Satisfied am I
Yet times it seems I'd sell my soul
For some sad carnie's vision ---
A look into my future.

And what I'd find? Some vision -
where what we see today
and all the things we might have seen
meld into the best
of all possible realities

yet then escape us

an easing into the full day
from the surreal glorious sunrise
the world remains

still pink around the edges

As if to remind us
those visions --- they were there.

Dam*it, Janet.

Of course, the Hike for Discovery is the same week as my already booked trip to Hawaii. OK, so there is just no room in my heart to regret going to Hawaii, but I am a bit disappointed to lose this opportunity for 06. Guess I'll have to plan the hike for next year! And participate in the Light the Night walk as per the norm to contribute for this year.

So, if you want to contribute to the Leukemia and Lymphoma society (GREAT cause) to help raise funds with me, please click here!

Riders on the storm... part deux

Riding lessons resume this Saturday (albeit at a different stable, with a different, hopefully adult, trainer).

I am more than a little thrilled.

Signs

Signs Signs
Everywhere there's signs
F*ing up the scenery
Breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that
Can't you read the sign


You are Rizzo the Rat.
You have few friends, but are loyal to those you do have. Maybe if you didn't smell like sewage you would have more.

SPECIES:
Rodentia Digesta Lotta Grub

HOMETOWN:
Brooklyn, USA

FAVORITE MOVIE:
"Rat On A Hot Tin Roof"

FAVORITE SONG:
"The Pest Is Yet To Come"

FAVORITE FOOD:
You got it, I'll eat it.

HOBBIES:
See "Favorite Food".

QUOTE:
"When do we eat?"

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Stupidity... Contagious? Yes, or "D, all of the above"?

So I keep hearing this commercial on my Sirius Martha Stewart channel for some type of life insurance that "pays out even if you don't die."

OK, we're all friends right? Be honest with me. Are some of you not dying out there? You can tell me.




On a related note... I am intrigued by the newest vampire movie out (I have no clue what it is called). In fact, I am intrigued by vampire movies in general. Something ferocious sexy about those teeth. One of my favorite halloween costumes a few years back was when I put on my skin tight leopard skin pants (same ones I wore to the Judas Priest concert in the 80's... that's not creepy, is it?), wore a black top, lightened up my skin, spiked my hair and put in the vampire teeth (the good ones, not the cheesy full mouth ones), and was just sort of a punk rock vampire.

((( Mentally sing to the "wanna be a cow-boy" music:))) I wanna be a vam-pire....

No... It's not 'dumb ass,' it's 'Duumaahss'........... Andre Dumas...

Waah waah waah. Let me just say that. People are idiots. How many times (how many, really?!) do I have to ask for the SAME information? And, YES, I tried asking in several, several, very very nice ways. Again. And again.

I asked last week (request 1). I asked again Monday (request 2 - stated differently in CASE there was some possible confusion). Again on Wednesday morning (ummm.... I REALLY need the information, y'know, gotta do this little, er, "respond to the CLIENT" thing here???!!! And, you know, not to rush you or anything, but yeah, by the way, they're not only a hair club customer, they're also the president, so to speak?????!!!). Hellloooooooo......

Response - yesterday morning, mind you: "Oh, yeah. OK, I'll get that back to you by COB today."

Guess what ? !

Yep! No response. . . . . ! ! WTF?!

And, this isn't some "I don't know any better" peon, this is somebody who's a lot higher up on the food chain than me. I know, I must annoy them, nipping at their heels all the time.

Pisses me off. I know that some people create work just to have work. Believe me when I say that I do not. I DO NOT ask for things in a vacuum, just cause I can.

Dumases.

So there you go. Yes, I'll have some cheese with that whine, please.

Why....????!!!

WHY am I being inundated with idiocy this morning? More to follow tonight. Blech.

Get a brain, people. Work with me. No, not you. YOU.

Ha. :P

So true.

Shot # 2

Lovely Tuesday morning sunrise from the back deck.

Cydwoq

Cydwoq

So I am in love with some of their shoes ("classic," above, is awesome).

But really, who has almost $300 to drop on SHOES?! And some of their shit is a little too Cirque du Soleil. But, anyhoo some of it I do love.

It's your birthday...

Well, actually it's MY birthday. Or, it's about to be. And, I already got a great gift trifecta! ! ! ! !! Yippee!!

First, sweet love of my life JB got me a new CAR STEREO ! ! ! You have no idea how BIG it is to upgrade from the stock VW cassette player, here, folks. -AND- A Sirius radio player dealie (LOVE IT Alt Nation Rocks, so many choices I could surf all day though).

Second (actually I got this first, but obviously it comes in second on my most loved list) my only requested gift, which was NEW DISHES. A man could eat off the same brown plate every day for years and not care. Maybe not even notice. I know this from experience. I have NEVER picked and purchased dishes. And I'm not talking fine china here, I mean the stuff you scrape your fork on every single night. But now I love mine - Sango Nova Black is what we finally agreed on. I had originally picked a bright turquoise crackle pattern they carry at Target, but JB found the bright happy color alarming (another man thing, I think), so we finally agreed on this one. Plain, but sharp, I think. And, after all, what I think is all that really matters in the case of my own dinnerware, isn't it?

Third (a belated add on birthday request), we are going to the SYMPHONY the day after my birthday. JB's out of town all week (including up until about 11pm on my birthday on Friday, but I'm having a pity party and everyone's invited, so that's ok then). I've never been to actually see the ASO in concert, really. I mean, I did see them once in a special performance at Piedmont Park. I love classical music, so it should be awesome!

Happy birth-day toooo meeeee, happy birth-day to~ooo~~ meee~~~eeeee.....

Gads I'm old.

UPDATED page from the vegemobile diaries

OK, so when I originally posted info about the vegemobile tracking a month or two ago, I had FORGOTTEN to restart the trip odometer, so I have no idea how many miles I went in between fill ups. I can tell you that I have filled up the regular diesel tank one time since that post (actually, JB filled the tank, and also forgot to push in the stupid button), in addition to the fill up this morning.

Since I DID push in the trip odometer today, let's begin again.

Vegemobile diary tracking....
Filled up diesel tank 01/13/06 7:30 am, 10.305 gallons

NOW we'll see how far we get before we have to refill the regular fuel tank... Keeping in mind there may be numerous fillups of the vegetable tank in between, which is what I'm running on 80-90% of the time.

Anyone want to go for a hike?

So when I got the mailer on this program from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society I knew I was on board. It's a new fundraising program that ends in a hike of the Grand Canyon. There's an informational session on 01/28 so I can get more details... I only hope it doesn't conflict with my already planned and booked vacation in May... We'll see!

For those that don't know (which would probably be most, it's not exactly part of my typical conversation or writing fodder), my mom died almost exactly 2 years after being diagnosed with myelofibrosis (she died several years ago). I have participated a few times in the L&LS's Light the Night walks.

Since I LOVE hiking and being outdoors, when I got this flyer that combines two things I love - national parks and hiking, this is even better! I'll need to start "training" to get into decent physical shape for the final hike, so if anyone's willing to go for a hike, let me know!

Don't come around here no more

As Stewie might say "Felt a little, erm, shall we say 'trickle' under the armpit, mmmm?"

Um, yeah. Definitely forgot deodorant this morning. Damn.

I want it all

All right, so who's going to invent the integrated MP3 / radio / satellite radio player?

After all, you've got to be able to get exposed to new music somewhere.

Maybe I was never meant to be perfect

So I think my continuing dissatisfaction with self all goes back to some driven childhood need for perfection. My parents (mother) always had such high hopes and expectations for my sister and I. One of my earliest memories is of my mom administering an IQ test. Horseback riding and French lessons soon to follow.

Now I am this kind of hippie ADD short time hobby person, which sort of disgusts me because I feel like I should finish what I am starting. But the flip side of that is my desire to be the BEST at things, which means that I get discouraged if I don't show an immediate aptitude to pick something up. Hence, never getting involved in group sports. Here's me, tripping over the soccer ball at age 7, etc. And, as a grown up having never learned or played, its still hard to just jump in.

But, maybe that is just what I do and what my life is about. I'll sure as hell try anything. Sometimes I'll keep trying, because I think maybe it would be "cool" to know (Tai Chi, horseback riding, language lessons). I think perhaps (perhaps, I'm gonna float this out there anyway), I need a paradigm shift on some of this stuff.

I have GREAT follow through to things that I DECIDE (i.e. losing weight, quitting smoking, being a good employee, etc.). What I DON'T have great follow through is some stuff that I dabble in for my own personal horizon broadening experience. What's the point of all this blathering, you say? Well... MAYBE... Just MAYBE, there's nothing wrong with dabbling...?! Is trying a bunch of different things and continuing to experiment and learn a little bit about a bunch of things (instead of niching into a single or a few subjects) such a BAD thing, after all?

I have done so much with my life. I am DOING so much with my life. When is it "enough"? Who says? I want to be successful. I want to have fun. So, I'm doing it already!

By the way, my hobby du jour is knitting. I'm GOOD at it !!! (At least, I was able to start knitting and do a couple of rows last night.

