On my 2nd cup

* hack * - gasp -
((exaggerated childlike death spin before dropping to the floor))

KIDDING! M'm. Delicious.

Oooh I have a secret santa... !

So I got the coolest present this morning, left mysteriously (anonymously) on my desk.... Lemon Rose Herb Tea, from a LOCAL herb place, no less!!! I have to say this may be the coolest and most thoughtful thing... I am "wowed" by someone really thinking of me (so many gifts are trifles, monetary rewards for the occasion, rather than a thoughtful and insightful personalized gift).

The local place is Hartley's Herbs, in Cleveland, GA.

Of course, not knowing who left the present is making me
* C-R-A-Z-Y *

I am all weird about presents (not just about presents, you say, yes, I know) and have such a hard time accepting them, thanking people for them, etc. I don't know why. I guess it is just because I am seriously, developmentally, a relationship/friendship retard. I am like the backwards kid and struggle with basic interpersonal relationship things... Or maybe I just feel like that, becoming a self fulfilling prophesy... either way, wow, TMI and *tangent!*!

But being the freakish anal control freak that I am, of course the secret present giver thing is making me crazy. I think because I am all paranoid about being a bad recipient and not actually ever finding and thanking the person. So, if nothing else, here goes...

Thanks, Secret Santa, whoever you are!!
You rock.


After note
I hope it's not secretly poisonous (sips tea). I know I am well and widely disliked around here. I'm not paranoid or anything.

It's delicious, by the way.
.....................................I'm a freak.

JLWS... Love you babe

Somehow this freaky stupid blogger lost your comment but I abso-fricking-lutely did not reject it or something, I remember reading it and I KNOW I hit publish.

Blogger is a freaky thing for me lately though because a minute ago it lost ALL my comments (all my posts said 0 comments) and I totally freaked out and then they came back. But anyway

I love you chick and I'm totally not trying to exclude you

This looks like MY math.

Stupid creepy hobo.

So, I'm sitting in traffic this morning next to a potato chip truck. Some stupid off brand chip, apparently the official chip of Nascar. (After note - the chips are Golden Flake, and the pimped sponsorship is actually Talladega Super Speedway. As Rhi would say - "pffft." Whatever.)

The whole side of the truck and back of the truck is pimping out their Nascar (Talladega) tie-in. But, for some strange reason, on the back upper left panel of the truck, is a small image of a smiling hobo clown kind of like this:



And, above the clown it says "Drive safe - buckle up!"

Now, what I don't get is... What the fuc* is the significance of the clown in this scenario???!!! Are they calling me a clown if I don't buckle my seat belt? Will people pay more attention because the creepy hobo is telling them to?

Whatever. Stupid off brand second rate chip company.

Yesterday was perfect.

Spent the day yesterday leveling a section of yard for a new shed (John) and planting blueberry bushes (me). Weather was beautiful. All around, a perfect day!

And then I turn into a blubbering blob under pressure

Murphy came in bleeding from a cut under his eye. I immediately began to practically have a panic attack and turned into a huge shaking blubbering blob on the phone with John. He is the calm one when that happens, thank god.

The tears came in waves like stress aftershocks for an hour after.

I'm a mess. If anything happens to my dogs you might as well put a fork in me; I'm done.

Sometimes I am too pragmatic for my own good

I am very much a "what's done is done" kind of person and have very little time for people who want to dwell on something that they cannot change.

John is often the "sensitive" one in our relationship and my overly pragmatic viewpoint can drive a wedge between us sometimes.

At these times I feel he wants to revel in his sadness, to wear it like a lead cloak, to have it permeate every aspect of his existence... It shows in his walk, his voice, his words, his overall demeanor. And then he often recedes into the sadness for long periods, an entire day, or days.

I just cannot do that. I don't work that way. It doesn't mean that I am not sad, that I feel nothing, I am just more pragmatic about it. Damn sad. Mourn a moment. Move on. How does it go? Accept the things I cannot change.

