That it is impossible to feel anything less than perfectly happy while wearing snowman underwear.
Happy holidays, ya'll!
Friday, December 23, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
ANWR is not the answer.
Somebody make me a t-shirt. I need to get around to opening my veggie oil station one of these days.... "GreenGoes."
Monday, December 19, 2005
Thank you Sundar
Thank you, Sundar. From his site:
An event occurs; it causes us pain. A routine occurance. And what is our routine response?
Response 1: We go backwards and focus on the cause of the pain. It could be a person. We see the person as the "cause" of our situation and rant and rave about them, either directly or indirectly. We dissipate our energies without any discernible outcomes.
Response 2: We travel ahead in our thoughts and focus on a projected solution to the event. Again, no movement in our status.
In either of the above, we are absent in the moment; we are either behind or ahead. The reality of the moment is pain. Pure and unadulterated by our perceptions. It is just raw pain. The key is to just see it as it is. No justifications, no accusations, no projections. Just be there. Experience the pain totally. In one of my greatest breakthroughs through Grace, I discovered that the intrinsic nature of all experience is bliss. It does not depend upon the content of the experience. The process of experiencing in itself is bliss. The result is a dissolution of the suffering connected to the problem or the emergence of a solution.
An event occurs; it causes us pain. A routine occurance. And what is our routine response?
Response 1: We go backwards and focus on the cause of the pain. It could be a person. We see the person as the "cause" of our situation and rant and rave about them, either directly or indirectly. We dissipate our energies without any discernible outcomes.
Response 2: We travel ahead in our thoughts and focus on a projected solution to the event. Again, no movement in our status.
In either of the above, we are absent in the moment; we are either behind or ahead. The reality of the moment is pain. Pure and unadulterated by our perceptions. It is just raw pain. The key is to just see it as it is. No justifications, no accusations, no projections. Just be there. Experience the pain totally. In one of my greatest breakthroughs through Grace, I discovered that the intrinsic nature of all experience is bliss. It does not depend upon the content of the experience. The process of experiencing in itself is bliss. The result is a dissolution of the suffering connected to the problem or the emergence of a solution.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
I never did play tag well...
Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names.
1. Previously mentioned ADD drift. Watch her folks! If you talk too long, see the glazed eyes and occasional furtive glances around you for an escape hatch.
2. Face picker. I don’t get zits too often, but I’ll carve at whole areas of my face with my nails to try to get them out when I do.
3. Dried up unpopular old person. I don’t know 5 people that have blogs to send this on to.
4. Clothes horse and shopaholic. I shop daily, and when I don’t I have withdrawals.
5. Acutely sensitive and fearful introspective person that continuously tries to show off her pretend brave and invincible armor.
There you have it. I would tag Paulie, since he is the ONLY other person I know with a website (can you call it a blog, in fairness?), but I don't think he'd do it, and probably wouldn't appreciate it. So there you go, my chain ends here.
Say thankee sai.
1. Previously mentioned ADD drift. Watch her folks! If you talk too long, see the glazed eyes and occasional furtive glances around you for an escape hatch.
2. Face picker. I don’t get zits too often, but I’ll carve at whole areas of my face with my nails to try to get them out when I do.
3. Dried up unpopular old person. I don’t know 5 people that have blogs to send this on to.
4. Clothes horse and shopaholic. I shop daily, and when I don’t I have withdrawals.
5. Acutely sensitive and fearful introspective person that continuously tries to show off her pretend brave and invincible armor.
There you have it. I would tag Paulie, since he is the ONLY other person I know with a website (can you call it a blog, in fairness?), but I don't think he'd do it, and probably wouldn't appreciate it. So there you go, my chain ends here.
Say thankee sai.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Skywalker
I am SOOO not on board for this one... The Grand Canyon Sky Walk. I'll be waving from a distant, safe, on the ground point.
