OK, so I just have to make a quick post here. I have a (normally very lovely, or at least, em, normal looking) coworker that I haven't seen in a couple of days, and when I saw her today I just couldn't stop STARING.... Normally a very fair skinned (albeit bottle) blonde, today she looks like (what I envision) a radiation burn victim! Can you say Oompa Loompa, boys and girls?
Now, I'm as big a fan of the Jergens Natural Glow as anybody, but come on. I'm not trying to look like I just bounced in off of Baywatch, I'm just trying to take the weird glow-in-the-dark lizard belly shade of white edge off. The whole all-over tan in super dark - like I'm going to think to myself (mental Napoleon Dynamite voice) "Luuckiie. She must've just come back from the Bahamas."
What inspires people to do such things?!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Notes to self from Hua Hu Ching
Notes to self from Hua Hu Ching, the teachings of Lau Tzu, by Brian Walker
---------------------
From two and four:
The first practice is the practice of undiscriminating virtue: take care of those who are deserving; also, and equally, take care of those who are not.
To practice virtue is to selflessly offer assistance to others, giving without limitation one's time, abilities, and possessions in service, whenever and wherever needed, without prejudice concerning the identity of those in need.
If your willingness to give blessings is limited, so also is your ability to receive them.
-----------------------
From ten:
The ego is a monkey catapulting through the jungle:
Totally fascinated by the realm of the senses,
it swings from one desire to the next,
one conflict to the next,
one self-centered idea to the next.
If you threaten it, it actually fears for its life.
Let this monkey go.
Let the senses go.
Let desires go.
Let conflicts go.
Let ideas go.
Let the fiction of life and death go.
Just remain in the center, watching.
And then forget that you are there.
--------------------------------------------
These are the lessons that have spoken to me so far, I note them here so that I may listen to them longer.
---------------------
From two and four:
The first practice is the practice of undiscriminating virtue: take care of those who are deserving; also, and equally, take care of those who are not.
To practice virtue is to selflessly offer assistance to others, giving without limitation one's time, abilities, and possessions in service, whenever and wherever needed, without prejudice concerning the identity of those in need.
If your willingness to give blessings is limited, so also is your ability to receive them.
-----------------------
From ten:
The ego is a monkey catapulting through the jungle:
Totally fascinated by the realm of the senses,
it swings from one desire to the next,
one conflict to the next,
one self-centered idea to the next.
If you threaten it, it actually fears for its life.
Let this monkey go.
Let the senses go.
Let desires go.
Let conflicts go.
Let ideas go.
Let the fiction of life and death go.
Just remain in the center, watching.
And then forget that you are there.
--------------------------------------------
These are the lessons that have spoken to me so far, I note them here so that I may listen to them longer.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Right now, there IS NO wagon!!!!
OK, I have to post this message for a point of clarity. I am not an alcoholic. I could be. I am NOT.
And, no, I am NOT in denial. So, let me say, THERE IS NO WAGON.
I feel like my previous post was like putting this sticker on my own back that reads "Hey everybody - I'm a friend of Bill W."
Lemme add some clarity here.
1) I am not an alcoholic.
2) Yep, I sure could be an alcoholic, IF I failed to self moderate.
3) I like my drink.
4) I will always like my drink.
5) I still drink.
6) I will always drink, IF my self moderation system works for me.
The system being - recognize that for a couple of days there, I was tieing one on, and I don't need to be that crazy drunk, especially not on quiet TV nights at home.
My analysis: Stupid drunk once a year at a party - OK. Stupid drunk 3 of 5 weeknights at home - PROBLEM. It's pointless, it's stupid, and it's bad for my health. And I KNOW IT... And, I've done something about it - recognize these facts and moderate accordingly. Max - 2 glasses of wine on a weeknight. That way, I don't have to do that whole faulty "but, I don't feel drunk" logic, that always gets me in trouble because it takes an hour before the last glass hits you.
If this system works for me, guess what? I'll continue drinking forever. And yep, if you only see me once a year at a party, guess what? I may be stupid drunk. But if you come over to hang out for a quiet TV night, or vice versa, I WON'T be. I may enjoy one or two glasses of wine, or maybe even (if it is a super long 3+ hour TV session) more than that. But not stupid drunk. Not often. And that's the key.
You know what, if down the road I find that this system doesn't work, I'll roll that damn wagon right in here and jump on singing "Rawhide!" But, I am not there, and THAT is the point.
