That's me on the right...

I loved Joan of Arcadia

You know, when I think about what to post here I still revert to this crazy high-school level analysis. What will anyone who reads it think? Will they think I'm crazy? Will I finally magically turn into that edgy forward-thinking punk chick I always dreamed of being... starting back in 87? Or will I just be showing my age, tipping everyone off to how out of touch and (for you Atlantans, you'll "get it") OTP I really am.

Y'know what? I am OTP. I am what I yam (Popeye flashbacks and all that). So what. Take me or leave me. Where is all this acceptance I keep yearning for anyway? Not like I ever had it, or have it to sustain. So screw it. I'm no blonde popular cheerleader, or even that anti-cheerleader I wanted to be, leading all the non-blondes to the revolt and revolution, anarchy and all those great 80's ideals.

On that note, I loved Joan of Arcadia. Maybe all you fabulous townies with your list of "things to do" missed out on this show, being that it was at 8pm on Fridays, but I loved it. Finally some great original programming that could actually entice me to tune in on Friday nights and it gets cancelled. WTF? Dam it all, I'm pissed.

Thats all.

I should have been a Catholic

I have so much guilt I should have been a Catholic.When I started out on this blogging adventure I thought that I had so much to say that surely I'd be posting frequent updates. But today's Tuesday and I haven't had one single interesting event or thought since last Thursday. Where is my mind? Ooh I just love The Pixies...

So here I am feeling guilty about not blogging, and I'm not exactly sure why. Its one of those things like being up at 2am snacking. You feel guilty about it, but why? Is there some God out there saying "NO! Don't finish that bag of chips you worthless slob!"? Does the spouse really care? Ultimately its just you and your conscience.

So here's a thought. Let me lay some backdrop about my basic belief system: I believe that in order to justify continuing to draw breath and take up space on this planet we should all strive to improve ourselves. It can be the tiniest thing, but improve. Be better to others. Be better to yourself. Learn. Listen. Still yourself in this ADD society and become what another person needs. Just for a moment!

So, you know what? I am going to be better to myself. I am going to LET GO of this guilt. Not all my guilt, mind you, I'm a realist. Just this guilt: This is MY blog. I started it for ME. I am not going to carry a pointless hurtful guilt monkey on my back about this one thing. There.

Deep breath, in with the good, out with the bad. Bye bye guilt.

So, maybe you'll hear from me later tonight, maybe next month. Take the time in between, be better to yourself too.

Stages of grief

I can't remember how long its been since my mom died. Four years? Five? I started writing this entry and realized I really didn't know, which made me go on a hunt for the "program" from the services we held for her, which led me to realize that I can't find it. Now I'm sitting here swamped with guilt about this. I'm not sure what I feel worse about, not remembering the exact day (though the horrifying moments stay in my heart and feel like I am jostling a jagged shard of glass in my chest when I think of it) or losing the program. This is what its come to, clinging to meaningless scraps of paper that represent the human existance that was my mother.

My heart is hurting now so I have to stop this for a bit and step away, back to my safety mechanism, don't look at the darkness for too long.... I fear it is not the light that I will go to when I pass, times I have seen the dark places and they have called to me.

I came here to post up the words to follow. I wrote the first line knowing this is one of a series to come, stages of grief. This is the pissed off stage ("Anger").

Stages

More to come, as it comes out.

I have nothing but anger for you now
Damn you leaving me
my only inheritance
all the high hopes and expectations
impressed upon me
always the insufficient child of the two
I will never fulfill them
Where were your hopes for my potential?
those things that were my dreams, my capabilities?
the things we buried along the way
You with a sharp word
Me with repressed sighs and hateful thoughts
even I have forgotten them now
I remember all of your dreams
that I never completed
Damn you
all the dreams I never wanted
but of course I want them now
to please you
if only I ever could
learn it all and be your dream
a higher class pointed toe polished tongue princess
and not this insufficient slouched shoulder directionless child
that you left
I should have grown more
Damn you

Chillin to the music

I recently discovered that there are free music downloads on amazon.com. You just go to their webpage and select "music downloads" from the drop-down search options. My favorite downloads so far are "Sugar"- the Concretes and "The Shining" - Badly Drawn Boy.

Highly recommended... !

Wren Babies!

WILD WATCHERS by Donna Swanson

Out on the prairie where the wheat blows free
lives a red-tailed hawk
and his daring family.
They hunt for their supper
and they wait in the trees,
out on the prairie where the wheat blows free.