My big long term hobbies - I read, a LOT, in spurts. When I feel like it, I make stuff (crafty stuff). I travel, a LOT (3x France, 1x Italy, 1x Britain, several xMexico, coupla xCaribbean, etc...., not counting numerous travels within the US, incl. TONS of awesome National Parks all over the place and an upcoming Hawai'i trip this summer).

In the immortal words of the wise Popeye "I yam what I yam." I need to take my own advice I'm always spurting to whoever will listen - stop TALKING about what you WISH and start DOING the steps that take you there... OR - LET IT GO ! You don't want it bad enough yet!!! :)

How random...

So, I got a message on the Classmates.com system from this guy I used to know back in HIGH SCHOOL! Who, I was never really great friends with, and didn't keep in touch with... My biggest memory of him is that the other kids always called him "big bird" because he was humongously tall, kind of awkward looking and blonde...

So here's the note:
_______________________________________
Sent: December 21, 2005 06:03:01 PM
Subject: Hiya from San Antonio!

Cindy,
How the heck are you? Remember me, the 6'9" skinny kid that had a crush on you? If you go to our 20 year reunion, I promise to bring lots of pics (with you in 'em!) I have two beautiful little girls but'll be divorced by the time our reunion comes around.
Ciao,
_________________________________________________



Now, that sounds to me like some guy divorcing hoping for some miracle hookup/romance, right?!!!! I kind of want to write back, just to say "HI" and "blast from the past" or whatever, but hmm.

Gotta think on that one a minute!!

But, how RANDOM can you get?!!!

Thank God For the Woman's Curse

Yep. You read right. One of the VERY VERY few (hell, probably the ONLY) time you will see me write the words above, or even think them!

Why would I write such a thing, you ask? Or maybe just "This is Wayyy Wayy TMI..." To which I say: Too Damn Bad. Get Over It.

First: the happy news.... I'm baaaa-aaack ! ! ! Yes, I have recovered from the monthly slip under the crazy vortex of suffocation and suffering that is a direct result of my damn monthly hormonal changes. Monday I seriously considered closing the garage and leaving the car on with me in it; today I think I'll hold off on that until I actually accomplish something, or die of some natural cause while trying. Yeah, all the stuff I wrote is still true. So Fucking What. I'm going back to happy naive denial C-Rella. It's a happier place.

Second: I weighed myself on Monday morning and was Horrified to see a much higher number than I had been seeing pre-holidays. I had taken off of weighing myself daily between about 12/13 and this past Monday. But, based on today's weight (160, a new all time low, ladies and gentlemen!!!!!), it was WATER BLOAT! YAY WATER BLOAT!

So there you go. I'm still bored with myself and really have pretty much a whole lot of nothin to say, but I thought I'd at least update everyone.

Sorry for dragging everyone into my misery with me, I really was trying to just not post at all, but I guess Rhi missed me... For some reason... Thank you lovely Rhi it is good to know that I am noticed.... :) I have to say also, it was somewhat cleansing to at least put the blech out there a bit.



So HI! I'll think of something interesting sooner or later. Maybe.


Oh! I like Soduku (number puzzles). Try it! And, I hate math, but you don't have to be good at math.


And, Batman Begins is a really good movie. And Memoirs of a Geisha (I hear, only if you haven't already read the book, which, you know, I didn't).


Oh and cool beans and thanks AGAIN to my good friend that I need to meet one day Rhi, I'm going to get some new reading material soon - see her recent multi-tasking post, I clicked the link!


Hmmm. Yep, that's it for now.

Blech.

I am back in my normal modus operandi. That is, apathetic dissatisfied mode of feeling. Now why is that?! Well the whole Fuzz thing has me uber paranoid and is making me not want to *ever* do *anything* of a remotely personal or writing nature on my work computer (I'm pretty sure my bosses don't care if I take that 10 minutes, after all the lunches I've skipped, but I haven't exactly asked them). Which in turn makes me a bit resentful (well, I'll show them, I'll just go on back in my cozy comfy little shell and won't everyone miss me then... yeah right).

And, I guess that New Year's gets me thinking about all the things I start and never finish. Last year it was Spanish classes (3 classes later, Yo No Hablo Nada). And horseback riding lessons. Yeah, well they did stick me with an 11 year old instructor and her tired horse, and the horse would only turn and walk directly toward the 11 year old every time the 11 year old spoke to instruct me whenever I'd be trying to ride (her horse!). Blech. Reasons? or Excuses? Does it matter?

How does one come by a true hobby anyway? I think you have to have a passion for something first. Somehow, in some way, I was born with no passion. Apathy is my specialty. I hate myself for it.

I've been doing a lot of that lately, at least today. Hating myself, that is.

Have you ever been working on something for a while, and you think you're doing really well at it, boy you're going to be successful, everything is going great, and then suddenly something (or many things) happen and you realize you've screwed a bunch of things up? Yeah, that was today. Nothing major, but lots of minor things. And I hate it. I don't tolerate mistakes well from others (I do tolerate them), I don't tolerate mistakes at all from myself. I feel like a major f*up today.

And I'm old. Further away from hip every single day. Any chance I had at being edgy passed me by back in about '85. I wanted to be edgy. But KIR baby, I see it now. At my age and being who I am... any pathetic attempt I may make at edgy, really just comes off as just damn sad. I'm going to be 36 years old in 17 days, and damn it, I'm just not getting any better, I'm stagnating and rotting into the nasty shallow bitter shell that my mother was when she finally left this world. And, I don't know what to do about it.

Yep, that's about it.

Waah waah wahh.

Yeah, I know. Cry me a river.


Happy new year all you new leaf happy damn people.

Yeah. PMS. Gotta love it.

Stay tuned.... The optimistic happy C-rella programming may or may not be back after these messages.

In the meantime.... I prefer not to spew my negativity all over my page... You may not hear from me for a bit... I will go dark until ready to resume regularly scheduled programming.


Maybe its time to break out the Secret Weapon (the infamous snowman underwear).
Or fuzzy frog socks (gotta get some of those, boy howdy!).

I have a theory

That it is impossible to feel anything less than perfectly happy while wearing snowman underwear.

Happy holidays, ya'll!

Happy Birthday Mom

Happy Birthday Mom. I miss you.

ANWR is not the answer.

Somebody make me a t-shirt. I need to get around to opening my veggie oil station one of these days.... "GreenGoes."

Thank you Sundar

Thank you, Sundar. From his site:

An event occurs; it causes us pain. A routine occurance. And what is our routine response?

Response 1: We go backwards and focus on the cause of the pain. It could be a person. We see the person as the "cause" of our situation and rant and rave about them, either directly or indirectly. We dissipate our energies without any discernible outcomes.

Response 2: We travel ahead in our thoughts and focus on a projected solution to the event. Again, no movement in our status.

In either of the above, we are absent in the moment; we are either behind or ahead. The reality of the moment is pain. Pure and unadulterated by our perceptions. It is just raw pain. The key is to just see it as it is. No justifications, no accusations, no projections. Just be there. Experience the pain totally. In one of my greatest breakthroughs through Grace, I discovered that the intrinsic nature of all experience is bliss. It does not depend upon the content of the experience. The process of experiencing in itself is bliss. The result is a dissolution of the suffering connected to the problem or the emergence of a solution.

I never did play tag well...

Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names.

1. Previously mentioned ADD drift. Watch her folks! If you talk too long, see the glazed eyes and occasional furtive glances around you for an escape hatch.

2. Face picker. I don’t get zits too often, but I’ll carve at whole areas of my face with my nails to try to get them out when I do.

3. Dried up unpopular old person. I don’t know 5 people that have blogs to send this on to.

4. Clothes horse and shopaholic. I shop daily, and when I don’t I have withdrawals.

5. Acutely sensitive and fearful introspective person that continuously tries to show off her pretend brave and invincible armor.

There you have it. I would tag Paulie, since he is the ONLY other person I know with a website (can you call it a blog, in fairness?), but I don't think he'd do it, and probably wouldn't appreciate it. So there you go, my chain ends here.

Say thankee sai.

Skywalker

I am SOOO not on board for this one... The Grand Canyon Sky Walk. I'll be waving from a distant, safe, on the ground point.

Grand Canyon Skywalk

- Scheduled to open Jan. 1, 2006 Hualapai Indian Reservation
- Juts about 70 feet into the canyon, 4000 ft above the Colorado River Will accommodate 120 people comfortably
- Built with more than a million pounds of steel beams, and includes dampeners that minimize the structure's vibration.
- Designed to hold 72 million pounds, withstand an 8.0 magnitude earthquake 50 miles away, and withstand winds in excess of 100 mph
- The walkway has a glass bottom and sides...four inches thick

Happy holidays everyone...

KIR cage match, baby

OK, so I was really thinking hard on Paulie's post all the way home. I dislike the overall slant of it, the in your face let me teach you a lesson cracka approach. I went into my post doing my best to say what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, with the utmost respect and separation between what my message was, and who got me started to thinking about it. Cause you know, I wasn't on the attack. But Paulie, you take the opposite approach, you take my words and sentences and forge them with many more of your own into sharp swords to throw at me. OK. Yeah, my knee jerk reaction is to get all caught up in that and just address the intrinsic pitfalls and shortcomings of your means, but you know, we've all gotten so far away from my original intent I just decided I didn't even want to go there. And thinking about all the stuff I would have to say to get my frustration with it all out just made me tired. And, I have a party to go to tonight, I'm out of town next week. I just don't have time. I still like you. We're still friends. I'm not going to clam up (in spite of you, damn you, you bastard... wink wink).

