Stages of grief

I can't remember how long its been since my mom died. Four years? Five? I started writing this entry and realized I really didn't know, which made me go on a hunt for the "program" from the services we held for her, which led me to realize that I can't find it. Now I'm sitting here swamped with guilt about this. I'm not sure what I feel worse about, not remembering the exact day (though the horrifying moments stay in my heart and feel like I am jostling a jagged shard of glass in my chest when I think of it) or losing the program. This is what its come to, clinging to meaningless scraps of paper that represent the human existance that was my mother.

My heart is hurting now so I have to stop this for a bit and step away, back to my safety mechanism, don't look at the darkness for too long.... I fear it is not the light that I will go to when I pass, times I have seen the dark places and they have called to me.

I came here to post up the words to follow. I wrote the first line knowing this is one of a series to come, stages of grief. This is the pissed off stage ("Anger").

Stages

More to come, as it comes out.

I have nothing but anger for you now
Damn you leaving me
my only inheritance
all the high hopes and expectations
impressed upon me
always the insufficient child of the two
I will never fulfill them
Where were your hopes for my potential?
those things that were my dreams, my capabilities?
the things we buried along the way
You with a sharp word
Me with repressed sighs and hateful thoughts
even I have forgotten them now
I remember all of your dreams
that I never completed
Damn you
all the dreams I never wanted
but of course I want them now
to please you
if only I ever could
learn it all and be your dream
a higher class pointed toe polished tongue princess
and not this insufficient slouched shoulder directionless child
that you left
I should have grown more
Damn you