And, no, I am NOT in denial. So, let me say, THERE IS NO WAGON.
I feel like my previous post was like putting this sticker on my own back that reads "Hey everybody - I'm a friend of Bill W."
Lemme add some clarity here.
1) I am not an alcoholic.
2) Yep, I sure could be an alcoholic, IF I failed to self moderate.
3) I like my drink.
4) I will always like my drink.
5) I still drink.
6) I will always drink, IF my self moderation system works for me.
The system being - recognize that for a couple of days there, I was tieing one on, and I don't need to be that crazy drunk, especially not on quiet TV nights at home.
My analysis: Stupid drunk once a year at a party - OK. Stupid drunk 3 of 5 weeknights at home - PROBLEM. It's pointless, it's stupid, and it's bad for my health. And I KNOW IT... And, I've done something about it - recognize these facts and moderate accordingly. Max - 2 glasses of wine on a weeknight. That way, I don't have to do that whole faulty "but, I don't feel drunk" logic, that always gets me in trouble because it takes an hour before the last glass hits you.
If this system works for me, guess what? I'll continue drinking forever. And yep, if you only see me once a year at a party, guess what? I may be stupid drunk. But if you come over to hang out for a quiet TV night, or vice versa, I WON'T be. I may enjoy one or two glasses of wine, or maybe even (if it is a super long 3+ hour TV session) more than that. But not stupid drunk. Not often. And that's the key.
You know what, if down the road I find that this system doesn't work, I'll roll that damn wagon right in here and jump on singing "Rawhide!" But, I am not there, and THAT is the point.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
It's official, I've lost it.
Or, maybe I'm becoming Californian. Or maybe just Nancy Reagan. You gotta know a lot of those folks are a little touched.
The signs of this craziness, you ask (or at least, I project you asking, but I bet you already caught em)?
Yeah, actually acting based on dreams... Um hum... And crystals? I just don't know about myself any more. I'd like to think that Wicca works and all that, but my OC control freak mind won't even let me go there. No. Possible. Way. Or for sure there'd be more Wiccans than Christians today, methinks.
But, as ka wills, so will it be - the path that found me be what it may, if it has helped me regain the road, none can deny its validity (me included).
But, yep. I'm nuts.
The signs of this craziness, you ask (or at least, I project you asking, but I bet you already caught em)?
Yeah, actually acting based on dreams... Um hum... And crystals? I just don't know about myself any more. I'd like to think that Wicca works and all that, but my OC control freak mind won't even let me go there. No. Possible. Way. Or for sure there'd be more Wiccans than Christians today, methinks.
But, as ka wills, so will it be - the path that found me be what it may, if it has helped me regain the road, none can deny its validity (me included).
But, yep. I'm nuts.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Drinking, dreaming, and the metaphysical properties of crystals
Someone told me once that a predilection for addiction is hereditary. My maternal grandfather was a drunk, and my mother smoked 90 cigarettes a day. I myself am a former smoker. Last night I drank too much wine. Again.
It's hard, because making home made wine, I tend to have a lot of it readily available to me, it's not like I have to dish out another $9-10 to get another bottle. And then with these big wine glasses, its hard to tell when to stop. Unfortunately, what that usually means is that I go from being totally fine to being totally plastered, with what seems like no warning or medium point in between. It is starting to bother me. I drink too much. Shallowly buried suicidal manifestations to be reined back in, like so many others. I could be a totally phucked up individual, if I let myself. But then, I'm an Obsessive Compulsive control freak!
Last night I awoke at about 2:15 am, then lay in bed awake for an hour thinking about it. I was drifting in and out of sleep at one point, I don't remember all of my dreams, but the one I do remember was me holding a very large (I dunno? 8" wide x 12" tall or something? it took both hands) rough crystal, thinking this would somehow help me keep from drinking too much. I awoke briefly from the dream and thought to myself "healing crystals, must look into healing crystals in the morning."
So today I did. In my dream the crystal I was holding was NOT perfectly clear, it seemed to be very occluded, basically not a white or clear crystal, but slightly yellower / less perfect than the white or perfect crystals I would think of as a "crystal" in my waking moments. So today I researched, and when I was looking at various pictures of crystals on line I quickly decided that the citrine was the closest to my dream. I just happened across this information on what that particular crystal is supposed to help to heal:
Citrine: Acid indigestion, food disorders, allergies. Cleansing spleen, kidneys, liver, urinary system, intestines. Mental and emotional clarity, problem-solving, memory, willpower, optimism, confidence, self-discipline. Reducing anxiety, fear, and depression.