So I'm going to boil it down. Most of what you said - right on. I can see and acknowledge all that - you're right, it's not about white not having an accent, black having an accent, its about educated vs. not, and hip vs. not.

I feel two more things are important - first, you are not the only ones who have ever experienced hateful things. I've always been a member of the geek patrol. Ask me about being spit on by the other kids. Yeah, I know, I've never even had a taste of it, but don't patronize me by acting like I don't even know it exists. I know it does. Ask me about being called "baby," "honey," or my personal least favorite (because it almost seems respectful at first blush until you realize how condescending it really is) "young lady" by the male techs I work with. Being hit on. Yeah, there are worse things, but that doesn't mean that these don't bother me some.

Second, you and Fuzz got all sidetracked into talking about your experiences growing up, your history. That's all cool, it is who you are and I want to hear it. But Pablo, I feel like in between you were kind of spewing some pent up race frustrations at me that weren't about me. You know, even that's ok, it's not always about me. The issue I take is that your method used sentences and continous references from my post to do it. You got race frustractions to vent? Yeah, I'm not really the one you should be using for that, maybe. And you used my words as you saw fit to make your point, make a good piece for the readers, but you committed a cardinal sin by doing all that and then leaving out my point, which I'm feeling has been missed or skimmed over. So, since I obviously stated it badly the first time, I'm going to try it again:

I wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.

P.S.

FUZZMOPPET - yes, this one is to you, the only means I have to say it, I was going to add it as another "comment" response but darn it, Yahoo won't let me, I guess because I commented once already.

I was thinking about making the title of my next post "It's official...I cannot ask believers about god black people about accents because I am agnostic white and it makes them defensive...

Ha ha.... ha? Maybe? God, I hope; if not, just give me a shovel...

What are yooou doooing?

I saw a post recently on the blog of a black woman (FM), about how if she and some of her friends were on the phone and someone was listening in, people would think they were white folks. Being a white folk, it got me thinking.

I know you can sometimes tell a black person on the phone. How can you tell? I don't know, I guess when I think on it, to me there is a particular accent or speech pattern. I'm trying to think of some specifics but can't right now. And, you know some black folk use the black folk only lingo (most times white folks don't know the code unless they have a black friend translator filling them in). Yeah, I am SOOOO not in the loop on that, that I can't even give a current example, though I remember one of my friends explaining over the weekend how a drug reference to a half bag of a drug somehow translated into a lingo word for a certain size wheel rim on a car... But I can't remember what the word was...

Anyway, back to the thought. Do white folks have a particular accent that makes it obvious they are white? I always just thought it was lack of a specific accent and lingo, but maybe we have our own code that we speak and I don't even know about it!!!

So, the question is: is it just that we sound like June and Ward Cleaver from the 50's, enunciating painfully clearly and sounding like someone with a stick up their butt (thinking of Eddie Murphy's white person impression here, or the Budweiser "Whazzup?" vs. "What are yooou dooing?" commercial), or do white folk fall into a familiar patter when speaking with each other, as I've heard some of the black folks do?

Somebody fill me in here.

Part Deux
12/08 4:40pmish

The original comment that started me down this road was bothering (is still bothering) me, which is why I started this post to begin with. Let me start again, to see if I can find the problem. I don't know if this is right, wrong, ignorant or OK, but it's my perspective, with whatever innate biases it may have, and so, to some extent it is what it is (feel free to add your two cents, in the words of Michelangelo, at age 87, "I'm still learning").

In my business, working with clients, techs, etc. all day over the phone, I talk to a lot of people. Once or twice I have been surprised to somehow find out that someone was black after having known them for a while via phone interactions. I don't form mental pictures the way some people do, so in my mind I wasn't thinking "this is a white person I am speaking to," it was just a lack of knowledge of their race.

I think that is the difference - I don’t think most people pigeonhole all non-accented people as white (in my mind they could be Asian, middle eastern, white, black, etc.). Based on the comment, it seems that some black people pigeonhole non-accented people as white, and also that this has negative connotations associated with it. It’s almost like to have no accent is somehow a denial of black heritage, but I don’t think that this assessment is good or fair (of or by anyone!).

I’m primarily of German descent. You don’t see me hanging around exclusively with other German people, or stressing a German accent in some situations and using a different accent in others. Maybe back in the 1800’s, the Irish hung out with the Irish, the Germans hung out with the Germans, Polish with Polish, etc. But we’ve come a long way, and been fortunate enough to all move on, and become a “melting pot.” Due to unfortunate circumstances that no one alive today had any part in, the Africans, to put it lightly, got a raw deal (there just aren’t words for it that would fit here and suffice).

I’m sad that some of our ancestors did that to some of your ancestors. But, things are changing. Perhaps back in the day people discriminated against Irish people, but I’m pretty sure we mostly don’t today. And, definitely, back in the day people discriminated against African people, but we’ve come a long way. I think it’s somewhat foolhardy to cherish and protect a particular manner of speech that may have more to do with a lack of education or enunciation and really nothing to do with Africa or heritage, but you know what? That’s your choice. I guess the bottom line is: I just wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.

Joy

Rhi posted about Joy vs. Happiness today, got me thinking about Joy. Not enough Joy in this world. I think it is something you can choose and give as a conscious gift to yourself, at least for one brief moment. Everyone has their assignments (we all like to have the appearance of structure and order), here is mine: to give myself one moment of sheer JOY every day. Take something and savor it. Right now I am drinking a cup of Chocolate Raspberry Snowfairy Cocoa. Cocoa makes me happy. Nice yummy smells like chocolate and rasberry make me happy. Today, I am going to look into the meditation ball on my desk and savor, and fill my heart with joy for things I can.

Postmortem note: Why the heck is there a P in Raspberry? I noticed it looked wrong when I reviewed the published post, so I had to come back in and add it. But whose idea was the P in there anyway?! Nobody I know says "Rasp berry", it's "RAZ berry". I vote we change it. Razberry. Makes perfect sense to me. Hmm. Back to my Zen moment of Joy.

Postmortem note # 2: I just noticed ANOTHER DARN REFERENCE to Rasberry that I need to change. Heck with it. I'm leaving it. Pfffft. I'm blowing a RAZBERRY at it.

Sometimes I feel like Martha Stewart

Saturday night we had this little gathering for the football championship thingie that Virginia Tech was in (spousal unit is a Hokie). Just before the party I had this brainstorm about setting up a hot chocolate bar by the beer taps in the basement (we have a 2 tap kegerator built in to the wet bar). I have a hot water dispenser (this one) that is great for hot tea, etc. So, I set it up in the basement, along with a bowl full of sugar-free and regular hot chocolate packets, a smaller bowl with fresh, real, mini-marshmallows, and all the great liquors that would be a great add-in to hot chocolate (mint, cinnamon, butterscotch, and coffee). Oh! And I did have whipped cream to top them with too, though I forgot to pull it out of the fridge. Anyway, I thought it was a super clever idea for winter gatherings, and, Yummy!

You could take this a few steps further if desired, with candy canes to use as "stirrers," packets of hot cider too (possibly good with apple liquor), maybe some other stuff.

The "it's all about me..." syndrome

Am I a psycho? Quite Possibly. But, perhaps some will recognize this syndrome (at least, jeez, I hope!!!!!).

So last week I wrote my (introspective, what a surprise. It is my "special talent") piece on how I tend to shut down when I lose interest in a conversation, which I am saying OUT LOUD, is a terrible thing to do and something that I am going to work on. Much later I visited my friend Paulie's website and saw a post that says "blah blah blah bitches" (commonly used phrase, but, one which harks back to phrases that happened to be in MY post). So, I read the post thinking in the back of my mind "quasi covert response to my post? or completely unrelated?". So, I finish reading the post and I'm thinking "Could be to me. Not likely, but could be."

I am usually terribly blind (ok, ok, naive, pollyanna, whatever reference makes it understandable to you) when it comes to "seeing" digs at me. Or maybe being a narcississt I just don't think it's possible (ok, not). So, my paranoid response it to piece together threads in my mind that could possibly be a dig (which really never existed), while somehow I manage to overlook and be completely blind to hundreds of people talking smack about me practically in front of my face. Yes, I am a dumb ass. I am a pathetic creature and my interpersonal social skills are awkward and undeveloped. I think it comes from growing up with my sister, 4 years older than me, as my best and only friend until she turned about 12 and I was about 8 and I was suddenly no longer a friend, but a child and a burden, as would happen with any blossoming preteen and youngster, but anyway it screwed me up and here I am. But, I'm blathering.

So I reread my post wondering if possibly there is this back and forth thing going, where he saw my post and thought it was to him. I finish reading the post and think "He could think it was to him. It's not, but possibly he could think it."

