spell that was the myth of our security, that is no more.
Is the time is coming for us all to shake off the sleepy head of egocentric apathy and unite toward a common resolve? Personally I think being in Iraq is stupid and pointless, and failing to accomplish anything except to reinforce negativity about the U.S. There must be some better and united direction to go to, rather than everyone existing on their own island of humanity, I do believe we must find it. We are compelled to find it.
I am no politico. I do not care to be. I will, however, unite and fight (figuratively - literally, to struggle, work, leave my comfort zones and make efforts in some way) to regain my sense of security.
Terrorists suck.
I feel for all the lives lost and I am filled with sorrow for those innocent lives and all the surrounding lives impacted by these ruthless acts.
I think the worst impact is robbing all of us (British included, now) of our security. There was a time when it was safe to sleep through the night. When people felt they could tune in to music instead of news radio in the mornings. When we could all sleepwalk onto our trains, our buses, our airplanes, under the hypnotic spell that was the myth of our security, that is no more.
Is the time is coming for us all to shake off the sleepy head of egocentric apathy and unite toward a common resolve? Personally I think being in Iraq is stupid and pointless, and failing to accomplish anything except to reinforce negativity about the U.S. There must be some better and united direction to go to, rather than everyone existing on their own island of humanity, I do believe we must find it. We are compelled to find it.
I am no politico. I do not care to be. I will, however, unite and fight (figuratively - literally, to struggle, work, leave my comfort zones and make efforts in some way) to regain my sense of security.
Terrorists suck.
I want to be on the Amazing Race
3 minute video required, I think John's willing to apply... Suggestions anyone? Serious tactic, humourous tactic, drama tactic? No tactic, just boring selves?
Heathen addendum
I went back and finished reading my sis' article and have to say that it was very well written and thoughtful, and worth reading if you haven't already. We heathens can be a bit off-put initially by the immediate Jesus references, but this one is right on the money. 'Nuff said.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
So I'm a heathen... So ?!
My lovely Christian sister (side note.... wasn't that an 80's rock band?) writes articles for the editorial section of the Wilson County News. You can check them out by clicking the link in the right bar of my blog, going into the Editorial section and looking for articles by Julie Smith.
So, her most recent article is titled "‘What would Jesus do’ today?." I'll be honest and admit I didn't finish reading, not only am I a heathen but I'm a political apathist. Feel free to comment on my worthlessness at will.
Anyway, it just made me laugh, because John (husband and atheist) and I recently laughed our asses off when I said I'd have to get one of those "WWJD" bracelets, except for me it would mean "What Would John Do?" ! Ha! Funny, right? RIGHT? Come on. Sympathy laugh or something here.
- The heathen.
So, her most recent article is titled "‘What would Jesus do’ today?." I'll be honest and admit I didn't finish reading, not only am I a heathen but I'm a political apathist. Feel free to comment on my worthlessness at will.
Anyway, it just made me laugh, because John (husband and atheist) and I recently laughed our asses off when I said I'd have to get one of those "WWJD" bracelets, except for me it would mean "What Would John Do?" ! Ha! Funny, right? RIGHT? Come on. Sympathy laugh or something here.
- The heathen.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
I won't call it a wasted day...
In my recent quest for hobbies I stumbled across an Atlanta book club (http://bookclub.meetup.com/82/ <---- FIXED NOW, that's what I get for copying the code!) and wound up spending today reading Anne Tyler's "The Accidental Tourist." [[[If I could remember more of my English coursework from college I would put those references in the appropriate font types, but let's face it, its just too dam much work to research for too little reward]]].
I had seen and loved the movie several years ago, but you just can't do in film what you can on paper... Cases in point, a couple of excerpts that struck me:
"Gazing out of the window, he all at once recalled Ethan as an infant. Ethan used to cry unless he was tightly wrapped in a blanket; the pediatrician had explained that new babies have a fear of flying apart. Macon had not been able to imagine that at the time, but now he had no trouble. He could picture himself separating, falling into pieces, his head floating away with terrifying swiftness in the eerie green air of Alberta."