Weird, or what? I don't know a damn thing about crystals. Strange I would just happen to dream of the exact one that would be "right" if I did know about them. No other crystals for kidneys, liver, etc., areas impacted by drinking that I found.
Coincidence? I think not. I ordered a quartz crystal and citrine necklace.
It's hard, because making home made wine, I tend to have a lot of it readily available to me, it's not like I have to dish out another $9-10 to get another bottle. And then with these big wine glasses, its hard to tell when to stop. Unfortunately, what that usually means is that I go from being totally fine to being totally plastered, with what seems like no warning or medium point in between. It is starting to bother me. I drink too much. Shallowly buried suicidal manifestations to be reined back in, like so many others. I could be a totally phucked up individual, if I let myself. But then, I'm an Obsessive Compulsive control freak!
Last night I awoke at about 2:15 am, then lay in bed awake for an hour thinking about it. I was drifting in and out of sleep at one point, I don't remember all of my dreams, but the one I do remember was me holding a very large (I dunno? 8" wide x 12" tall or something? it took both hands) rough crystal, thinking this would somehow help me keep from drinking too much. I awoke briefly from the dream and thought to myself "healing crystals, must look into healing crystals in the morning."
So today I did. In my dream the crystal I was holding was NOT perfectly clear, it seemed to be very occluded, basically not a white or clear crystal, but slightly yellower / less perfect than the white or perfect crystals I would think of as a "crystal" in my waking moments. So today I researched, and when I was looking at various pictures of crystals on line I quickly decided that the citrine was the closest to my dream. I just happened across this information on what that particular crystal is supposed to help to heal:
Citrine: Acid indigestion, food disorders, allergies. Cleansing spleen, kidneys, liver, urinary system, intestines. Mental and emotional clarity, problem-solving, memory, willpower, optimism, confidence, self-discipline. Reducing anxiety, fear, and depression.
Weird, or what? I don't know a damn thing about crystals. Strange I would just happen to dream of the exact one that would be "right" if I did know about them. No other crystals for kidneys, liver, etc., areas impacted by drinking that I found.
Coincidence? I think not. I ordered a quartz crystal and citrine necklace.
Rorschach association - roadkill / C-rella
Good to know that when people see roadkill, they think of me. Ha ha!!
Hmmm. Yes, very interesting! I wrote a piece once about how you never really get the opportunity to see yourself through someone else's eyes. Come to think of it, maybe I should be very, very glad of that.
I have a whole lengthy dissertation in me about all my roadkill experiences, perhaps I'll expound on them later this evening. Maybe not. Sometimes half assed is as good as it gets before I lose the impetus and interest to keep working at it. Plus, you know, I hate looking back - and anything I've already touched on line becomes history of sorts. We'll see.
So, for now, that's it. Done. No more pathetic roadkill memoriams. They're dead. Damn sad.
Drive less. Care more.
Hmmm. Yes, very interesting! I wrote a piece once about how you never really get the opportunity to see yourself through someone else's eyes. Come to think of it, maybe I should be very, very glad of that.
I have a whole lengthy dissertation in me about all my roadkill experiences, perhaps I'll expound on them later this evening. Maybe not. Sometimes half assed is as good as it gets before I lose the impetus and interest to keep working at it. Plus, you know, I hate looking back - and anything I've already touched on line becomes history of sorts. We'll see.
So, for now, that's it. Done. No more pathetic roadkill memoriams. They're dead. Damn sad.
Drive less. Care more.
This time, the good wins: the good, the bad, and the ugly
Some of my culinary experimentations are definitely better than others. I referenced in an earlier post that I only cook with recipes; that's true 99.99% of the time. Occasionally I'll delve out on my own, with varying degrees of success.
That being said, this one actually turned out pretty good! And, I love having a "secret ingredient." This one was inspired by a salad that I had at a local restaurant, baby spinach leaves with sliced strawberries.
Ingredients: baby spinach leaves, mixed green salad (bagged type- any lettuce variety you prefer), low-fat feta cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, walnuts, cucumber, real tomato, kiwi fruit and grilled chicken
for 2 dinner-sized servings:
Mix aprx 2 cups mixed greens and 2 cups spinach leaves. Sprinkle with aprx. 4 tbsp low-fat feta. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped sun-dried tomatoes. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped walnuts. Add 1/2 large cucumber (chopped) and the tomato (also finely chopped). Peel the kiwi fruit, chop and add. Toss well, add the chopped up grilled chicken on top.