What the phuck? I did mention how I love to analyze things, right? What that means is that, not only do I love to analyze mental puzzles created and presented by others, but I also create and imagine my own mental puzzles that mess with my mind. I get all locked up inside my own head and occasionally I create non-existent drama until I finally recognize that I need to let that shit go and move on, because it's all smoke and mirrors in my itty bitty bored over analytical brain.

So, after all my angst, the only solution I could think of, which also might make for an interesting post that (hopefully! really!) somebody could relate to out there, is to just say, the engineer referenced in that post is Bill S., who sits across from our friend Rachel Ray's new digs. I feel ridiculously comfortable posting his name here, because he is not among my friends, and I'm really pretty sure he's not even a friend of a friend of mine in the office. Now, he's a nice guy, but the man just likes to hear himself talk. And if you know him, I think you'll agree.

So, anyway, all that got me thinking of the "it's all about me" syndrome. I write my post, maybe friend X thinks "hey, that's about me", then they write a (quite possibly, completely unrelated) post and I read it and think "hey, is that about me?"

It started me thinking, what a kind of phucked up way is this to communicate? If you choose to write about me instead of confronting me, then in my mind, you're really hating on me and writing off the friendship.

But then, when I think on it (upon analyzing even further, sur-priize sur-priize), that might not be fair either... I often write much more effectively than I can speak - I have time to consider, and edit, and be concise and accurate with my words.

But anyway, please, if I piss anybody off, call me up, come see me, call me on it. Tell me what a bitch I am. Don't turn away pissed off and blog on me later, it's the beginning of the end if you can't be bothered to deal through the confrontation and the conversation. That's all.

Which brings me to enlightenment on my own frustration. I'm debating on writing something on my spousal unit, we've hit a rough patch this weekend and I'm resenting him for it right now, but to post to all ya'll lookers isn't the right answer. I do prefer writing, as I said above, but instead of writing it to everyone and letting the chips fall where they may at the outcome, I'm going to write it to him only... And hope he's willing to be bothered to work through the confrontation and conversation.

On being a selfish byatch.

I am always saying to myself (and sometimes to other people) that I wish I had more friends. I had an epiphany today, and you know I’m thinking now that maybe that’s not exactly true. Or at least, you make your own bed.

Occasionally I look at an aspect of myself and realize how ridiculously (mostly unwittingly, but nonetheless) selfish and narcissistic I am. One of the results of this is that I’m really a terrible people person. I am all right there with you if I am interested in the discussion and the person I’m conversing with is bringing me mental puzzles and things that make you say “hmmm.” I LOVE analyzing paradigms, religion, interpersonal relationships. Heck - analyzing anything - it piques my interest. Take it apart, look at the components, put it back together and see if the end result looks the same as what you started with.

Now, I have to say that I’m kind of a “taker” in this respect. I have a laser focus, which is great for being able to stay on task, not forget about conversational threads begun and dropped midway for a departure to a different topic, etc., but it’s lousy for getting the 10,000 foot view to see something from more than one angle. Set me on the path, though, and I shift that laser focus and start narrowing in on all the possible twists and turns… Follow the laser through all the routes; until I feel like I’ve come out on the other side, then I’m done. Topic closed, move on. Cut cord, discussion over.

Focus - my great strength, also my great bane.

And, my selfish hunger for mental workouts. The minute you start going over the boring same old same old blah blah blah, I lose focus and start to drift. I try to focus and remain interested and interactive, but I’m TERRIBLE at it. I disengage. Cut cord, discussion over. As you might guess, this can be somewhat off-putting to the other person, who is sometimes continuing to have this (unbeknownst to them, one-sided) conversation, only to figure out, sometimes much later, that I am no longer participating in (nay! no longer even paying attention to!) the conversation.

Case in point – this morning I was speaking with one of the engineers about a technical issue with one of the clients. We talked (and talked, and talked…) and got to a point where we were, in my not-so-humble (obviously, ya big egotistical self-centered byatch) opinion, picking nits. And, it involved math. And numbers. Not my strong points (either!). I disengaged. He kept talking. I pointed out that I had a meeting I had to prepare for that was starting in 9 minutes. Still talking. I pointed out that the meeting (which I still had to prepare for!) was now in 3 minutes (and sometimes you’ve just got to go to the ladies room, for god’s sake!). Still talking. I grabbed my notebooks and my pen and gathered them to my chest. Yep, you guessed it - still talking. I was on the verge of standing and walking past him toward the bathroom when he finally started backing into the hall (my GOD - STILL talking!) and I took the opportunity to quickly shoot past him toward the ladies’ room with a conciliatory word on the fly.

But, that’s work related. If it had been personal, particularly when I am at work – he’d have been shut down at the 9 minute countdown. Cut cord, discussion over.


Moral of the story – my revelation is that these poor interpersonal tactics may be impacting my ability to make friends. And, to anyone who has been summarily clipped as a result – I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better. Really.

Now what were you saying again?

Bottle tans

OK, so I just have to make a quick post here. I have a (normally very lovely, or at least, em, normal looking) coworker that I haven't seen in a couple of days, and when I saw her today I just couldn't stop STARING.... Normally a very fair skinned (albeit bottle) blonde, today she looks like (what I envision) a radiation burn victim! Can you say Oompa Loompa, boys and girls?

Now, I'm as big a fan of the Jergens Natural Glow as anybody, but come on. I'm not trying to look like I just bounced in off of Baywatch, I'm just trying to take the weird glow-in-the-dark lizard belly shade of white edge off. The whole all-over tan in super dark - like I'm going to think to myself (mental Napoleon Dynamite voice) "Luuckiie. She must've just come back from the Bahamas."

What inspires people to do such things?!

Notes to self from Hua Hu Ching

Notes to self from Hua Hu Ching, the teachings of Lau Tzu, by Brian Walker

---------------------
From two and four:

The first practice is the practice of undiscriminating virtue: take care of those who are deserving; also, and equally, take care of those who are not.

To practice virtue is to selflessly offer assistance to others, giving without limitation one's time, abilities, and possessions in service, whenever and wherever needed, without prejudice concerning the identity of those in need.

If your willingness to give blessings is limited, so also is your ability to receive them.
-----------------------
From ten:

The ego is a monkey catapulting through the jungle:
Totally fascinated by the realm of the senses,
it swings from one desire to the next,
one conflict to the next,
one self-centered idea to the next.
If you threaten it, it actually fears for its life.

Let this monkey go.
Let the senses go.
Let desires go.
Let conflicts go.
Let ideas go.
Let the fiction of life and death go.
Just remain in the center, watching.

And then forget that you are there.
--------------------------------------------

These are the lessons that have spoken to me so far, I note them here so that I may listen to them longer.

Right now, there IS NO wagon!!!!

OK, I have to post this message for a point of clarity. I am not an alcoholic. I could be. I am NOT.

And, no, I am NOT in denial. So, let me say, THERE IS NO WAGON.

I feel like my previous post was like putting this sticker on my own back that reads "Hey everybody - I'm a friend of Bill W."

Lemme add some clarity here.

1) I am not an alcoholic.
2) Yep, I sure could be an alcoholic, IF I failed to self moderate.
3) I like my drink.
4) I will always like my drink.
5) I still drink.
6) I will always drink, IF my self moderation system works for me.

The system being - recognize that for a couple of days there, I was tieing one on, and I don't need to be that crazy drunk, especially not on quiet TV nights at home.

My analysis: Stupid drunk once a year at a party - OK. Stupid drunk 3 of 5 weeknights at home - PROBLEM. It's pointless, it's stupid, and it's bad for my health. And I KNOW IT... And, I've done something about it - recognize these facts and moderate accordingly. Max - 2 glasses of wine on a weeknight. That way, I don't have to do that whole faulty "but, I don't feel drunk" logic, that always gets me in trouble because it takes an hour before the last glass hits you.

If this system works for me, guess what? I'll continue drinking forever. And yep, if you only see me once a year at a party, guess what? I may be stupid drunk. But if you come over to hang out for a quiet TV night, or vice versa, I WON'T be. I may enjoy one or two glasses of wine, or maybe even (if it is a super long 3+ hour TV session) more than that. But not stupid drunk. Not often. And that's the key.

You know what, if down the road I find that this system doesn't work, I'll roll that damn wagon right in here and jump on singing "Rawhide!" But, I am not there, and THAT is the point.

And

I'm an optimistic skeptic. Or maybe a skeptical optimist.

Let's just say

I want to believe.

The Dark Tower Series is good. And that's the truth.

It's official, I've lost it.

Or, maybe I'm becoming Californian. Or maybe just Nancy Reagan. You gotta know a lot of those folks are a little touched.

The signs of this craziness, you ask (or at least, I project you asking, but I bet you already caught em)?

Yeah, actually acting based on dreams... Um hum... And crystals? I just don't know about myself any more. I'd like to think that Wicca works and all that, but my OC control freak mind won't even let me go there. No. Possible. Way. Or for sure there'd be more Wiccans than Christians today, methinks.

But, as ka wills, so will it be - the path that found me be what it may, if it has helped me regain the road, none can deny its validity (me included).

But, yep. I'm nuts.