And, a conversation with a stranger about reuniting with your spouse after a separation, and floating through the relationship, still not connecting - "times I feel we're just hanging in there":
" 'Like someone who's suffered a loss in a war,' she said, 'and then forever afterward she has to go on supporting the war; she has to support it louder than anyone else, because otherwise she'd be admitting the loss was for no purpose.' "
I had seen and loved the movie several years ago, but you just can't do in film what you can on paper... Cases in point, a couple of excerpts that struck me:
"Gazing out of the window, he all at once recalled Ethan as an infant. Ethan used to cry unless he was tightly wrapped in a blanket; the pediatrician had explained that new babies have a fear of flying apart. Macon had not been able to imagine that at the time, but now he had no trouble. He could picture himself separating, falling into pieces, his head floating away with terrifying swiftness in the eerie green air of Alberta."
And, a conversation with a stranger about reuniting with your spouse after a separation, and floating through the relationship, still not connecting - "times I feel we're just hanging in there":
" 'Like someone who's suffered a loss in a war,' she said, 'and then forever afterward she has to go on supporting the war; she has to support it louder than anyone else, because otherwise she'd be admitting the loss was for no purpose.' "
Thursday, June 30, 2005
BTK and ghosts
I always wanted to ignore them. If I pretended hard enough, then they just wouldn't exist.
My friend Pablo ( kungfuonline) recently linked to an article from the NY Times about the residences that the BTK killer hit, and their current inhabitants. All very creepy and generally deeply disturbing.
What I wonder is, is the idea of the ghosts frightening, or the reality of them? They are here, in the brand new (clearly no hauntings here) home I occupy, in the edges of vision and things you don't quite see. They exist in the places where the sun spots are, the bright echos of things you have seen and know to be true. They have been with me since my surgery earlier this year, though they frighten me. They exist in the in-betweens. Rub your eyes and there you see them, in the negative. I deny them, to no avail. As I turn. As I descend the stair. They overlook me, yet they look over me.
This, at least to me, is more frightening than any of the BTKs that exist in the solidity of this world we are sharing. If only I could hear them. Thank God I don't hear them.
What can I do? Only wait for them to dissipate.
Beginnings of my novel... Combined bits of prose and wild imagination.
I have seen them.
My friend Pablo ( kungfuonline) recently linked to an article from the NY Times about the residences that the BTK killer hit, and their current inhabitants. All very creepy and generally deeply disturbing.
What I wonder is, is the idea of the ghosts frightening, or the reality of them? They are here, in the brand new (clearly no hauntings here) home I occupy, in the edges of vision and things you don't quite see. They exist in the places where the sun spots are, the bright echos of things you have seen and know to be true. They have been with me since my surgery earlier this year, though they frighten me. They exist in the in-betweens. Rub your eyes and there you see them, in the negative. I deny them, to no avail. As I turn. As I descend the stair. They overlook me, yet they look over me.
This, at least to me, is more frightening than any of the BTKs that exist in the solidity of this world we are sharing. If only I could hear them. Thank God I don't hear them.
What can I do? Only wait for them to dissipate.
Beginnings of my novel... Combined bits of prose and wild imagination.
I have seen them.
Snakes and dead mothers... What would Freud say?
I never remember my dreams. Supposedly you dream every night, assuming you are getting your REM sleep and not waking up 20 times a minute from sleep apnea or something crazy like that, right? I remember my dream from last night.
So, what does it mean when you dream that you are standing outside the garage of your childhood home talking to your dead mother (garage door open) when a snake that you originally think is harmless (black with a wide lengthwise brown stripe) flares its cobra head and mom then directs you to kill it, which you try to do with a ridiculously large kitchen knife (2' long blade??? Ginsu doesn't cover this bad boy) you grab from the adjacent childhood kitchen as the snake is slithering behind stacks of boxes and other stuff and you can't see it, you just keep hearing it circling the room as you stab through the clutter to try to kill it...?
Where does this shi come from?
So, what does it mean when you dream that you are standing outside the garage of your childhood home talking to your dead mother (garage door open) when a snake that you originally think is harmless (black with a wide lengthwise brown stripe) flares its cobra head and mom then directs you to kill it, which you try to do with a ridiculously large kitchen knife (2' long blade??? Ginsu doesn't cover this bad boy) you grab from the adjacent childhood kitchen as the snake is slithering behind stacks of boxes and other stuff and you can't see it, you just keep hearing it circling the room as you stab through the clutter to try to kill it...?
