We're not worthy, we're not worthy

When I was a young girl I always thought of myself as creative. I wrote, and was convinced that my writing was the manifestation of some deep inner creativity. For the past several years, though, I have sort of had this sinking feeling (realization? or harsh self judgement? who can tell) that my creativity isn't really real, it is just the shadowy reflection and emulation of other people's true creativity. I take someone else's idea and do something with it, tweak it. But there is never a true original idea underneath. Beading - a friend started making necklaces, I started making necklaces. No matter how pretty they end up, I know they are just the same thing every other damn jewelry maker on the planet is doing. Sewing? Only with a pattern. Cooking - only with a recipe, maybe I'll add some cayenne. Never good enough.

Knowing these things, that I am totally lacking creativity, I feel empty. I've lost my compass and my direction. I have been waiting all these years (and I'm getting pretty long in the tooth over here, let me tell you) for the light to shine down from the heavens and for me to suddenly realize my purpose, have my creative insight revealed and to know, in my heart, my true direction. Instead what is happening is I am fragmenting and drifting aimlessly. Or as I said some time ago, I am

An oversight by the gods
in between, never
quite reaching ground or
enlightenment
lost forever worthless soul

Which leads me to the subject of this post. Worthiness. I have this supposed high standard that I've been trying to maintain on this blog, trying to keep it to the meaningful shit and leave out the boring "music o the day" crap that somehow still gets out there, that I consider filler. I want what goes on on this page to be riveting. Ok, maybe I'll never get to riveting. I want the shit to be at least interesting. Thought provoking, maybe? All right, all right, I at least want you to be involved enough to finish reading whatever I wrote to begin with. I don't want this to be a forum of information that you're like "thanks, babe, but I could have found that myself somewhere else, don't need you to post it." I want it to be... Well, I guess I want it to be interesting. I want to be interesting.

And right now I am feeling so empty and uninteresting, un-thought provoking. Absolutely not riveting.

I am fragmented
what I am should be could be
desiring oneness

punishing myself
lifetimes come and go and still
I am unworthy

Can you tell I was working in the haiku 5/7/5 for a while? It's all just crap anyway. But damn it, its my crap. So maybe writing about my lack of worthiness is worthy.

Even my damn angst can't be original. All this crap probably represents 99% of my Generation (X). I am X. Fill in the blank. Fill me in.

Blah. Double blah. Somebody out there (you may know that I am totally not sure which god I subscribe to, other than I know he is out there laughing his ass off at my boring lack of drama, drama) gimme something to work with, here!