- Scheduled to open Jan. 1, 2006 Hualapai Indian Reservation
- Juts about 70 feet into the canyon, 4000 ft above the Colorado River Will accommodate 120 people comfortably
- Built with more than a million pounds of steel beams, and includes dampeners that minimize the structure's vibration.
- Designed to hold 72 million pounds, withstand an 8.0 magnitude earthquake 50 miles away, and withstand winds in excess of 100 mph
- The walkway has a glass bottom and sides...four inches thick
- Juts about 70 feet into the canyon, 4000 ft above the Colorado River Will accommodate 120 people comfortably
- Built with more than a million pounds of steel beams, and includes dampeners that minimize the structure's vibration.
- Designed to hold 72 million pounds, withstand an 8.0 magnitude earthquake 50 miles away, and withstand winds in excess of 100 mph
- The walkway has a glass bottom and sides...four inches thick
Friday, December 09, 2005
KIR cage match, baby
OK, so I was really thinking hard on Paulie's post all the way home. I dislike the overall slant of it, the in your face let me teach you a lesson cracka approach. I went into my post doing my best to say what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, with the utmost respect and separation between what my message was, and who got me started to thinking about it. Cause you know, I wasn't on the attack. But Paulie, you take the opposite approach, you take my words and sentences and forge them with many more of your own into sharp swords to throw at me. OK. Yeah, my knee jerk reaction is to get all caught up in that and just address the intrinsic pitfalls and shortcomings of your means, but you know, we've all gotten so far away from my original intent I just decided I didn't even want to go there. And thinking about all the stuff I would have to say to get my frustration with it all out just made me tired. And, I have a party to go to tonight, I'm out of town next week. I just don't have time. I still like you. We're still friends. I'm not going to clam up (in spite of you, damn you, you bastard... wink wink).
So I'm going to boil it down. Most of what you said - right on. I can see and acknowledge all that - you're right, it's not about white not having an accent, black having an accent, its about educated vs. not, and hip vs. not.
I feel two more things are important - first, you are not the only ones who have ever experienced hateful things. I've always been a member of the geek patrol. Ask me about being spit on by the other kids. Yeah, I know, I've never even had a taste of it, but don't patronize me by acting like I don't even know it exists. I know it does. Ask me about being called "baby," "honey," or my personal least favorite (because it almost seems respectful at first blush until you realize how condescending it really is) "young lady" by the male techs I work with. Being hit on. Yeah, there are worse things, but that doesn't mean that these don't bother me some.
Second, you and Fuzz got all sidetracked into talking about your experiences growing up, your history. That's all cool, it is who you are and I want to hear it. But Pablo, I feel like in between you were kind of spewing some pent up race frustrations at me that weren't about me. You know, even that's ok, it's not always about me. The issue I take is that your method used sentences and continous references from my post to do it. You got race frustractions to vent? Yeah, I'm not really the one you should be using for that, maybe. And you used my words as you saw fit to make your point, make a good piece for the readers, but you committed a cardinal sin by doing all that and then leaving out my point, which I'm feeling has been missed or skimmed over. So, since I obviously stated it badly the first time, I'm going to try it again:
I wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.
So I'm going to boil it down. Most of what you said - right on. I can see and acknowledge all that - you're right, it's not about white not having an accent, black having an accent, its about educated vs. not, and hip vs. not.
I feel two more things are important - first, you are not the only ones who have ever experienced hateful things. I've always been a member of the geek patrol. Ask me about being spit on by the other kids. Yeah, I know, I've never even had a taste of it, but don't patronize me by acting like I don't even know it exists. I know it does. Ask me about being called "baby," "honey," or my personal least favorite (because it almost seems respectful at first blush until you realize how condescending it really is) "young lady" by the male techs I work with. Being hit on. Yeah, there are worse things, but that doesn't mean that these don't bother me some.