I think my relationship with my sister is the same way. We had different ways of dealing with my mom's death, and she just didn't understand mine. I miss my mom often, but I don't want to have weepy hour long phone conversations on the anniversary of her death. Want to call me on her birthday, or mother's day, to talk about how great she was, what we loved about her? I'm all for it.

But I can't wear that cloak. It would smother me. There is a small faint candle in my heart that I've thought about snuffing out myself before. If I put the cloak on I might do it. I just can't. There are some darknesses inside I don't dare to look upon, weights I could easily reach out and grab to take me to explore the depths. They fascinate me but I am wise enough to turn away.

Yes, I am disconnected. In some ways from my true self, in some ways from others.

I guess I'm just insensitive.

Pissy

I am so dam pissy at work lately, I am not sure what is going on with me. I am not normally a pissy person! I think it is a result of feeling totally unchallenged by my current role and no immediate prospect of change. I am definitely the type of person that needs to do new things that keep me learning, even if it means taking a lateral move just to do something different. Once I get bored it all starts to go downhill. I am really trying to hang in there and keep a good attitude, but I can tell I'm not pulling it off all the time... Or even most of the time. Could be compounded by PMS... Stupid hormones.

Time to start the positive self-talk mantras:
"I love my job."

"I love my job."

"I love doing the same thing over and over all day"
(wait, maybe that's not such a good one...)

Comin Clean

I've got to come clean. OK, so I have to admit it.

I'm actually a ridiculously compulsively honest, to a fault, person. I mean, I'm the person who, when someone I am with in line says to the cashier "but, that came from the 20% off rack" I'm saying, "Nooo, that one was on the adjacent rack and not on sale, remember?" - ruining their plans to take advantage of the retail system.

Anyway, so my minor infraction of honesty has been bothering me for the past month. The delicious rice pudding recipe? I ADMIT IT!!! I totally stole it. To see the source, visit the page of my personal idol (I want to be her, she's living my dream!!!) at 10 Signs Like This.

As a footnote - the rest of the stuff here, be it good, bad, or indifferent, unless otherwise credited, is all me. Recipes included. Guaranteed.

I found a source *wink*wink*

Logee's Greenhouse has the Camellia Sinensis (tea plants)! I ordered two and will let ya'll know how they look when they get here :) I am so excited.

I'm such a geek.

Thinking about "growing my own" - tea, that is! !

My recent purchase of a spearmint plant, followed by an Echinacea plant (purple coneflower) has led me to thinking about growing my own tea garden. Upon further researching the subject, apparently you can make your own green, oolong or black tea by utilizing the Camellia Sinensis shrub. Problem is, if you grow it from seed, it takes three years for this sucker to grow big enough to start using its leaves for tea, and I just don't know if I have that kind of patience!! Looks like I'll be doing some searching at the local greenhouses to see if anyone has an actual plant that I can buy.

Baby Bella

The newly psuedo-adopted puppy, Bella, can be seen here for the time being. We had hoped to integrate her with our pack, but our boy dog Murphy is being a shi* head... I love him the most though. I think its a case of fighting it out to establish the Omega (bottom) dog, and he doesn't want to be it. Who can blame him?

Surprisingly, Bella is getting along great with our girl dog, Gracie (the "experts" say that normally its the female dogs that fight). Gracie and Bella have been playing like best friends, it only turns ugly when Murphy gets in the middle.

Bella is a sweet girl, we're going to let her stay with us until we can find her a good home (or she totally melds in and the pack stabilizes, whichever comes first!). She's a doll baby - less than a year old (vet said 7-8 months), no health issues. She's about 35# and should be almost full grown. She's got short stubby little legs and a really long body (kind of like a basset hound or something? Legs aren't quite that short, but that gives you the basic idea of her shape), and the sweetest personality you'll ever meet.

She's also very calm, at least in comparison to what I remember of my other two dogs at her age. She likes to lay next to you and get her neck scratched, and will follow you most anywhere.