Serve with Newman's low-fat raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette dressing.
YUM!
That being said, this one actually turned out pretty good! And, I love having a "secret ingredient." This one was inspired by a salad that I had at a local restaurant, baby spinach leaves with sliced strawberries.
Ingredients: baby spinach leaves, mixed green salad (bagged type- any lettuce variety you prefer), low-fat feta cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, walnuts, cucumber, real tomato, kiwi fruit and grilled chicken
for 2 dinner-sized servings:
Mix aprx 2 cups mixed greens and 2 cups spinach leaves. Sprinkle with aprx. 4 tbsp low-fat feta. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped sun-dried tomatoes. Add 2 tbsp finely chopped walnuts. Add 1/2 large cucumber (chopped) and the tomato (also finely chopped). Peel the kiwi fruit, chop and add. Toss well, add the chopped up grilled chicken on top.
Serve with Newman's low-fat raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette dressing.
YUM!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Page from the Vegemobile diaries
"If America can go to the moon, then in the decades to come we should not ever have to have young Americans sent to any part of the world to defend and die for America's gluttony on fossil fuel."
- John Kerry
For the records - Filled up diesel tank 11/09/05, 8:41 am, 11.243 gallons, $2.799 / gallon, $31.47.
We'll see how far that thirty bucks gets us in the Vegemobile.
- John Kerry
For the records - Filled up diesel tank 11/09/05, 8:41 am, 11.243 gallons, $2.799 / gallon, $31.47.
We'll see how far that thirty bucks gets us in the Vegemobile.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Work, and my new outlook
Lately things have been so busy at work that I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed. Combined with the time change (meaning that I only see daylight from my car on my ride in to work in the morning, unless I go out for lunch, which I don't often have time to do), I have been getting more and more stressed out. Also, hubby was gone the whole month of October, and I really missed him, but it is an adjustment (for both of us - I can see I am grating his nerves time to time as well) to be around someone at every moment when we are at home. At work - well, it seems like the work is driving me, instead of me driving the work the way it should be. And, well, it makes me snappish. Oh yeah, and throw the woman's curse this week into the mix. Yay. Moody me.
I have decided, to take control of what I can - my outlook. My new outlook is to STAY POSITIVE. One of my tools is going to be self affirmations. I always sort of thought they were ridiculously silly (someone looking in a mirror saying they love themselves, just seems a little weird/silly to me, I would be really self conscious!), BUT, my affirmations are more like thinking meditative thoughts about remaining calm, and repeating to myself "I am in control," "I have all the time I need to do what is required of me today," etc.
We'll see! And, I'm going to go back to going out to lunch. It REALLY helps me from getting uber frazzled and stressed out - like hitting reset for my attitude. I need it. I sort of feel guilty/insufficient for the fact that I do need it (so many successful people can skip lunch, work 60 hour work weeks, etc - I just don't seem to have it in me to do those things without totally wigging out and being constantly snappish), but what can I do? Recognize, accept, and deal with this reality of my abilities and limits, optimize by taking the steps I know help me to be more centered, more balanced, more effective.
I have decided, to take control of what I can - my outlook. My new outlook is to STAY POSITIVE. One of my tools is going to be self affirmations. I always sort of thought they were ridiculously silly (someone looking in a mirror saying they love themselves, just seems a little weird/silly to me, I would be really self conscious!), BUT, my affirmations are more like thinking meditative thoughts about remaining calm, and repeating to myself "I am in control," "I have all the time I need to do what is required of me today," etc.
We'll see! And, I'm going to go back to going out to lunch. It REALLY helps me from getting uber frazzled and stressed out - like hitting reset for my attitude. I need it. I sort of feel guilty/insufficient for the fact that I do need it (so many successful people can skip lunch, work 60 hour work weeks, etc - I just don't seem to have it in me to do those things without totally wigging out and being constantly snappish), but what can I do? Recognize, accept, and deal with this reality of my abilities and limits, optimize by taking the steps I know help me to be more centered, more balanced, more effective.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Ha ha
I am the walking embodiment of the first and second noble truths of Buddhism.