Second, you and Fuzz got all sidetracked into talking about your experiences growing up, your history. That's all cool, it is who you are and I want to hear it. But Pablo, I feel like in between you were kind of spewing some pent up race frustrations at me that weren't about me. You know, even that's ok, it's not always about me. The issue I take is that your method used sentences and continous references from my post to do it. You got race frustractions to vent? Yeah, I'm not really the one you should be using for that, maybe. And you used my words as you saw fit to make your point, make a good piece for the readers, but you committed a cardinal sin by doing all that and then leaving out my point, which I'm feeling has been missed or skimmed over. So, since I obviously stated it badly the first time, I'm going to try it again:
I wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.
P.S.
FUZZMOPPET - yes, this one is to you, the only means I have to say it, I was going to add it as another "comment" response but darn it, Yahoo won't let me, I guess because I commented once already.
I was thinking about making the title of my next post "It's official...I cannot askbelievers about god black people about accents because I am agnostic white and it makes them defensive...
Ha ha.... ha? Maybe? God, I hope; if not, just give me a shovel...
I was thinking about making the title of my next post "It's official...I cannot ask
Ha ha.... ha? Maybe? God, I hope; if not, just give me a shovel...
Thursday, December 08, 2005
What are yooou doooing?
I saw a post recently on the blog of a black woman (FM), about how if she and some of her friends were on the phone and someone was listening in, people would think they were white folks. Being a white folk, it got me thinking.
I know you can sometimes tell a black person on the phone. How can you tell? I don't know, I guess when I think on it, to me there is a particular accent or speech pattern. I'm trying to think of some specifics but can't right now. And, you know some black folk use the black folk only lingo (most times white folks don't know the code unless they have a black friend translator filling them in). Yeah, I am SOOOO not in the loop on that, that I can't even give a current example, though I remember one of my friends explaining over the weekend how a drug reference to a half bag of a drug somehow translated into a lingo word for a certain size wheel rim on a car... But I can't remember what the word was...
Anyway, back to the thought. Do white folks have a particular accent that makes it obvious they are white? I always just thought it was lack of a specific accent and lingo, but maybe we have our own code that we speak and I don't even know about it!!!
So, the question is: is it just that we sound like June and Ward Cleaver from the 50's, enunciating painfully clearly and sounding like someone with a stick up their butt (thinking of Eddie Murphy's white person impression here, or the Budweiser "Whazzup?" vs. "What are yooou dooing?" commercial), or do white folk fall into a familiar patter when speaking with each other, as I've heard some of the black folks do?
Somebody fill me in here.
Part Deux
12/08 4:40pmish
The original comment that started me down this road was bothering (is still bothering) me, which is why I started this post to begin with. Let me start again, to see if I can find the problem. I don't know if this is right, wrong, ignorant or OK, but it's my perspective, with whatever innate biases it may have, and so, to some extent it is what it is (feel free to add your two cents, in the words of Michelangelo, at age 87, "I'm still learning").
In my business, working with clients, techs, etc. all day over the phone, I talk to a lot of people. Once or twice I have been surprised to somehow find out that someone was black after having known them for a while via phone interactions. I don't form mental pictures the way some people do, so in my mind I wasn't thinking "this is a white person I am speaking to," it was just a lack of knowledge of their race.
I think that is the difference - I don’t think most people pigeonhole all non-accented people as white (in my mind they could be Asian, middle eastern, white, black, etc.). Based on the comment, it seems that some black people pigeonhole non-accented people as white, and also that this has negative connotations associated with it. It’s almost like to have no accent is somehow a denial of black heritage, but I don’t think that this assessment is good or fair (of or by anyone!).
I’m primarily of German descent. You don’t see me hanging around exclusively with other German people, or stressing a German accent in some situations and using a different accent in others. Maybe back in the 1800’s, the Irish hung out with the Irish, the Germans hung out with the Germans, Polish with Polish, etc. But we’ve come a long way, and been fortunate enough to all move on, and become a “melting pot.” Due to unfortunate circumstances that no one alive today had any part in, the Africans, to put it lightly, got a raw deal (there just aren’t words for it that would fit here and suffice).