OK, to be honest, she's not quite housebroken, but she's a puppy and we're pretty sure she's been an outdoor dog all her life. A little crate training would probably be all she needs to get her on track. She seems to be a quick learner about everything so far!

If you'd like to adopt Bella, let me know; she is a doll and she deserves a loving home.

I so want to do this

Sent the link to John, I think we should do one of their classes as a vacation in an upcoming year very soon (seems we plan our vacations a year or more in advance, or at least decide what they will be). I don't know which course, hunter-gatherer maybe? Too fun, I would L-O-V-E it ! ! !

PS we accidentally got a new dog this weekend. More to come after work, with pics.

2006 Eat Local Challenge coming in May

2006 Eat Local Challenge is in MAY this year, mark your calendars!

10 Reasons to Eat Local

Local places to pick your own (berries, tomatoes, apples, etc.).

And, finally.... you can't beat these meats! Haaaahhaaha!!!! I make myself laugh.

Vegemobile Diaries

Got 1075 miles this time (regular diesel tank last filled 02/08/06).

Biggest problem was that I kept forgetting to switch over to run on the veggie oil (especially if it took a while for the car to get warmed up)! Hopefully that won't be as big an issue once it gets warmer.

Filled up diesel, 11.747 gallons, $2.559/ gallon $30.06.

Delicious salad

Ingredients:

1 mango, peeled, seeded and chopped
1 D'Anjou pear, peeled, cored and chopped
Golden Raisins
Crumbled gorgonzola (or any bleu) cheese
Organic baby spinach leaves
Green lettuce or lettuce mix
Good Seasons Red Raspberry Vinagrette with Poppy Seed Dressing

Mix the mango, pear and raisins. In a separate bowl, mix the spinach and lettuce leaves. Sprinkle the lettuce mix with the gorgonzola, then top with the mango mixture.

For this recipe, I recommend serving it with the Good Seasons dressing. Although I enjoy most of the fruit-based dressings (including Neuman's), most have a very strong flavor that would not do well alongside this already flavorful salad. The Good Seasons vinagrette is just light enough, and yet still flavorful, to be a good complement to this mix.

John, who is not known to be a salad lover - particularly when it is a side salad competing with a main course of filet mignon, as it was when I put this together on Sunday night - cleaned his salad bowl on this one!

The new garden!

So John and I built a garden this weekend. Murphy helped; he got all muddy and ran around the house and then jumped on the bed. Gotta love it!

We planted all kinds of green goodness, namely:
- Sweet peas
- Broccoli
- Green & Yellow Bell Peppers
- Tomatoes (3 kinds)
- Strawberries
- Cilantro
- Parsley
- Spearmint

Cucumbers to come, later on... They weren't available yet. Technically the last frost date in our area is April 10th, so according to that, we shouldn't have planted most of those tender items... But, oh well, we were just too excited about the garden to leave it empty. Hopefully it won't have another cold snap with a frost. We'll see!

Simple sweet

This doesn't seem like it should work, but believe me, it does. If anyone else out there often finds themselves with a quart or more of milk that is on the verge of expiration, the recipe that follows is a good thing to do with it.

I recommend Basmati rice, for this recipe (courtesy of 10 Signs Like This) but also, really, well, for pretty much everything. Hands down, it is the best. Check any Indo-Pak grocery to buy in huge burlap bags at an awesome price (don't waste your money on the teeny overprocessed version of Basmati, or Texmati, or any other variation, at your local grocer).

RICE PUDDING
Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
Mix 4 Tbs. dry rice with 6 Tbs. sugar and 1 quart of milk in an oven dish. Bake 3 hours, or until creamy inside and dark golden brown on top.


If you want to spice it up a bit add a touch of cinnamon or allspice. Heck, if you're feeling really crazy, try throwing in some raisins.

Yum. Enjoy!

