The master of introspection continues... please stand by, our regularly scheduled programming will resume shortly.

I worry what will happen if/when I decide to stop looking. Searching for meaning is the only thing that keeps me alive, but not finding it is slowly killing me. But what does it even matter?

I think I may be here only for others. At times in their lives I know people have turned to me, I have been here, I am always here, I am a rock. But also, times in their lives others have turned to me, I turned and walked away for self preservation.

I have a talent at being the most cold heartless and unforgiving being, I can drop you like a stone, turn my back on you and never look back if you give me a reason to. Once, without reason, only selfish quest for evolution of self, and need to avoid suffocation. Never again. I would sooner suffocate. I carry the black mark on my soul.

I think I could be a killer, I would only need to know I was serving the greater good, put the guy that tortures dogs in front of me and a rifle and capacity for my anonymity in my hands and there would be one less walking embodiment of evil in the universe. I have a talent for drawing clear lines and boundaries in my soul, and I can put people into mental boxes (coffins?) that never get opened again. I see you, you pass in front of my eyes, but you are never in my mind, never again. Burn me once, I scream and curl up in betrayal, hold that flame out again and you will never even throw light on my vulnerability.

But if you are there for me, if you are my friend, I am the most loyal, supportive, consistent, there for you when the shit hits the fan and everyone else is running, person you will ever know. Maybe that is all I am to be. I have saved some, I have damned some, perhaps they are to become the enlightened and it is my purpose only to guide them, not actually to find enlightenment myself.