Come on feel the noise

I'm not really sure why, but for some reason I've always had this aversion to being too direct in asking for what I want. Something in my upbringing has led me to be a person where being direct and specific somehow affronts my deep underlying understanding of propriety.

It's weird, because you know, it doesn't really bother me when people are direct and specific with me, in fact I prefer it. It's just this way I have of MY communication to others... Maybe it's fear. God, that's ugly. It's a hard light to look at myself under, but life on "easy" isn't worth it. I suspect that may be it. Fear. And fear of committing too strongly, coming down hard on one side or the other and finding out I'm wrong. I'm weak. Worthless and weak. Worse. Wishy-washy.

So what happens is that I take this nonconfrontational passive agressive approach to try to direct things, which often doesn't really work out the way I want it to. My fear is continually reinforced, though, because usually when I finally do break down to the point of being direct and specific, it comes off all harsh and inevitably ends up badly. I don't do direct often enough to learn the nuances, how to gently float the truth out there. I don't take time to polish the edges, just throw out the sharp jagged edged reality and hope it goes well. I toss it like a hand grenade, duck and cover. And I usually leave the outcome feeling like I'm the veteran, short a few body parts, thinking "wow, never do that again."

How to learn? How to nuance and massage the details into something presentable but still representative? It's my bane. It's my blind spot.

Floated some truths recently. I'm hoping I won't end up a victim of myself again.