Where does this shi come from?
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Recliner people
My parents were recliner people. You know the type, they must be quasi anti social by nature, their living rooms populated primarily by the island-like self-serving recliners that define their limited frames of existence. Recliner people, by their nature, are not a social people, they may seek one or two of their own to belay the inevitable loneliness that is their existence.
These were my early surroundings.
Am I now the recliner person, distant judge and untouchable, unreachable, self-absorbed person?
Random thoughts this random night.
I miss them, the recliner people, though they never needed me. I wish for my own lonely (independent! self sufficient!... ultimately, self indulgent) recliner occasionally.
These were my early surroundings.
Am I now the recliner person, distant judge and untouchable, unreachable, self-absorbed person?
Random thoughts this random night.
I miss them, the recliner people, though they never needed me. I wish for my own lonely (independent! self sufficient!... ultimately, self indulgent) recliner occasionally.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Stages II
When you died
I clung to all the material things
that had surrounded you
possessions and fabrics...
sweaters and pillows
Your too-small jacket clutched close
for comfort against the bitter cold
and hurt of your absence
all these things that carried the only thing
that remained on this earth of you
other than the frail human memories---
your brief escaping scent
I tried so hard to save
and breath in closer and deeper
holding it, clinging to it
trying to hold you so close
until I thought my heart would burst
You were ripped so quickly from me
and now years later the tear in my life
still burns under the salted tears
that seem to have no end
the faded scent now gone
my frail human memory will never
fill the gaping painful empty space
that is all that remains
I clung to all the material things
that had surrounded you
possessions and fabrics...
sweaters and pillows
Your too-small jacket clutched close
for comfort against the bitter cold
and hurt of your absence
all these things that carried the only thing
that remained on this earth of you
other than the frail human memories---
your brief escaping scent
I tried so hard to save
and breath in closer and deeper
holding it, clinging to it
trying to hold you so close
until I thought my heart would burst
You were ripped so quickly from me
and now years later the tear in my life
still burns under the salted tears
that seem to have no end
the faded scent now gone
my frail human memory will never
fill the gaping painful empty space
that is all that remains
Friday, May 27, 2005
I loved Joan of Arcadia
You know, when I think about what to post here I still revert to this crazy high-school level analysis. What will anyone who reads it think? Will they think I'm crazy? Will I finally magically turn into that edgy forward-thinking punk chick I always dreamed of being... starting back in 87? Or will I just be showing my age, tipping everyone off to how out of touch and (for you Atlantans, you'll "get it") OTP I really am.
Y'know what? I am OTP. I am what I yam (Popeye flashbacks and all that). So what. Take me or leave me. Where is all this acceptance I keep yearning for anyway? Not like I ever had it, or have it to sustain. So screw it. I'm no blonde popular cheerleader, or even that anti-cheerleader I wanted to be, leading all the non-blondes to the revolt and revolution, anarchy and all those great 80's ideals.
On that note, I loved Joan of Arcadia. Maybe all you fabulous townies with your list of "things to do" missed out on this show, being that it was at 8pm on Fridays, but I loved it. Finally some great original programming that could actually entice me to tune in on Friday nights and it gets cancelled. WTF? Dam it all, I'm pissed.
Thats all.
Y'know what? I am OTP. I am what I yam (Popeye flashbacks and all that). So what. Take me or leave me. Where is all this acceptance I keep yearning for anyway? Not like I ever had it, or have it to sustain. So screw it. I'm no blonde popular cheerleader, or even that anti-cheerleader I wanted to be, leading all the non-blondes to the revolt and revolution, anarchy and all those great 80's ideals.
On that note, I loved Joan of Arcadia. Maybe all you fabulous townies with your list of "things to do" missed out on this show, being that it was at 8pm on Fridays, but I loved it. Finally some great original programming that could actually entice me to tune in on Friday nights and it gets cancelled. WTF? Dam it all, I'm pissed.