I’m sad that some of our ancestors did that to some of your ancestors. But, things are changing. Perhaps back in the day people discriminated against Irish people, but I’m pretty sure we mostly don’t today. And, definitely, back in the day people discriminated against African people, but we’ve come a long way. I think it’s somewhat foolhardy to cherish and protect a particular manner of speech that may have more to do with a lack of education or enunciation and really nothing to do with Africa or heritage, but you know what? That’s your choice. I guess the bottom line is: I just wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.
I know you can sometimes tell a black person on the phone. How can you tell? I don't know, I guess when I think on it, to me there is a particular accent or speech pattern. I'm trying to think of some specifics but can't right now. And, you know some black folk use the black folk only lingo (most times white folks don't know the code unless they have a black friend translator filling them in). Yeah, I am SOOOO not in the loop on that, that I can't even give a current example, though I remember one of my friends explaining over the weekend how a drug reference to a half bag of a drug somehow translated into a lingo word for a certain size wheel rim on a car... But I can't remember what the word was...
Anyway, back to the thought. Do white folks have a particular accent that makes it obvious they are white? I always just thought it was lack of a specific accent and lingo, but maybe we have our own code that we speak and I don't even know about it!!!
So, the question is: is it just that we sound like June and Ward Cleaver from the 50's, enunciating painfully clearly and sounding like someone with a stick up their butt (thinking of Eddie Murphy's white person impression here, or the Budweiser "Whazzup?" vs. "What are yooou dooing?" commercial), or do white folk fall into a familiar patter when speaking with each other, as I've heard some of the black folks do?
Somebody fill me in here.
Part Deux
12/08 4:40pmish
The original comment that started me down this road was bothering (is still bothering) me, which is why I started this post to begin with. Let me start again, to see if I can find the problem. I don't know if this is right, wrong, ignorant or OK, but it's my perspective, with whatever innate biases it may have, and so, to some extent it is what it is (feel free to add your two cents, in the words of Michelangelo, at age 87, "I'm still learning").
In my business, working with clients, techs, etc. all day over the phone, I talk to a lot of people. Once or twice I have been surprised to somehow find out that someone was black after having known them for a while via phone interactions. I don't form mental pictures the way some people do, so in my mind I wasn't thinking "this is a white person I am speaking to," it was just a lack of knowledge of their race.
I think that is the difference - I don’t think most people pigeonhole all non-accented people as white (in my mind they could be Asian, middle eastern, white, black, etc.). Based on the comment, it seems that some black people pigeonhole non-accented people as white, and also that this has negative connotations associated with it. It’s almost like to have no accent is somehow a denial of black heritage, but I don’t think that this assessment is good or fair (of or by anyone!).
I’m primarily of German descent. You don’t see me hanging around exclusively with other German people, or stressing a German accent in some situations and using a different accent in others. Maybe back in the 1800’s, the Irish hung out with the Irish, the Germans hung out with the Germans, Polish with Polish, etc. But we’ve come a long way, and been fortunate enough to all move on, and become a “melting pot.” Due to unfortunate circumstances that no one alive today had any part in, the Africans, to put it lightly, got a raw deal (there just aren’t words for it that would fit here and suffice).
I’m sad that some of our ancestors did that to some of your ancestors. But, things are changing. Perhaps back in the day people discriminated against Irish people, but I’m pretty sure we mostly don’t today. And, definitely, back in the day people discriminated against African people, but we’ve come a long way. I think it’s somewhat foolhardy to cherish and protect a particular manner of speech that may have more to do with a lack of education or enunciation and really nothing to do with Africa or heritage, but you know what? That’s your choice. I guess the bottom line is: I just wish people wouldn’t discriminate against each other (or anyone else!) if someone speaks differently.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Joy
Rhi posted about Joy vs. Happiness today, got me thinking about Joy. Not enough Joy in this world. I think it is something you can choose and give as a conscious gift to yourself, at least for one brief moment. Everyone has their assignments (we all like to have the appearance of structure and order), here is mine: to give myself one moment of sheer JOY every day. Take something and savor it. Right now I am drinking a cup of Chocolate Raspberry Snowfairy Cocoa. Cocoa makes me happy. Nice yummy smells like chocolate and rasberry make me happy. Today, I am going to look into the meditation ball on my desk and savor, and fill my heart with joy for things I can.