I am about to make a statement that has been totally unresearched and may be completely unsupported/not in line with Buddhism. I am not a Buddhist, nor do I currently feel up to the due diligence requirement, so I'm just going to stick my next thought up here like I wanted to, to begin with. I may or may not come back to do more research to get the full/better understanding of Buddhism at a later time. Meantime, of course, you may feel free to contribute to my education in this regard as applicable. For now, here's just the next thought:
Does blind acceptance = enlightenment?
I am about to make a statement that has been totally unresearched and may be completely unsupported/not in line with Buddhism. I am not a Buddhist, nor do I currently feel up to the due diligence requirement, so I'm just going to stick my next thought up here like I wanted to, to begin with. I may or may not come back to do more research to get the full/better understanding of Buddhism at a later time. Meantime, of course, you may feel free to contribute to my education in this regard as applicable. For now, here's just the next thought:
Does blind acceptance = enlightenment?
The master of introspection continues... please stand by, our regularly scheduled programming will resume shortly.
I worry what will happen if/when I decide to stop looking. Searching for meaning is the only thing that keeps me alive, but not finding it is slowly killing me. But what does it even matter?
I think I may be here only for others. At times in their lives I know people have turned to me, I have been here, I am always here, I am a rock. But also, times in their lives others have turned to me, I turned and walked away for self preservation.
I have a talent at being the most cold heartless and unforgiving being, I can drop you like a stone, turn my back on you and never look back if you give me a reason to. Once, without reason, only selfish quest for evolution of self, and need to avoid suffocation. Never again. I would sooner suffocate. I carry the black mark on my soul.
I think I could be a killer, I would only need to know I was serving the greater good, put the guy that tortures dogs in front of me and a rifle and capacity for my anonymity in my hands and there would be one less walking embodiment of evil in the universe. I have a talent for drawing clear lines and boundaries in my soul, and I can put people into mental boxes (coffins?) that never get opened again. I see you, you pass in front of my eyes, but you are never in my mind, never again. Burn me once, I scream and curl up in betrayal, hold that flame out again and you will never even throw light on my vulnerability.
But if you are there for me, if you are my friend, I am the most loyal, supportive, consistent, there for you when the shit hits the fan and everyone else is running, person you will ever know. Maybe that is all I am to be. I have saved some, I have damned some, perhaps they are to become the enlightened and it is my purpose only to guide them, not actually to find enlightenment myself.
I think I may be here only for others. At times in their lives I know people have turned to me, I have been here, I am always here, I am a rock. But also, times in their lives others have turned to me, I turned and walked away for self preservation.
I have a talent at being the most cold heartless and unforgiving being, I can drop you like a stone, turn my back on you and never look back if you give me a reason to. Once, without reason, only selfish quest for evolution of self, and need to avoid suffocation. Never again. I would sooner suffocate. I carry the black mark on my soul.
I think I could be a killer, I would only need to know I was serving the greater good, put the guy that tortures dogs in front of me and a rifle and capacity for my anonymity in my hands and there would be one less walking embodiment of evil in the universe. I have a talent for drawing clear lines and boundaries in my soul, and I can put people into mental boxes (coffins?) that never get opened again. I see you, you pass in front of my eyes, but you are never in my mind, never again. Burn me once, I scream and curl up in betrayal, hold that flame out again and you will never even throw light on my vulnerability.
But if you are there for me, if you are my friend, I am the most loyal, supportive, consistent, there for you when the shit hits the fan and everyone else is running, person you will ever know. Maybe that is all I am to be. I have saved some, I have damned some, perhaps they are to become the enlightened and it is my purpose only to guide them, not actually to find enlightenment myself.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Lost
Sun: "Did you see me?"
Locke: "Rip apart your garden? No."
"Sometimes I wish I had a garden to tear apart."
Sun: "I don't think I have ever seen you angry."
Locke: "Ha. Oh! I used to get angry all the time. Frustrated, too."
Sun: "You're not... frustrated... any more?"
Locke: "I'm not lost any more."
Sun: "How did you do that?"
Locke: "Same way anything lost gets found.
I stopped looking."
Locke: "Rip apart your garden? No."
"Sometimes I wish I had a garden to tear apart."
Sun: "I don't think I have ever seen you angry."
Locke: "Ha. Oh! I used to get angry all the time. Frustrated, too."
Sun: "You're not... frustrated... any more?"
Locke: "I'm not lost any more."
Sun: "How did you do that?"
Locke: "Same way anything lost gets found.