Thats all.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
I should have been a Catholic
I have so much guilt I should have been a Catholic.When I started out on this blogging adventure I thought that I had so much to say that surely I'd be posting frequent updates. But today's Tuesday and I haven't had one single interesting event or thought since last Thursday. Where is my mind? Ooh I just love The Pixies...
So here I am feeling guilty about not blogging, and I'm not exactly sure why. Its one of those things like being up at 2am snacking. You feel guilty about it, but why? Is there some God out there saying "NO! Don't finish that bag of chips you worthless slob!"? Does the spouse really care? Ultimately its just you and your conscience.
So here's a thought. Let me lay some backdrop about my basic belief system: I believe that in order to justify continuing to draw breath and take up space on this planet we should all strive to improve ourselves. It can be the tiniest thing, but improve. Be better to others. Be better to yourself. Learn. Listen. Still yourself in this ADD society and become what another person needs. Just for a moment!
So, you know what? I am going to be better to myself. I am going to LET GO of this guilt. Not all my guilt, mind you, I'm a realist. Just this guilt: This is MY blog. I started it for ME. I am not going to carry a pointless hurtful guilt monkey on my back about this one thing. There.
Deep breath, in with the good, out with the bad. Bye bye guilt.
So, maybe you'll hear from me later tonight, maybe next month. Take the time in between, be better to yourself too.
So here I am feeling guilty about not blogging, and I'm not exactly sure why. Its one of those things like being up at 2am snacking. You feel guilty about it, but why? Is there some God out there saying "NO! Don't finish that bag of chips you worthless slob!"? Does the spouse really care? Ultimately its just you and your conscience.
So here's a thought. Let me lay some backdrop about my basic belief system: I believe that in order to justify continuing to draw breath and take up space on this planet we should all strive to improve ourselves. It can be the tiniest thing, but improve. Be better to others. Be better to yourself. Learn. Listen. Still yourself in this ADD society and become what another person needs. Just for a moment!
So, you know what? I am going to be better to myself. I am going to LET GO of this guilt. Not all my guilt, mind you, I'm a realist. Just this guilt: This is MY blog. I started it for ME. I am not going to carry a pointless hurtful guilt monkey on my back about this one thing. There.
Deep breath, in with the good, out with the bad. Bye bye guilt.
So, maybe you'll hear from me later tonight, maybe next month. Take the time in between, be better to yourself too.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Stages of grief
I can't remember how long its been since my mom died. Four years? Five? I started writing this entry and realized I really didn't know, which made me go on a hunt for the "program" from the services we held for her, which led me to realize that I can't find it. Now I'm sitting here swamped with guilt about this. I'm not sure what I feel worse about, not remembering the exact day (though the horrifying moments stay in my heart and feel like I am jostling a jagged shard of glass in my chest when I think of it) or losing the program. This is what its come to, clinging to meaningless scraps of paper that represent the human existance that was my mother.
My heart is hurting now so I have to stop this for a bit and step away, back to my safety mechanism, don't look at the darkness for too long.... I fear it is not the light that I will go to when I pass, times I have seen the dark places and they have called to me.
I came here to post up the words to follow. I wrote the first line knowing this is one of a series to come, stages of grief. This is the pissed off stage ("Anger").
Stages
More to come, as it comes out.
I have nothing but anger for you now
Damn you leaving me
my only inheritance
all the high hopes and expectations
impressed upon me
always the insufficient child of the two
I will never fulfill them
Where were your hopes for my potential?
those things that were my dreams, my capabilities?
the things we buried along the way
You with a sharp word
Me with repressed sighs and hateful thoughts
even I have forgotten them now
I remember all of your dreams
that I never completed
Damn you
all the dreams I never wanted
but of course I want them now
to please you
if only I ever could
learn it all and be your dream
a higher class pointed toe polished tongue princess
and not this insufficient slouched shoulder directionless child
that you left
I should have grown more
Damn you
My heart is hurting now so I have to stop this for a bit and step away, back to my safety mechanism, don't look at the darkness for too long.... I fear it is not the light that I will go to when I pass, times I have seen the dark places and they have called to me.
I came here to post up the words to follow. I wrote the first line knowing this is one of a series to come, stages of grief. This is the pissed off stage ("Anger").
Stages
More to come, as it comes out.