Drinking, dreaming, and the metaphysical properties of crystals

Someone told me once that a predilection for addiction is hereditary. My maternal grandfather was a drunk, and my mother smoked 90 cigarettes a day. I myself am a former smoker. Last night I drank too much wine. Again.

It's hard, because making home made wine, I tend to have a lot of it readily available to me, it's not like I have to dish out another $9-10 to get another bottle. And then with these big wine glasses, its hard to tell when to stop. Unfortunately, what that usually means is that I go from being totally fine to being totally plastered, with what seems like no warning or medium point in between. It is starting to bother me. I drink too much. Shallowly buried suicidal manifestations to be reined back in, like so many others. I could be a totally phucked up individual, if I let myself. But then, I'm an Obsessive Compulsive control freak!

Last night I awoke at about 2:15 am, then lay in bed awake for an hour thinking about it. I was drifting in and out of sleep at one point, I don't remember all of my dreams, but the one I do remember was me holding a very large (I dunno? 8" wide x 12" tall or something? it took both hands) rough crystal, thinking this would somehow help me keep from drinking too much. I awoke briefly from the dream and thought to myself "healing crystals, must look into healing crystals in the morning."

So today I did. In my dream the crystal I was holding was NOT perfectly clear, it seemed to be very occluded, basically not a white or clear crystal, but slightly yellower / less perfect than the white or perfect crystals I would think of as a "crystal" in my waking moments. So today I researched, and when I was looking at various pictures of crystals on line I quickly decided that the citrine was the closest to my dream. I just happened across this information on what that particular crystal is supposed to help to heal:

Citrine: Acid indigestion, food disorders, allergies. Cleansing spleen, kidneys, liver, urinary system, intestines. Mental and emotional clarity, problem-solving, memory, willpower, optimism, confidence, self-discipline. Reducing anxiety, fear, and depression.

Weird, or what? I don't know a damn thing about crystals. Strange I would just happen to dream of the exact one that would be "right" if I did know about them. No other crystals for kidneys, liver, etc., areas impacted by drinking that I found.

Coincidence? I think not. I ordered a quartz crystal and citrine necklace.

Rorschach association - roadkill / C-rella

Good to know that when people see roadkill, they think of me. Ha ha!!

Hmmm. Yes, very interesting! I wrote a piece once about how you never really get the opportunity to see yourself through someone else's eyes. Come to think of it, maybe I should be very, very glad of that.

I have a whole lengthy dissertation in me about all my roadkill experiences, perhaps I'll expound on them later this evening. Maybe not. Sometimes half assed is as good as it gets before I lose the impetus and interest to keep working at it. Plus, you know, I hate looking back - and anything I've already touched on line becomes history of sorts. We'll see.

So, for now, that's it. Done. No more pathetic roadkill memoriams. They're dead. Damn sad.

Drive less. Care more.

This time, the good wins: the good, the bad, and the ugly

Some of my culinary experimentations are definitely better than others. I referenced in an earlier post that I only cook with recipes; that's true 99.99% of the time. Occasionally I'll delve out on my own, with varying degrees of success.

That being said, this one actually turned out pretty good! And, I love having a "secret ingredient." This one was inspired by a salad that I had at a local restaurant, baby spinach leaves with sliced strawberries.

Ingredients: baby spinach leaves, mixed green salad (bagged type- any lettuce variety you prefer), low-fat feta cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, walnuts, cucumber, real tomato, kiwi fruit and grilled chicken

for 2 dinner-sized servings:

Mix aprx 2 cups mixed greens and 2 cups spinach leaves. Sprinkle with aprx. 4 tbsp low-fat feta. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped sun-dried tomatoes. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped walnuts. Add 1/2 large cucumber (chopped) and the tomato (also finely chopped). Peel the kiwi fruit, chop and add. Toss well, add the chopped up grilled chicken on top.

Serve with Newman's low-fat raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette dressing.

YUM!

Page from the Vegemobile diaries

"If America can go to the moon, then in the decades to come we should not ever have to have young Americans sent to any part of the world to defend and die for America's gluttony on fossil fuel."
- John Kerry

For the records - Filled up diesel tank 11/09/05, 8:41 am, 11.243 gallons, $2.799 / gallon, $31.47.

We'll see how far that thirty bucks gets us in the Vegemobile.

Work, and my new outlook

Lately things have been so busy at work that I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed. Combined with the time change (meaning that I only see daylight from my car on my ride in to work in the morning, unless I go out for lunch, which I don't often have time to do), I have been getting more and more stressed out. Also, hubby was gone the whole month of October, and I really missed him, but it is an adjustment (for both of us - I can see I am grating his nerves time to time as well) to be around someone at every moment when we are at home. At work - well, it seems like the work is driving me, instead of me driving the work the way it should be. And, well, it makes me snappish. Oh yeah, and throw the woman's curse this week into the mix. Yay. Moody me.

I have decided, to take control of what I can - my outlook. My new outlook is to STAY POSITIVE. One of my tools is going to be self affirmations. I always sort of thought they were ridiculously silly (someone looking in a mirror saying they love themselves, just seems a little weird/silly to me, I would be really self conscious!), BUT, my affirmations are more like thinking meditative thoughts about remaining calm, and repeating to myself "I am in control," "I have all the time I need to do what is required of me today," etc.

We'll see! And, I'm going to go back to going out to lunch. It REALLY helps me from getting uber frazzled and stressed out - like hitting reset for my attitude. I need it. I sort of feel guilty/insufficient for the fact that I do need it (so many successful people can skip lunch, work 60 hour work weeks, etc - I just don't seem to have it in me to do those things without totally wigging out and being constantly snappish), but what can I do? Recognize, accept, and deal with this reality of my abilities and limits, optimize by taking the steps I know help me to be more centered, more balanced, more effective.

And a fun(ny) way to spend a Saturday night! (me as Wilma - pre-makeup aack!)

What a lovely way to spend a couple of hours on a Saturday...

Ha ha

I am the walking embodiment of the first and second noble truths of Buddhism.

I am about to make a statement that has been totally unresearched and may be completely unsupported/not in line with Buddhism. I am not a Buddhist, nor do I currently feel up to the due diligence requirement, so I'm just going to stick my next thought up here like I wanted to, to begin with. I may or may not come back to do more research to get the full/better understanding of Buddhism at a later time. Meantime, of course, you may feel free to contribute to my education in this regard as applicable. For now, here's just the next thought:

Does blind acceptance = enlightenment?

The master of introspection continues... please stand by, our regularly scheduled programming will resume shortly.

I worry what will happen if/when I decide to stop looking. Searching for meaning is the only thing that keeps me alive, but not finding it is slowly killing me. But what does it even matter?

I think I may be here only for others. At times in their lives I know people have turned to me, I have been here, I am always here, I am a rock. But also, times in their lives others have turned to me, I turned and walked away for self preservation.

I have a talent at being the most cold heartless and unforgiving being, I can drop you like a stone, turn my back on you and never look back if you give me a reason to. Once, without reason, only selfish quest for evolution of self, and need to avoid suffocation. Never again. I would sooner suffocate. I carry the black mark on my soul.

I think I could be a killer, I would only need to know I was serving the greater good, put the guy that tortures dogs in front of me and a rifle and capacity for my anonymity in my hands and there would be one less walking embodiment of evil in the universe. I have a talent for drawing clear lines and boundaries in my soul, and I can put people into mental boxes (coffins?) that never get opened again. I see you, you pass in front of my eyes, but you are never in my mind, never again. Burn me once, I scream and curl up in betrayal, hold that flame out again and you will never even throw light on my vulnerability.

But if you are there for me, if you are my friend, I am the most loyal, supportive, consistent, there for you when the shit hits the fan and everyone else is running, person you will ever know. Maybe that is all I am to be. I have saved some, I have damned some, perhaps they are to become the enlightened and it is my purpose only to guide them, not actually to find enlightenment myself.

Lost

Sun: "Did you see me?"

Locke: "Rip apart your garden? No."

"Sometimes I wish I had a garden to tear apart."

Sun: "I don't think I have ever seen you angry."

Locke: "Ha. Oh! I used to get angry all the time. Frustrated, too."

Sun: "You're not... frustrated... any more?"

Locke: "I'm not lost any more."

Sun: "How did you do that?"

Locke: "Same way anything lost gets found.

I stopped looking."

We're not worthy, we're not worthy

When I was a young girl I always thought of myself as creative. I wrote, and was convinced that my writing was the manifestation of some deep inner creativity. For the past several years, though, I have sort of had this sinking feeling (realization? or harsh self judgement? who can tell) that my creativity isn't really real, it is just the shadowy reflection and emulation of other people's true creativity. I take someone else's idea and do something with it, tweak it. But there is never a true original idea underneath. Beading - a friend started making necklaces, I started making necklaces. No matter how pretty they end up, I know they are just the same thing every other damn jewelry maker on the planet is doing. Sewing? Only with a pattern. Cooking - only with a recipe, maybe I'll add some cayenne. Never good enough.