Postmortem note: Why the heck is there a P in Raspberry? I noticed it looked wrong when I reviewed the published post, so I had to come back in and add it. But whose idea was the P in there anyway?! Nobody I know says "Rasp berry", it's "RAZ berry". I vote we change it. Razberry. Makes perfect sense to me. Hmm. Back to my Zen moment of Joy.
Postmortem note # 2: I just noticed ANOTHER DARN REFERENCE to Rasberry that I need to change. Heck with it. I'm leaving it. Pfffft. I'm blowing a RAZBERRY at it.
Postmortem note: Why the heck is there a P in Raspberry? I noticed it looked wrong when I reviewed the published post, so I had to come back in and add it. But whose idea was the P in there anyway?! Nobody I know says "Rasp berry", it's "RAZ berry". I vote we change it. Razberry. Makes perfect sense to me. Hmm. Back to my Zen moment of Joy.
Postmortem note # 2: I just noticed ANOTHER DARN REFERENCE to Rasberry that I need to change. Heck with it. I'm leaving it. Pfffft. I'm blowing a RAZBERRY at it.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Sometimes I feel like Martha Stewart
Saturday night we had this little gathering for the football championship thingie that Virginia Tech was in (spousal unit is a Hokie). Just before the party I had this brainstorm about setting up a hot chocolate bar by the beer taps in the basement (we have a 2 tap kegerator built in to the wet bar). I have a hot water dispenser (this one) that is great for hot tea, etc. So, I set it up in the basement, along with a bowl full of sugar-free and regular hot chocolate packets, a smaller bowl with fresh, real, mini-marshmallows, and all the great liquors that would be a great add-in to hot chocolate (mint, cinnamon, butterscotch, and coffee). Oh! And I did have whipped cream to top them with too, though I forgot to pull it out of the fridge. Anyway, I thought it was a super clever idea for winter gatherings, and, Yummy!
You could take this a few steps further if desired, with candy canes to use as "stirrers," packets of hot cider too (possibly good with apple liquor), maybe some other stuff.
You could take this a few steps further if desired, with candy canes to use as "stirrers," packets of hot cider too (possibly good with apple liquor), maybe some other stuff.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
The "it's all about me..." syndrome
Am I a psycho? Quite Possibly. But, perhaps some will recognize this syndrome (at least, jeez, I hope!!!!!).
So last week I wrote my (introspective, what a surprise. It is my "special talent") piece on how I tend to shut down when I lose interest in a conversation, which I am saying OUT LOUD, is a terrible thing to do and something that I am going to work on. Much later I visited my friend Paulie's website and saw a post that says "blah blah blah bitches" (commonly used phrase, but, one which harks back to phrases that happened to be in MY post). So, I read the post thinking in the back of my mind "quasi covert response to my post? or completely unrelated?". So, I finish reading the post and I'm thinking "Could be to me. Not likely, but could be."
I am usually terribly blind (ok, ok, naive, pollyanna, whatever reference makes it understandable to you) when it comes to "seeing" digs at me. Or maybe being a narcississt I just don't think it's possible (ok, not). So, my paranoid response it to piece together threads in my mind that could possibly be a dig (which really never existed), while somehow I manage to overlook and be completely blind to hundreds of people talking smack about me practically in front of my face. Yes, I am a dumb ass. I am a pathetic creature and my interpersonal social skills are awkward and undeveloped. I think it comes from growing up with my sister, 4 years older than me, as my best and only friend until she turned about 12 and I was about 8 and I was suddenly no longer a friend, but a child and a burden, as would happen with any blossoming preteen and youngster, but anyway it screwed me up and here I am. But, I'm blathering.