Damn you leaving me
my only inheritance
all the high hopes and expectations
impressed upon me
always the insufficient child of the two
I will never fulfill them
Where were your hopes for my potential?
those things that were my dreams, my capabilities?
the things we buried along the way
You with a sharp word
Me with repressed sighs and hateful thoughts
even I have forgotten them now
I remember all of your dreams
that I never completed
Damn you
all the dreams I never wanted
but of course I want them now
to please you
if only I ever could
learn it all and be your dream
a higher class pointed toe polished tongue princess
and not this insufficient slouched shoulder directionless child
that you left
I should have grown more
Damn you
Chillin to the music
I recently discovered that there are free music downloads on amazon.com. You just go to their webpage and select "music downloads" from the drop-down search options. My favorite downloads so far are "Sugar"- the Concretes and "The Shining" - Badly Drawn Boy.
Highly recommended... !
Highly recommended... !
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Wren Babies!
WILD WATCHERS by Donna Swanson
Out on the prairie where the wheat blows free
lives a red-tailed hawk
and his daring family.
They hunt for their supper
and they wait in the trees,
out on the prairie where the wheat blows free.
Down in the valley where the wild river runs,
lives a great horned owl
and her wide-eyed sons.
They hunt all day in the rabbity runs,
down in the valley where the wild river runs.
Here in my yard where the violets grow,
lives a tiny brown wren
who loves her babies so.
She watches for the hawk
and she watches for the owl,
here in my yard where the violets grow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Peeked in yesterday (scared off mommy) and saw WREN BABIES!
They're all beak.
Out on the prairie where the wheat blows free
lives a red-tailed hawk
and his daring family.
They hunt for their supper
and they wait in the trees,
out on the prairie where the wheat blows free.
Down in the valley where the wild river runs,
lives a great horned owl
and her wide-eyed sons.
They hunt all day in the rabbity runs,
down in the valley where the wild river runs.
Here in my yard where the violets grow,
lives a tiny brown wren
who loves her babies so.
She watches for the hawk
and she watches for the owl,
here in my yard where the violets grow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Peeked in yesterday (scared off mommy) and saw WREN BABIES!
They're all beak.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
I'm no mommy, dearest!
It seems that with any newly married couple the next question that comes up is "when are you guys going to have a baby?" It always surprises me that virtual strangers feel that it is perfectly OK to pry this deeply into something that I feel to be a very personal decision and also therefore deeply personal information. And yet, people do this every day with no qualms.
Here's my answer (and yes, Alex, it is my final answer) - I'm no mommy, dearest.
Yes, I always thought as a youngster that I would have the perfect house and the perfect family with 2.5 children. But then, at that age I also thought that there was a perfect job waiting for me and that I would be soooo happy in my adulthood eating cake or potato chips every night for dinner. I have since discovered that there is no perfect job. I enjoy consoling myself with the occasional potato chip or cake dinner.
The older I get the more set I am with this decision. Call it Generation X self-centeredness if you will, perhaps this is the root cause of this movement that John and I are a part of. We just cannot imagine voluntarily bringing the financial and personal disruption of a child into this life of ours. Call us hedonists if you will, but we are ENJOYING our independence! And we are not alone. Some of our closest friends have chosen to follow the same path (though I will not tag them with my selfish reason theory as the cause; their reasons are their own).
Dinners out like the one we enjoyed last night at Macaroni Grill only serve to confirm our decision. We could barely hold our conversation amidst the constant whining and bleating of several nearby children. I swear that some of the noises that come from children are of such a decibel and wavelength they could effectively be used to call Lassie home from another continent. Perhaps a "Tokyo Rose" style weapon in the war on terrorism. The repeated loop of "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" in an escalating pitch and note would surely drive some to lay down their weapons and run to hide in caves.
For some reason the decision and reasoning for not having children also seems to be one that everyone feels is up for open discussion. Parents always assume that you just don't have enough of an understanding of the joys of parenthood, and if you only could appreciate these joys you'd be out humping it up right away to produce those offspring. Believe it or not, all you parenthood preachers - I have had a couple of parents out there tell me they would have done it differently. Parenthood is not for everyone, and John and I have both decided, voluntarily, with no undue pressures one to the other, with no hesitation or concern, that it is not for us.