Stress

OK, so I quit smoking, like, over 4 years ago. I had dreams the other night that I had reverted to a hard core (pack a day) smoker over the weekend and that I was going to have to really work to get that back out of my system and start over. Weird, right? I think its because I've been uber stressed lately, and eating all kinds of crap (my secret worries about ballooning back up to some larger weight... so far I've recorded a solid 1.5 lb increase that is constently there)....

Anyways. Got to rein myself back in. I keep myself on such a tight leash that I'm sort of worried that if I let it slip I could just go totally out of control nuts.

Got my stuff

Ha! And I'm so over it. Not even pissed or anything. Just over it. All the drama (in my head)... My main problem was worrying I would NEVER get it back (that has happened to me wayy, wayy too many times), or if I did there would be something major wrong with it that was causing all the procrastination to begin with.

And that's it, no nothing, just "here's your stuff." Goes to show me, got to be clear on expectations up front - no one knows your rules but you.

So, IF I ever loan anything to anybody again (big if!), first of all you'll know I must really like you, second of all I either won't have any expectation of getting it back at all, or I'll lay out my rules up front. 'K?? And if that shit doesn't clear it all up and I still have problems getting my stuff, then t'hell with alla ya'll, I won't be your lendin fool.

Nuff said.

Sunburn

Yesterday I got home from my riding lesson and it was SOOO nice out that I just went straight onto the back deck and sat soaking in the sun. I didn't even stop to shower, I just pulled off my socks and paddock boots, pulled up my riding breeches to my knees... And sat, soaking in the first real sun of the season.

I love spring, beautiful perfect days like yesterday. Today's awkward sunburn v-necks down my chest and bands around my arms along the lines of yesterday's t-shirt, making sharp shadow lines down each arm and leg, and each winter white toe kissed with streaks of fiery tomato red.

So worth it; the reminder, spring is coming... Sun is here.

I am so f*ing excited

We're going to Washington to see DMB at the Gorge... Should be great; we've been wanting to explore the great northwest, we'll take a little sampler of it and then figure out where to go from here, once we've seen a bit. As for DMB, a little preview at the Aug. ATL show (always on a Tuesday, blech, goes to show what they think of the straight laced southern baptist region...), to be followed up by a nice Sept. three-day labor day retreat, music back to back Fri/Sat/Sun in beautiful country... We'll kick off with a little Seattle or Portland city life for a couple days prior and for the 3 day event move to living my favorite method, in a tent, hard core, travel to the public showers in your flip-flops, see if the shower roulette gods give you hot or cold. Nothing like waking up and breathing the air that just bounced off the river, the mountain, the GORGE... You and nature, and $1000 worth of hard core REI gear. Got To. Got To Love It.

So much for Rule # 5

One, Two, Three Four Five

A little bit of patience in my life
A little bit of respect on my side
A little understanding's all I need
A little bit of my stuff I'd like to see

Clap your hands once
And clap your hands twice
If you give my stuff back now
Then I'll be all right

Goals

I have been thinking a lot about having goals lately. Stems from my overall life dissatisfaction, feeling that I am not as far along as I want to be, pretty much in anything. My career, my friendships, my personal development. I have high standards, I am not there. If there is, in fact, an attainable "there" to get to at all for me (I think my bar may continue to rise as I rise to reach it).

I want, I want, I want. But I never sit down and make a plan of attack to get. I only "get" if it is a simple process, almost whereby I can simply do one step that begins me on the path and the end is thereby inevitable. If it requires a plan, I don't ever seem to get there, mostly because I never actually sit down and plan it out.

I'm not much of a list maker; I have a certain disdain for making lists and never getting anywhere. I don't want to be that person. I believe in the words of the enlightened one (Yoda): "do or do not; there is no try." Live it. Don't list it.

But, I do think that sometimes, to reach difficult goals, you have to have a plan. So here goes:

# 1 - Sit down sometime this weekend and develop a list of goals.

There. I feel better now, I have a plan (to make one, anyway).