So I reread my post wondering if possibly there is this back and forth thing going, where he saw my post and thought it was to him. I finish reading the post and think "He could think it was to him. It's not, but possibly he could think it."
What the phuck? I did mention how I love to analyze things, right? What that means is that, not only do I love to analyze mental puzzles created and presented by others, but I also create and imagine my own mental puzzles that mess with my mind. I get all locked up inside my own head and occasionally I create non-existent drama until I finally recognize that I need to let that shit go and move on, because it's all smoke and mirrors in my itty bitty bored over analytical brain.
So, after all my angst, the only solution I could think of, which also might make for an interesting post that (hopefully! really!) somebody could relate to out there, is to just say, the engineer referenced in that post is Bill S., who sits across from our friend Rachel Ray's new digs. I feel ridiculously comfortable posting his name here, because he is not among my friends, and I'm really pretty sure he's not even a friend of a friend of mine in the office. Now, he's a nice guy, but the man just likes to hear himself talk. And if you know him, I think you'll agree.
So, anyway, all that got me thinking of the "it's all about me" syndrome. I write my post, maybe friend X thinks "hey, that's about me", then they write a (quite possibly, completely unrelated) post and I read it and think "hey, is that about me?"
It started me thinking, what a kind of phucked up way is this to communicate? If you choose to write about me instead of confronting me, then in my mind, you're really hating on me and writing off the friendship.
But then, when I think on it (upon analyzing even further, sur-priize sur-priize), that might not be fair either... I often write much more effectively than I can speak - I have time to consider, and edit, and be concise and accurate with my words.
But anyway, please, if I piss anybody off, call me up, come see me, call me on it. Tell me what a bitch I am. Don't turn away pissed off and blog on me later, it's the beginning of the end if you can't be bothered to deal through the confrontation and the conversation. That's all.
Which brings me to enlightenment on my own frustration. I'm debating on writing something on my spousal unit, we've hit a rough patch this weekend and I'm resenting him for it right now, but to post to all ya'll lookers isn't the right answer. I do prefer writing, as I said above, but instead of writing it to everyone and letting the chips fall where they may at the outcome, I'm going to write it to him only... And hope he's willing to be bothered to work through the confrontation and conversation.
So last week I wrote my (introspective, what a surprise. It is my "special talent") piece on how I tend to shut down when I lose interest in a conversation, which I am saying OUT LOUD, is a terrible thing to do and something that I am going to work on. Much later I visited my friend Paulie's website and saw a post that says "blah blah blah bitches" (commonly used phrase, but, one which harks back to phrases that happened to be in MY post). So, I read the post thinking in the back of my mind "quasi covert response to my post? or completely unrelated?". So, I finish reading the post and I'm thinking "Could be to me. Not likely, but could be."
I am usually terribly blind (ok, ok, naive, pollyanna, whatever reference makes it understandable to you) when it comes to "seeing" digs at me. Or maybe being a narcississt I just don't think it's possible (ok, not). So, my paranoid response it to piece together threads in my mind that could possibly be a dig (which really never existed), while somehow I manage to overlook and be completely blind to hundreds of people talking smack about me practically in front of my face. Yes, I am a dumb ass. I am a pathetic creature and my interpersonal social skills are awkward and undeveloped. I think it comes from growing up with my sister, 4 years older than me, as my best and only friend until she turned about 12 and I was about 8 and I was suddenly no longer a friend, but a child and a burden, as would happen with any blossoming preteen and youngster, but anyway it screwed me up and here I am. But, I'm blathering.