I'm no mommy, dearest, and I'm OK with that. I hope eventually everyone else comes to peace.
Here's my answer (and yes, Alex, it is my final answer) - I'm no mommy, dearest.
Yes, I always thought as a youngster that I would have the perfect house and the perfect family with 2.5 children. But then, at that age I also thought that there was a perfect job waiting for me and that I would be soooo happy in my adulthood eating cake or potato chips every night for dinner. I have since discovered that there is no perfect job. I enjoy consoling myself with the occasional potato chip or cake dinner.
The older I get the more set I am with this decision. Call it Generation X self-centeredness if you will, perhaps this is the root cause of this movement that John and I are a part of. We just cannot imagine voluntarily bringing the financial and personal disruption of a child into this life of ours. Call us hedonists if you will, but we are ENJOYING our independence! And we are not alone. Some of our closest friends have chosen to follow the same path (though I will not tag them with my selfish reason theory as the cause; their reasons are their own).
Dinners out like the one we enjoyed last night at Macaroni Grill only serve to confirm our decision. We could barely hold our conversation amidst the constant whining and bleating of several nearby children. I swear that some of the noises that come from children are of such a decibel and wavelength they could effectively be used to call Lassie home from another continent. Perhaps a "Tokyo Rose" style weapon in the war on terrorism. The repeated loop of "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" in an escalating pitch and note would surely drive some to lay down their weapons and run to hide in caves.
For some reason the decision and reasoning for not having children also seems to be one that everyone feels is up for open discussion. Parents always assume that you just don't have enough of an understanding of the joys of parenthood, and if you only could appreciate these joys you'd be out humping it up right away to produce those offspring. Believe it or not, all you parenthood preachers - I have had a couple of parents out there tell me they would have done it differently. Parenthood is not for everyone, and John and I have both decided, voluntarily, with no undue pressures one to the other, with no hesitation or concern, that it is not for us.
I'm no mommy, dearest, and I'm OK with that. I hope eventually everyone else comes to peace.
BLOG tip o the day
I feel like my BLOG is out here in a big cyberspace vaccum... A few thoughts posted and no "comments" from friends or family, except a couple received via email, outside of my new favorite BLOG format. So, just in case it could be a need for insight into the inner workings of the BLOG system (others out there may be part of the uninformed masses that I, myself, was a part of less than 2 weeks ago) here's my "BLOG tip o the day."
You can comment on any or all of my posts by clicking on the "0 Comments" link at the end of any of the posts. I figured out how to change the settings so that you don't have to have a Blogger account to comment. But please, don't be anonymous! That's the selection for the folks who can't stand behind what they're posting and I might elect to delete those comments on principle.
Note to Jules and others - yep, its publicly viewable by anyone that stumbles to the correct web address. (Hi to any of my new unknown web stalker fans!!!). I'm honestly not too worried about this because I don't consider my BLOG to be fascinating enough to inspire anyone to return unless they know me.
And, finally, note to Austin - HI!!! I can't wait to see you guys :) !!!
You can comment on any or all of my posts by clicking on the "0 Comments" link at the end of any of the posts. I figured out how to change the settings so that you don't have to have a Blogger account to comment. But please, don't be anonymous! That's the selection for the folks who can't stand behind what they're posting and I might elect to delete those comments on principle.
Note to Jules and others - yep, its publicly viewable by anyone that stumbles to the correct web address. (Hi to any of my new unknown web stalker fans!!!). I'm honestly not too worried about this because I don't consider my BLOG to be fascinating enough to inspire anyone to return unless they know me.
And, finally, note to Austin - HI!!! I can't wait to see you guys :) !!!
Friday, May 13, 2005
Thursday, May 12, 2005
How cool is this?
So how cool is this... We had this party about a month ago and in preparation I went out and bought a couple of those round pots filled with a mix of flowers that you buy for $12 at Home Depot. I put one of them on a plant stand at the top of the deck stairs and the other on the table (outdoor furniture - btw, Wal-Mart has surprisingly nice and inexpensive outdoor furniture!).
On to the point... Sitting next to the table the other day I see this little mass of (appears to be) clotted up leaves and pine needles. I start poking around and... out flies this bird! Teeny little thing, finally we figured out that it's a Carolina Wren, at least we think.