I stopped looking."
We're not worthy, we're not worthy
When I was a young girl I always thought of myself as creative. I wrote, and was convinced that my writing was the manifestation of some deep inner creativity. For the past several years, though, I have sort of had this sinking feeling (realization? or harsh self judgement? who can tell) that my creativity isn't really real, it is just the shadowy reflection and emulation of other people's true creativity. I take someone else's idea and do something with it, tweak it. But there is never a true original idea underneath. Beading - a friend started making necklaces, I started making necklaces. No matter how pretty they end up, I know they are just the same thing every other damn jewelry maker on the planet is doing. Sewing? Only with a pattern. Cooking - only with a recipe, maybe I'll add some cayenne. Never good enough.
Knowing these things, that I am totally lacking creativity, I feel empty. I've lost my compass and my direction. I have been waiting all these years (and I'm getting pretty long in the tooth over here, let me tell you) for the light to shine down from the heavens and for me to suddenly realize my purpose, have my creative insight revealed and to know, in my heart, my true direction. Instead what is happening is I am fragmenting and drifting aimlessly. Or as I said some time ago, I am
An oversight by the gods
in between, never
quite reaching ground or
enlightenment
lost forever worthless soul
Which leads me to the subject of this post. Worthiness. I have this supposed high standard that I've been trying to maintain on this blog, trying to keep it to the meaningful shit and leave out the boring "music o the day" crap that somehow still gets out there, that I consider filler. I want what goes on on this page to be riveting. Ok, maybe I'll never get to riveting. I want the shit to be at least interesting. Thought provoking, maybe? All right, all right, I at least want you to be involved enough to finish reading whatever I wrote to begin with. I don't want this to be a forum of information that you're like "thanks, babe, but I could have found that myself somewhere else, don't need you to post it." I want it to be... Well, I guess I want it to be interesting. I want to be interesting.
And right now I am feeling so empty and uninteresting, un-thought provoking. Absolutely not riveting.
I am fragmented
what I am should be could be
desiring oneness
punishing myself
lifetimes come and go and still
I am unworthy
Can you tell I was working in the haiku 5/7/5 for a while? It's all just crap anyway. But damn it, its my crap. So maybe writing about my lack of worthiness is worthy.
Even my damn angst can't be original. All this crap probably represents 99% of my Generation (X). I am X. Fill in the blank. Fill me in.
Blah. Double blah. Somebody out there (you may know that I am totally not sure which god I subscribe to, other than I know he is out there laughing his ass off at my boring lack of drama, drama) gimme something to work with, here!
Knowing these things, that I am totally lacking creativity, I feel empty. I've lost my compass and my direction. I have been waiting all these years (and I'm getting pretty long in the tooth over here, let me tell you) for the light to shine down from the heavens and for me to suddenly realize my purpose, have my creative insight revealed and to know, in my heart, my true direction. Instead what is happening is I am fragmenting and drifting aimlessly. Or as I said some time ago, I am
An oversight by the gods
in between, never
quite reaching ground or
enlightenment
lost forever worthless soul
Which leads me to the subject of this post. Worthiness. I have this supposed high standard that I've been trying to maintain on this blog, trying to keep it to the meaningful shit and leave out the boring "music o the day" crap that somehow still gets out there, that I consider filler. I want what goes on on this page to be riveting. Ok, maybe I'll never get to riveting. I want the shit to be at least interesting. Thought provoking, maybe? All right, all right, I at least want you to be involved enough to finish reading whatever I wrote to begin with. I don't want this to be a forum of information that you're like "thanks, babe, but I could have found that myself somewhere else, don't need you to post it." I want it to be... Well, I guess I want it to be interesting. I want to be interesting.
And right now I am feeling so empty and uninteresting, un-thought provoking. Absolutely not riveting.
I am fragmented
what I am should be could be
desiring oneness
punishing myself
lifetimes come and go and still
I am unworthy
Can you tell I was working in the haiku 5/7/5 for a while? It's all just crap anyway. But damn it, its my crap. So maybe writing about my lack of worthiness is worthy.
Even my damn angst can't be original. All this crap probably represents 99% of my Generation (X). I am X. Fill in the blank. Fill me in.
Blah. Double blah. Somebody out there (you may know that I am totally not sure which god I subscribe to, other than I know he is out there laughing his ass off at my boring lack of drama, drama) gimme something to work with, here!
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Easy peasy, nice n greasy
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