Knowing these things, that I am totally lacking creativity, I feel empty. I've lost my compass and my direction. I have been waiting all these years (and I'm getting pretty long in the tooth over here, let me tell you) for the light to shine down from the heavens and for me to suddenly realize my purpose, have my creative insight revealed and to know, in my heart, my true direction. Instead what is happening is I am fragmenting and drifting aimlessly. Or as I said some time ago, I am

An oversight by the gods
in between, never
quite reaching ground or
enlightenment
lost forever worthless soul

Which leads me to the subject of this post. Worthiness. I have this supposed high standard that I've been trying to maintain on this blog, trying to keep it to the meaningful shit and leave out the boring "music o the day" crap that somehow still gets out there, that I consider filler. I want what goes on on this page to be riveting. Ok, maybe I'll never get to riveting. I want the shit to be at least interesting. Thought provoking, maybe? All right, all right, I at least want you to be involved enough to finish reading whatever I wrote to begin with. I don't want this to be a forum of information that you're like "thanks, babe, but I could have found that myself somewhere else, don't need you to post it." I want it to be... Well, I guess I want it to be interesting. I want to be interesting.

And right now I am feeling so empty and uninteresting, un-thought provoking. Absolutely not riveting.

I am fragmented
what I am should be could be
desiring oneness

punishing myself
lifetimes come and go and still
I am unworthy

Can you tell I was working in the haiku 5/7/5 for a while? It's all just crap anyway. But damn it, its my crap. So maybe writing about my lack of worthiness is worthy.

Even my damn angst can't be original. All this crap probably represents 99% of my Generation (X). I am X. Fill in the blank. Fill me in.

Blah. Double blah. Somebody out there (you may know that I am totally not sure which god I subscribe to, other than I know he is out there laughing his ass off at my boring lack of drama, drama) gimme something to work with, here!

My new Zen bathroom. What a difference a coat of paint can make.

Easy peasy, nice n greasy

I've been driving the greasecar for 3 weeks or so now (I think that's right...) and I LOVE IT! View pics of the transformation from normal POS little econocar to the fly by night superfly greasemobile here.

More info about veggie fuel options: BioDiesel, Greasecar, or Greasel.

Groovy

I am loving Ringside's song "Struggle."

Sis' article

My sis wrote about me (or, more specifically, my car!) for her local paper, read the article here.

The insult is in the eye of the beholder. Isn't it?

Now, if you know me you know I take myself just too damn seriously. I can't help it. I try not to. I'm just not a super lighthearted chick about digs, its because I am introspective and self-judgemental to the point of peeling back my own layers even though I'm screaming in internal pain and shame. I just can't take the shit from other people because it feeds me more nails to hammer up under my own fingernails later, again and again. I relive my incompetence and general ineffectiveness and life impotence. again. and again. and again.

But, with that said, a note: I'm going to venture down this way overly serious path about a little bullshit topic. NOTE: This topic REALLY doesn't bother me as much as it might seem like it does, but I'm writing on it, just because, well, I haven't had shit else to write about and this one had the gears turning for a minute, so I thought, what the hell? Why not slap it up on this pointless blog of mine that exists in a damn cyberspace vaccum and serves only my own myopic apathetic view of the world? Sounds great! At least it will be a placeholder.

So, I have this friend that has said I look like this particular (2nd rate wanna be) actress. It really bothers me because I personally think this person is pretty damn hideous looking. My friend, however, thinks that making (and continuing to by inference) this comparison is no big deal, because they think that she is not bad looking.

Here's the conversation (or at least the way it happened in my mind:
All friends: What you eating? Oh, here's what I'm eating, here's what's in it, blah blah blah boring shit... blah blah blah funny shit... blah blah blah

(out of the blue)
Friend 1: Hey, you know today is (large-nostrilled thin lipped big toothed weird head shaped wack job) actress' birthday?
Me: How is that relevant?
Friend 1: Well, you know, I'm just saying.
Friend 2: What are you guys talking about?
Friend 1: C-rella here doesn't like Actress.
Me: I'm just saying, out of all the people I've been told I look like, I think she's the LEAST attractive.
Friend 2: Well, you do sort of have that crazy thing going (like Actress).
Me: Grrrrrrrrreaaat... Gets better and better.

So, the question is, the insult is in the eye of the beholder, right? I mean, if I thought you look like some really butt ugly person but someone I like because they have this great, redeeming, funny personality, should I tell you that shit? Hey, you know you look like Butt Ugly? What? You're insulted? No, get over that shit! Really, they're nice, I like them, I mean they're cute in a "I'm so hideous I'm really kind of cute" sort of way.

Deep thoughts.! Ha! Just the track my brain was following, and I decided that instead of deciding it was too damn boring and not entertaining enough to be worthy to post, here ya go. Nothin but top quality fodder from the mind of yours truly.

Have I mentioned...

how much I love horseback riding? Went again Sunday and had a BLAST, yet again. Got to go (pretty slowly, but still) around some barrels, in a controlled trot. I feel like I am learning so much! I don't have any real ambition to compete (although the trainer was telling me about a 12 year old whose parents took her out of public school and were home-schooling so they could travel and she could compete... well, yeah, she made $170K last year at it !!!). My goals right now are just to become an excellent rider, which could take a while.

This weekend - veggie in my VW

Well, this weekend John & I are going to Blacksburg for the VA Tech game. While we're gone we're leaving the Jetta TDI with an associate of John's, and it will be magically converted to run on VEGETABLE OIL! Yay! Veggie oil is a great sustainable resource and any diesel car can run directly on it if you have a dual tank system (you can't leave the pure veggie oil in the system or it will congeal in cold weather, so you have to start and stop the systems on diesel), or you can mix it with diesel and pump it directly into your tank. See this site for more info on the dual tank system and this one for more info on the mixed fuels system.

I'm so excited! I'm just a bit disappointed that I won't be in town to witness and take pics of the steps of the transformation. I promise I'll take and post some of the completed install.

We're going to get the veggie oil from the guy doing the conversion, he has a great filtering system already in place to be sure its cleaned sufficiently, and he sells it at 25% of the going rate for regular diesel.

He's got the system installed on his car and he says he only fills up the regular diesel tank about once every six weeks. John (geek that he is - got to love him) has calculated the timeframe for full ROI at about a year.

Riders on the storm

I had my first horseback riding lesson since I was, like, 8, today. It was awesome!!! The original plan was to take a couple of lessons, just to get up to speed and comfortable again so that I could do a trail ride with my friend Erica without killing myself, but now that I have been one time (and LOVED it) I'm just planning to keep on going. The stables I rode at do a lot of competition work with the folks they train. Who knows, maybe even this old dog could learn some new tricks.

Katrina

My heart is heavy over the Katrina tragedy. My first instinct is to open our home and take in at least some of the displaced people. Of course cynic John's point of view is, "yeah, but if you do that you don't really know who you're going to get." This is true, and while I admit that it is (more clearly than ever, now) obvious that you might take in someone that would rob you or do something else that was bad, I think the likelyhood of them doing that to you after you open your heart and home would hopefully be very small.

Here are the local Red Cross shelters, I am thinking of seeing if I can talk John into going to one of them with me and picking a family or some people to offer temporary housing to. We don't have enough money to support a bunch more people, but I am also a believer that you have to do the right thing first and somehow needs will be met.

Henderson Gym
701 Willard Street
Albany
GA

Adamsville Recreation Center
3201 MLK Jr. Drive
Atlanta
GA

Central Avenue Church of Christ
304E Central Avenue
Valdosta
GA

Hilton Terrace Baptist Church
2236 Warm Springs Road
Columbus
GA

Georgia FFA SCCA Center
720 FFA Road
Covington
GA

Warren Baptist Church
3203 Washington Road
Augusta
GA

First Baptist Church on the Square
100 Broad Street
LaGrange
GA


Note that the "official" stance on this from Rick Schofield, Response Mgr., American Red Cross is:

(caller with question:) "With so many people left homeless in the affected areas are there any plans or programs for people in other parts of the country to open their homes and take to take in people while the local officials secure and prepare these areas for the return of the local residents?"

Rick Schofield: Although a generous offer, the logistics and challenges with such a donation make it something Red Cross cannot accept. Our role is to provide emergency shelter and assistance and then assist in recovery, working with other terrific local and national agencies.

Original link is here.

I'm a hypocrite

OK, I admit it. Passed a dead opossum on the way home, just stared at the bits and pieces in morbid fascination. Where were the tears for this victim? Yeah, I'm a hypocrite, what can I say?

I'm trying to grow here, people.

Compost Bin Exterior

Compost Bin Interior

A few key facts from America's Environmental Report Card

- The United States, with less than 5% of the world's population, consumes 25% of the earth's energy resources, mostly fossil fuels.

- The amount of solid waste each American generated each day increased by 70% between 1960 and 2000, from 2.7 pounds per person to 4.5 pounds per person.

- Americans generate about twice the amount (of solid waste) per capita generated by other industrialized countries such as Germany, France, or Japan.

Recommended reading

America's Environmental Report Card (Are we making the grade?) by Harvey Blatt. Available within the Gwinnett Library system (not sure about the rest of ya'll).