So I reread my post wondering if possibly there is this back and forth thing going, where he saw my post and thought it was to him. I finish reading the post and think "He could think it was to him. It's not, but possibly he could think it."
What the phuck? I did mention how I love to analyze things, right? What that means is that, not only do I love to analyze mental puzzles created and presented by others, but I also create and imagine my own mental puzzles that mess with my mind. I get all locked up inside my own head and occasionally I create non-existent drama until I finally recognize that I need to let that shit go and move on, because it's all smoke and mirrors in my itty bitty bored over analytical brain.
So, after all my angst, the only solution I could think of, which also might make for an interesting post that (hopefully! really!) somebody could relate to out there, is to just say, the engineer referenced in that post is Bill S., who sits across from our friend Rachel Ray's new digs. I feel ridiculously comfortable posting his name here, because he is not among my friends, and I'm really pretty sure he's not even a friend of a friend of mine in the office. Now, he's a nice guy, but the man just likes to hear himself talk. And if you know him, I think you'll agree.
So, anyway, all that got me thinking of the "it's all about me" syndrome. I write my post, maybe friend X thinks "hey, that's about me", then they write a (quite possibly, completely unrelated) post and I read it and think "hey, is that about me?"
It started me thinking, what a kind of phucked up way is this to communicate? If you choose to write about me instead of confronting me, then in my mind, you're really hating on me and writing off the friendship.
But then, when I think on it (upon analyzing even further, sur-priize sur-priize), that might not be fair either... I often write much more effectively than I can speak - I have time to consider, and edit, and be concise and accurate with my words.
But anyway, please, if I piss anybody off, call me up, come see me, call me on it. Tell me what a bitch I am. Don't turn away pissed off and blog on me later, it's the beginning of the end if you can't be bothered to deal through the confrontation and the conversation. That's all.
Which brings me to enlightenment on my own frustration. I'm debating on writing something on my spousal unit, we've hit a rough patch this weekend and I'm resenting him for it right now, but to post to all ya'll lookers isn't the right answer. I do prefer writing, as I said above, but instead of writing it to everyone and letting the chips fall where they may at the outcome, I'm going to write it to him only... And hope he's willing to be bothered to work through the confrontation and conversation.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
On being a selfish byatch.
I am always saying to myself (and sometimes to other people) that I wish I had more friends. I had an epiphany today, and you know I’m thinking now that maybe that’s not exactly true. Or at least, you make your own bed.
Occasionally I look at an aspect of myself and realize how ridiculously (mostly unwittingly, but nonetheless) selfish and narcissistic I am. One of the results of this is that I’m really a terrible people person. I am all right there with you if I am interested in the discussion and the person I’m conversing with is bringing me mental puzzles and things that make you say “hmmm.” I LOVE analyzing paradigms, religion, interpersonal relationships. Heck - analyzing anything - it piques my interest. Take it apart, look at the components, put it back together and see if the end result looks the same as what you started with.
Now, I have to say that I’m kind of a “taker” in this respect. I have a laser focus, which is great for being able to stay on task, not forget about conversational threads begun and dropped midway for a departure to a different topic, etc., but it’s lousy for getting the 10,000 foot view to see something from more than one angle. Set me on the path, though, and I shift that laser focus and start narrowing in on all the possible twists and turns… Follow the laser through all the routes; until I feel like I’ve come out on the other side, then I’m done. Topic closed, move on. Cut cord, discussion over.
Focus - my great strength, also my great bane.
And, my selfish hunger for mental workouts. The minute you start going over the boring same old same old blah blah blah, I lose focus and start to drift. I try to focus and remain interested and interactive, but I’m TERRIBLE at it. I disengage. Cut cord, discussion over. As you might guess, this can be somewhat off-putting to the other person, who is sometimes continuing to have this (unbeknownst to them, one-sided) conversation, only to figure out, sometimes much later, that I am no longer participating in (nay! no longer even paying attention to!) the conversation.