We wondered if I'd scared it off, but a couple of times since we have scared the bejeesus out of it and it's scared the bejeesus right back out of us, flying out of there when we go to poke around and look for it, or even just stand nearby.
I worry it will move out. I moved the chairs away from the table so that 1) we wouldn't disturb him when we're out there and 2) the dogs couldn't get up on the chairs and get up on the table, which I have seen the rascals do. John, on the other hand, goes into commando "I'm taking back my deck" mode and moves the chairs right back over there and plops his butt down (talk about pissing me right off, which of course he just thinks is most humorous...).
I hope it stays.... Now I just worry that the babies will get eaten by my babies (the dogs).
Which reminds me of a related topic - we have red-tailed hawks that live nearby, which I thought was really cool until I saw one of them flying tree to tree. I was watching it thinking how magnificent it was until I noticed that there was a much smaller bird trying to swoop it. It was trying to get the hawk away from its nest, where the hawk was eating the eggs. Dam* hawk. I kept watching and it went to about 5 other birds nests and the little helpless birds all swooped and screamed but couldn't stop it. I'm an animal lover and I know all about the circle of life and all that BS, but come on, that hawk could eat some rodents or something. I wouldn't even mind if it was catching and eating some of the smaller birds, but to go in there and pillage the eggs, UGGH! The one time I wished I had a slingshot, to at least scare it off or something.
On to the point... Sitting next to the table the other day I see this little mass of (appears to be) clotted up leaves and pine needles. I start poking around and... out flies this bird! Teeny little thing, finally we figured out that it's a Carolina Wren, at least we think.
We wondered if I'd scared it off, but a couple of times since we have scared the bejeesus out of it and it's scared the bejeesus right back out of us, flying out of there when we go to poke around and look for it, or even just stand nearby.
I worry it will move out. I moved the chairs away from the table so that 1) we wouldn't disturb him when we're out there and 2) the dogs couldn't get up on the chairs and get up on the table, which I have seen the rascals do. John, on the other hand, goes into commando "I'm taking back my deck" mode and moves the chairs right back over there and plops his butt down (talk about pissing me right off, which of course he just thinks is most humorous...).
I hope it stays.... Now I just worry that the babies will get eaten by my babies (the dogs).
Which reminds me of a related topic - we have red-tailed hawks that live nearby, which I thought was really cool until I saw one of them flying tree to tree. I was watching it thinking how magnificent it was until I noticed that there was a much smaller bird trying to swoop it. It was trying to get the hawk away from its nest, where the hawk was eating the eggs. Dam* hawk. I kept watching and it went to about 5 other birds nests and the little helpless birds all swooped and screamed but couldn't stop it. I'm an animal lover and I know all about the circle of life and all that BS, but come on, that hawk could eat some rodents or something. I wouldn't even mind if it was catching and eating some of the smaller birds, but to go in there and pillage the eggs, UGGH! The one time I wished I had a slingshot, to at least scare it off or something.
Late adopter
I was telling my husband the other day about how cool I thought it was when I discovered these messaging forums on www.atlantagasprices.com and started interacting with people to ask them about their thoughts on BioDiesel (more info: www.biodiesel.org). He proceeded to call me a "late adopter."
I also recently discovered what the heck a BLOG is... OK so maybe he's right....
So this is post numero uno to try this out as a forum for myself. I'll often think about something and then think "I need to write that down" but then I never do. Poetry, curious ideas, vague concepts for novels, "rants" about one thing or another, boring "deep thoughts" that I think are fascinating when they first hit, etc.
So here I am world! I'm always looking for myself, the true me, the meaning of my existence. Maybe this will help me gain a little perspective if nothing else.
I also recently discovered what the heck a BLOG is... OK so maybe he's right....
So this is post numero uno to try this out as a forum for myself. I'll often think about something and then think "I need to write that down" but then I never do. Poetry, curious ideas, vague concepts for novels, "rants" about one thing or another, boring "deep thoughts" that I think are fascinating when they first hit, etc.
So here I am world! I'm always looking for myself, the true me, the meaning of my existence. Maybe this will help me gain a little perspective if nothing else.
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