Sustainable C-rella Project

I've started to recycle a lot more stuff now that I am on this sustainable kick. I am fortunate enough to have a recycling service pickup as part of my trash service, which I really appreciate. I had always recycled the obvious things like bottles, aluminum cans, and newspapers, but once I started looking I realized that a lot of the containers used to provide other products are also recyclable! So, now I always look all over the container to see if I see the Reduce, Reuse, Recycle logo. I'm going to have to look into whether it is mandated it be printed on anything recyclable or whether it is up to the company that makes the product whether or not they put the logo on there. There have been a couple of things I didn't find the logo on that I suspect to be recyclable.... More to come as I get more info.

Between recycling more things and composting stuff, I think I could probably reduce my "solid waste" output by quite a lot!

Maybe I'll do an experiment where one week I'll keep track of the overall volumes of everything I used to throw away but now reuse for comparison. I could have a "composting" bag and a "recycling" bag and then track those volumes along with the "solid waste" volume, while removing from the equation anything that I've always known to recycle.

This weekend, assembly of the compost bin

Did you know that cotton, vegetables, paper, and bunches of other stuff can be composted and converted into mulch? I checked a great book out from the library that gives all the details. There's also a web page with instructions on converting a trash can into a composting bin.

Interesting facts

Thanks http://library.thinkquest.org/11353/facts.htm
o If just 25% of U.S. families used 10 fewer plastic bags a month, we would save over 2.5 BILLION bags a year.
o On the average, the 140 million cars in America are estimated to travel almost 4 billion miles in a day, and according to the Department of Transportation, they use over 200 million gallons of gasoline doing it.
o Every year we throw away 24 million tons of leaves and grass. Leaves alone account for 75% of our solid waste in the fall.
o Over 100 pesticide ingredients are suspected to cause birth defects, cancer, and gene mutations.
o Every ton of recycled office paper saves 380 gallons of oil.
o About 1% of U.S. landfill space is full of disposable diapers, which take 500 years to decompose.
o Energy saved from one recycled aluminum can will operate a TV set for 3 hours, and is the equivalent to half a can of gasoline.
o Glass produced from recycled glass instead of raw materials reduces related air pollution by 20%, and water pollution by 50%.
o Americans use 50 million tons of paper annually -- consuming more than 850 million trees.
o Homeowners use up to 10 times more toxic chemicals per acre than farmers.
o By turning down your central heating thermostat one degree, fuel consumption is cut by as much as 10%.
o Insulating your attic reduces the amount of energy loss in most houses by up to 20%.
o Enough glass was thrown away in 1990 to fill the Twin Towers (1,350 feet high) of New York's World Trade Center every two weeks.
o One ton of carbon dioxide that is released in the air can be prevented by replacing every 75 watt light bulbs with energy efficient bulbs.
o Many banks lent large sums of money to developing nations. In order to pay those debts plus interest many nations have turned to the mining of their natural resources as a source of financial aid.
o Every day 40,000 children die from preventable diseases.
o The public transportation that we have is a wreck. The U.S. continues to promote and invest in private car travel rather than public transportation.
o The human population of the world is expected to be nearly tripled by the year 2100.
o A three percent annual growth rate will result in the doubling of consumption and production of food and other products in 25 short years. The amount of motor vehicles that are expected to be operated will increase 15 million a year until at least 2010.
o The world's per capita grain production has been on the downfall since 1985 despite the use of fertilizers and pesticides.
o Already a train system has been developed (back in 1987) which is based on magnetic levitation and causes minimal pollution. These versions of a train are already in use in several countries.
o Fibre optics, made of glass, are being used to replace copper cables throughout the world.
o The uncontrolled fishing that is allowed has reduced the amount of commercial species. Some species, up to one-tenth of their original population.
o Every day 50 to 100 species of plants and animals become extinct as their habitat and human influences destroy them.

...

And, by the way, what's up with my consistent use of the ellipsis in my blog titles? Like you didn't know there was any more to read without it "..."?! Ew.

Sorry to do this...

Well, I'm sorry to do this. I wasn't going to, because unlike some people (a.k.a. Butt Munch), I was going to be woman enough to leave my blog open to everyone's comments, including cowardly crappy ones. But, since someone (BM?) has since elected to add a bunch of fake comment posts to my blog with links to shit that I don't feel it necessary to expose everyone to (and god knows, they are probably web viruses anyway - I deleted them or took out the links), I am making my blog so that it will no longer accept anonymous comments.


08-25 7:55 pm
UPDATE: I think that the comment I had previously on my "Dear Anonymous" post about sending me the information of their blog was causing me to be picked up for every spam comment post with a link. Therefore, in an experiment, I am making it so that anyone can comment again to see if my removal of said comment, resolves the issue (though I suppose I must concede that it won't prevent right wing asshole fundamentalist Christians that don't believe in freedom of speech from commenting on my blog).

And, last note---
Dear BM (hope you don't mind if I assign you an endearing nickname),

Don't like it? Don't read it.
Thanks. Have a nice day. And, oh yeah. Bite me.
C-rella

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous (a.k.a. Butt Munch),

Thanks for all your nasty comments! I really appreciate the way you try to totally denigrate everything I've had to say. Now let me take a moment on your education. I know, I know, I shouldn't waste my time trying to educate someone that isn't really smart enough to "get it," but let's face it, I'm an optimist. Here's the facts: if your opinions had one leg to stand on, you would back up all your crappy smack talk with your name or email address.

I often think that the true incarnation of the evil in this world is all the hatred people are filled with. You are obviously just another incarnation. I pity you. I hope you forgive yourself. More importantly, I hope you forgive whoever you think "did this to you" since you are almost certainly an "I'm a victim of others" personality type (I'm a huge failure and it's all someone else's fault, really... !!! Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that.).

And, you to have so woefully misinterpreted so much of what I have said, its obvious you don't know me.

Therefore, bite me.
Have a nice day!

C-Rella

P.S. If you ever decide you have something meaningful to say (instead of just parading your cowardice by remaining anonymous and shitting all over other people) I recommend you set up your very own blog. Its free, you know. Sort of like "free speech."

I question the professionalism of...

I question the professionalism (and sanity) of anyone that uses the phrase "yippee kay yo kay yay" (spell how you will - you know what I mean) on a conference call. This is the administrator with one of my clients, stated not once, but twice (!) on a conference call with 10-20 people, including their client and multiple vendors. WTF is she thinking?!

More victims...

Three raccoons. They didn't all go together, either, which makes it sadder to me, a heavier rock in my stomach. One was on one side of the street, the other two were on the other, closer together. Were they waiting and looking for each other when the first didn't make it? Logically I know I must be attributing too much, but how do you explain the three? Far enough apart that no one car could have done it? This is how my mind works.

Post Secret

I think some of these came from me.

I saw God tonight

I saw God tonight.

This was not the zealous southern Baptist's ("you're going straight to hell if you're not one of us") God. Not the Catholic circle of guilt and forgiveness for any crazy ass thing God. Not even the laid back "I don't know what I am, but Buddhism seems cool" god (I'm sorry, but no way is that godzilla cockroach that flies a reincarnation of my great great aunt Mathilda).

This was MY god.

In the form of the most breathtaking and majestic sunset and sky I have ever seen.

Hmmm...

Do you think it would be better to switch to Germ-X and just cease "washing" hands and use Germ-X instead? This seems a little yucky to me at first thought, but my aunt-in-law nurse said these products do work to kill germs and are used in hospitals. Making this change would do three things, where my little hand towel only does one of them... Using Germ-X (or brand X of it) instead of washing hands would:

1) reduce water consumption, and energy to push the water
2) reduce contaminants going into the sewers (soaps)
3) reduce waste of paper towels to dry hands

I am not sure if I am quite there yet, will have to mull this one a bit more. Maybe alternate washing and Germ-Xing... Or something...

Sustainable C-rella Project Day 1

Thanks to sustainable girl and my husband for finding and sending me her website for this one.

Brought a small towel in to work today and will be doing so going forward, to use to dry my hands in the bathroom instead of the wasteful paper towels.

I also have a couple of "ambiance" lighting items on my desk that are just, well, sadly, an energy sap. Turned them off and will probably be bringing them home and donating or selling them since they are purposeless except to use energy. Why resell or redistribute the energy sap instead of destroying it? Well, other folks are sure to continue to consume such things whether I choose to participate in it or not, and it's better for me to try to recycle them than to send them off to the pile of garbage at the landfill - they're not going to just disappear, they'll still exist somewhere, so someone (else) might as well enjoy them. Torn on this, but there is no "good" answer, if only I had never purchased them to begin with.

But, if we begin at all it is better than never beginning! So, I begin today. Welcome to the future!

Irony

Does anyone else find it ironic that Toyota chose to name their biggest and most environmentally unfriendly vehicle after an endangered species of tree (Sequoia)?!

Leaf turned over this week: Work to become more overarchingly environmentally friendly (not just the things that are convenient for me to adopt). I encourage everyone to turn this leaf over.