Case in point – this morning I was speaking with one of the engineers about a technical issue with one of the clients. We talked (and talked, and talked…) and got to a point where we were, in my not-so-humble (obviously, ya big egotistical self-centered byatch) opinion, picking nits. And, it involved math. And numbers. Not my strong points (either!). I disengaged. He kept talking. I pointed out that I had a meeting I had to prepare for that was starting in 9 minutes. Still talking. I pointed out that the meeting (which I still had to prepare for!) was now in 3 minutes (and sometimes you’ve just got to go to the ladies room, for god’s sake!). Still talking. I grabbed my notebooks and my pen and gathered them to my chest. Yep, you guessed it - still talking. I was on the verge of standing and walking past him toward the bathroom when he finally started backing into the hall (my GOD - STILL talking!) and I took the opportunity to quickly shoot past him toward the ladies’ room with a conciliatory word on the fly.
But, that’s work related. If it had been personal, particularly when I am at work – he’d have been shut down at the 9 minute countdown. Cut cord, discussion over.
Moral of the story – my revelation is that these poor interpersonal tactics may be impacting my ability to make friends. And, to anyone who has been summarily clipped as a result – I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better. Really.
Now what were you saying again?
Occasionally I look at an aspect of myself and realize how ridiculously (mostly unwittingly, but nonetheless) selfish and narcissistic I am. One of the results of this is that I’m really a terrible people person. I am all right there with you if I am interested in the discussion and the person I’m conversing with is bringing me mental puzzles and things that make you say “hmmm.” I LOVE analyzing paradigms, religion, interpersonal relationships. Heck - analyzing anything - it piques my interest. Take it apart, look at the components, put it back together and see if the end result looks the same as what you started with.
Now, I have to say that I’m kind of a “taker” in this respect. I have a laser focus, which is great for being able to stay on task, not forget about conversational threads begun and dropped midway for a departure to a different topic, etc., but it’s lousy for getting the 10,000 foot view to see something from more than one angle. Set me on the path, though, and I shift that laser focus and start narrowing in on all the possible twists and turns… Follow the laser through all the routes; until I feel like I’ve come out on the other side, then I’m done. Topic closed, move on. Cut cord, discussion over.
Focus - my great strength, also my great bane.
And, my selfish hunger for mental workouts. The minute you start going over the boring same old same old blah blah blah, I lose focus and start to drift. I try to focus and remain interested and interactive, but I’m TERRIBLE at it. I disengage. Cut cord, discussion over. As you might guess, this can be somewhat off-putting to the other person, who is sometimes continuing to have this (unbeknownst to them, one-sided) conversation, only to figure out, sometimes much later, that I am no longer participating in (nay! no longer even paying attention to!) the conversation.
Case in point – this morning I was speaking with one of the engineers about a technical issue with one of the clients. We talked (and talked, and talked…) and got to a point where we were, in my not-so-humble (obviously, ya big egotistical self-centered byatch) opinion, picking nits. And, it involved math. And numbers. Not my strong points (either!). I disengaged. He kept talking. I pointed out that I had a meeting I had to prepare for that was starting in 9 minutes. Still talking. I pointed out that the meeting (which I still had to prepare for!) was now in 3 minutes (and sometimes you’ve just got to go to the ladies room, for god’s sake!). Still talking. I grabbed my notebooks and my pen and gathered them to my chest. Yep, you guessed it - still talking. I was on the verge of standing and walking past him toward the bathroom when he finally started backing into the hall (my GOD - STILL talking!) and I took the opportunity to quickly shoot past him toward the ladies’ room with a conciliatory word on the fly.
But, that’s work related. If it had been personal, particularly when I am at work – he’d have been shut down at the 9 minute countdown. Cut cord, discussion over.
Moral of the story – my revelation is that these poor interpersonal tactics may be impacting my ability to make friends. And, to anyone who has been summarily clipped as a result – I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better. Really.
Now what were you saying again?
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