Myopia

It is sad to me to see how we all end up being our own 20 or 30 somethings with the same sad myopia tunnel vision of what our parents did to shape us. I always said that, no matter what, they wouldn't be the basis of who I am, who I was, or what I will be, and yet I look around and see we are all, inevitably, linked to this sad and damaging experience that was our youth, and (mostly by default) was our parenting and upbringing. I would like to think we move beyond, that we move above and can separate ourselves, but even as I hope for and want to believe in these things, I continue to circle back to the disappointments and damages of my childhood. Those people are gone now, though my father lives on, the being and person that he was in my youth exists no more (what I didn't realize is that his personality was being damaged then too, a self-fulfilling circle of negativity all in the family). My mother is gone. I have no recourse, and truly, I want no recourse. I am stuck like a damaged record in the negative groove of memory that was my childhood. How to release it? How to release myself? Remembrance does not allow forgiveness. Forgetfulness I have tried. Where do the ties break? I want to own these things, if only so that I can take them into the darkness of my heart and then find a way to let them go.

Deal

Quote from my friend and coworker Fabienne's signature tagline on email...

"The measure of our future success and happiness will not be the quality of the cards we are dealt by unseen hands, but the poise and wisdom with which we play them. Choose to play each hand to the best of your ability without wasting the time or energy it takes to complain about either the cards or the dealer or the often unfair rules of the game. Play both the winning and the losing hands as best you can, then fold the cards and ante up for the next deal!"

Death of an innocent

Not sure I can write about this, but I need to. I need to acknowledge it and share this hurt, send it out into the world and see if there are any ripples.

Sitting in traffic this morning I saw a small dead animal in the middle of the road. I am a person that becomes deeply distraught when I think too long about the plight of the only true innocents on our planet, the animals, and their suffering at man's hand, so typically the moment that my brain acknowledges that what I see is an animal I look away... If I look elsewhere I won't think about it, if I won't think about it I won't have to deal with it, if I don't have to deal with it then I won't have to do anything about it. But today I could not look away, I stared. I thought at first it was a tiny red fox. As I looked longer into the face and and at the shape of this tiny victim, I realized that it was a very small fawn. Looking down its body and seeing the fragile spindle legs and tiny hooves shocked my mind into recognition.

I almost break down thinking of it. I wondered how it had gotten there, what had happened to its mother. As I thought more I realized that the week before I had noticed an adult deer that had been killed in the same area, its body laying off toward the woods on the side of the road, but unmistakably deceased. I wonder if this tiny fawn was its offspring, staying near its mother until finally, confused and starving, it wandered into the road to be killed.

Sweet sad little life, my heart breaks for you.

<<< 7:10 pm >>>

Driving home I struggle to keep my mind from focusing on where the tragedy happened. Eyes betray me in finding the small, snowy untainted flash of white on this tainted day.

I raise my hand to block the sight and recognize my unwilling tragic salute...

and whisper insufficient prayer for forgiveness of mankind, "one still mourns..."

Our Amazing Race to submit our Amazing Race application!

More to come this evening... But, at the very last possible moment, WE DID IT! Applications had to be received today (07/26) by 5 pm, our Fed Ex package went out last night, at the very last available Fed Ex dropoff, the place closed at 8:15 pm, we arrived at 8:05.

Cellar°y

We ate at a good restaurant last night, I enjoyed the food and the company, but the prices and the restaurant attitude (for lack of a better word, ambiance doesn't quite get it) were full of themselves to the point of being amusingly silly.

So, if I had an overpriced pretentious little restaurant like Watershed, I would call it Cellar°y. And, instead of having the claim to fame that everything is cooked in butter and heavy cream (even the burgers, ridiculous!), mine would have the claim to fame that everything would be cooked in olive oil and other light natural ingredients. And, of course, it would have a great selection of wines, including a bunch available on the cheap.

But, as my killjoy spouse likes to say "it takes more than a great idea to open a restaurant." Feel the love here? Thanks, babe.


{{{Amendment 07/25/05 9:05 am --- OK, I may have been a bit harsh, it has been a while since John and I have left Gwinnett for sustenance, so I think my view of prices and attitudes may be tainted by ongoing exposure to only common OTP suburban folk [which I myself am], forgetting the attitudes and pretentiousness that are simply part of the "In" ITP Atlantan landscape}}}

I am digging on Damien Rice

Damien Rice, The Hornblower's Daughter lyrics:


And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...


And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time

And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial


I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...


Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?


I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...

My mind...my mind...

'Til I find somebody new

Art du jour

Check out this webpage. Dogumentarian

I want to be this lady.

Check this out, it ROCKS!

Found an AWESOME anti-Bush game. Very educational, with lots of good info. Check it out!!



.

1/3 of the way through, I am loving this one !

It's official, I'm a dumb ass.

OK, so here I am puzzling over this recipe in the South Beach Diet (while prepping other food in between) over the course of the last hour. I read and reread (and reread) the recipe and finally come up here and start searching for it online, because I am SURE that it is missing a key piece of information, like OVEN TEMPERATURE! I could guess, but heck, it could be pretty darn important.

<<<<< Light dawns... >>>>>

Recipe is for "Broiled Flank Steak." That means "Broiled." For those of you who are equally oven-illiterate... There is only one temperature on that round thing in the middle that says "Broil."

Yes, I know the broiler is the part at the bottom, OK?!

Doi.

Spurlock's 30 Days

Spurlock's next big thing, 30 days, is pretty good. A tongue in cheek and condescending look at "poco profundo" Americans (the spanish word for shallow is so much more telling) outside their narrow little comfort zones. Makes you think, though, which is more than I can say for most TV.

South Beach Diet info moved

I was sick of cluttering up my general BLOG with info about my pathetic diet. If you want to keep tabs on me... And lord knows somebody probably should... Go to
http://c-rella1.blogspot.com/, or click the new link in the right toolbar.

Terrorists suck.

Yesterday morning when I woke up, the morning after the terror attacks on London, I had this moment about half way through my morning routine when I realized that the world could be in chaos and I wouldn't even know. I hadn't been listening to the radio. There are no TVs upstairs, so no TV in the background. I had this sudden mini panic attack of 'Oh my god, what if bombs have gone off at 50 other places since the last time I was paying attention?!'

I feel for all the lives lost and I am filled with sorrow for those innocent lives and all the surrounding lives impacted by these ruthless acts.

I think the worst impact is robbing all of us (British included, now) of our security. There was a time when it was safe to sleep through the night. When people felt they could tune in to music instead of news radio in the mornings. When we could all sleepwalk onto our trains, our buses, our airplanes, under the hypnotic spell that was the myth of our security, that is no more.

Is the time is coming for us all to shake off the sleepy head of egocentric apathy and unite toward a common resolve? Personally I think being in Iraq is stupid and pointless, and failing to accomplish anything except to reinforce negativity about the U.S. There must be some better and united direction to go to, rather than everyone existing on their own island of humanity, I do believe we must find it. We are compelled to find it.

I am no politico. I do not care to be. I will, however, unite and fight (figuratively - literally, to struggle, work, leave my comfort zones and make efforts in some way) to regain my sense of security.

Terrorists suck.

I want to be on the Amazing Race

3 minute video required, I think John's willing to apply... Suggestions anyone? Serious tactic, humourous tactic, drama tactic? No tactic, just boring selves?

Heathen addendum

I went back and finished reading my sis' article and have to say that it was very well written and thoughtful, and worth reading if you haven't already. We heathens can be a bit off-put initially by the immediate Jesus references, but this one is right on the money. 'Nuff said.

So I'm a heathen... So ?!

My lovely Christian sister (side note.... wasn't that an 80's rock band?) writes articles for the editorial section of the Wilson County News. You can check them out by clicking the link in the right bar of my blog, going into the Editorial section and looking for articles by Julie Smith.

So, her most recent article is titled "‘What would Jesus do’ today?." I'll be honest and admit I didn't finish reading, not only am I a heathen but I'm a political apathist. Feel free to comment on my worthlessness at will.

Anyway, it just made me laugh, because John (husband and atheist) and I recently laughed our asses off when I said I'd have to get one of those "WWJD" bracelets, except for me it would mean "What Would John Do?" ! Ha! Funny, right? RIGHT? Come on. Sympathy laugh or something here.

- The heathen.

Thanks to Erica for the laugh!! :)

I won't call it a wasted day...

In my recent quest for hobbies I stumbled across an Atlanta book club (http://bookclub.meetup.com/82/ <---- FIXED NOW, that's what I get for copying the code!) and wound up spending today reading Anne Tyler's "The Accidental Tourist." [[[If I could remember more of my English coursework from college I would put those references in the appropriate font types, but let's face it, its just too dam much work to research for too little reward]]].

I had seen and loved the movie several years ago, but you just can't do in film what you can on paper... Cases in point, a couple of excerpts that struck me:

"Gazing out of the window, he all at once recalled Ethan as an infant. Ethan used to cry unless he was tightly wrapped in a blanket; the pediatrician had explained that new babies have a fear of flying apart. Macon had not been able to imagine that at the time, but now he had no trouble. He could picture himself separating, falling into pieces, his head floating away with terrifying swiftness in the eerie green air of Alberta."


And, a conversation with a stranger about reuniting with your spouse after a separation, and floating through the relationship, still not connecting - "times I feel we're just hanging in there":

" 'Like someone who's suffered a loss in a war,' she said, 'and then forever afterward she has to go on supporting the war; she has to support it louder than anyone else, because otherwise she'd be admitting the loss was for no purpose.' "