Down in the valley where the wild river runs,
lives a great horned owl
and her wide-eyed sons.
They hunt all day in the rabbity runs,
down in the valley where the wild river runs.

Here in my yard where the violets grow,
lives a tiny brown wren
who loves her babies so.
She watches for the hawk
and she watches for the owl,
here in my yard where the violets grow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Peeked in yesterday (scared off mommy) and saw WREN BABIES!

They're all beak.

I'm no mommy, dearest!

It seems that with any newly married couple the next question that comes up is "when are you guys going to have a baby?" It always surprises me that virtual strangers feel that it is perfectly OK to pry this deeply into something that I feel to be a very personal decision and also therefore deeply personal information. And yet, people do this every day with no qualms.

Here's my answer (and yes, Alex, it is my final answer) - I'm no mommy, dearest.

Yes, I always thought as a youngster that I would have the perfect house and the perfect family with 2.5 children. But then, at that age I also thought that there was a perfect job waiting for me and that I would be soooo happy in my adulthood eating cake or potato chips every night for dinner. I have since discovered that there is no perfect job. I enjoy consoling myself with the occasional potato chip or cake dinner.

The older I get the more set I am with this decision. Call it Generation X self-centeredness if you will, perhaps this is the root cause of this movement that John and I are a part of. We just cannot imagine voluntarily bringing the financial and personal disruption of a child into this life of ours. Call us hedonists if you will, but we are ENJOYING our independence! And we are not alone. Some of our closest friends have chosen to follow the same path (though I will not tag them with my selfish reason theory as the cause; their reasons are their own).

Dinners out like the one we enjoyed last night at Macaroni Grill only serve to confirm our decision. We could barely hold our conversation amidst the constant whining and bleating of several nearby children. I swear that some of the noises that come from children are of such a decibel and wavelength they could effectively be used to call Lassie home from another continent. Perhaps a "Tokyo Rose" style weapon in the war on terrorism. The repeated loop of "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" in an escalating pitch and note would surely drive some to lay down their weapons and run to hide in caves.

For some reason the decision and reasoning for not having children also seems to be one that everyone feels is up for open discussion. Parents always assume that you just don't have enough of an understanding of the joys of parenthood, and if you only could appreciate these joys you'd be out humping it up right away to produce those offspring. Believe it or not, all you parenthood preachers - I have had a couple of parents out there tell me they would have done it differently. Parenthood is not for everyone, and John and I have both decided, voluntarily, with no undue pressures one to the other, with no hesitation or concern, that it is not for us.

I'm no mommy, dearest, and I'm OK with that. I hope eventually everyone else comes to peace.

BLOG tip o the day

I feel like my BLOG is out here in a big cyberspace vaccum... A few thoughts posted and no "comments" from friends or family, except a couple received via email, outside of my new favorite BLOG format. So, just in case it could be a need for insight into the inner workings of the BLOG system (others out there may be part of the uninformed masses that I, myself, was a part of less than 2 weeks ago) here's my "BLOG tip o the day."

You can comment on any or all of my posts by clicking on the "0 Comments" link at the end of any of the posts. I figured out how to change the settings so that you don't have to have a Blogger account to comment. But please, don't be anonymous! That's the selection for the folks who can't stand behind what they're posting and I might elect to delete those comments on principle.

Note to Jules and others - yep, its publicly viewable by anyone that stumbles to the correct web address. (Hi to any of my new unknown web stalker fans!!!). I'm honestly not too worried about this because I don't consider my BLOG to be fascinating enough to inspire anyone to return unless they know me.

And, finally, note to Austin - HI!!! I can't wait to see you guys :) !!!

Brainman

"The line between profound talent and profound disability seems really a surprisingly thin one."

- Daniel Tammet, "Brainman"


Recommended TV: "Brainman" on the Discovery Channel.

How cool is this?

So how cool is this... We had this party about a month ago and in preparation I went out and bought a couple of those round pots filled with a mix of flowers that you buy for $12 at Home Depot. I put one of them on a plant stand at the top of the deck stairs and the other on the table (outdoor furniture - btw, Wal-Mart has surprisingly nice and inexpensive outdoor furniture!).

On to the point... Sitting next to the table the other day I see this little mass of (appears to be) clotted up leaves and pine needles. I start poking around and... out flies this bird! Teeny little thing, finally we figured out that it's a Carolina Wren, at least we think.

We wondered if I'd scared it off, but a couple of times since we have scared the bejeesus out of it and it's scared the bejeesus right back out of us, flying out of there when we go to poke around and look for it, or even just stand nearby.

I worry it will move out. I moved the chairs away from the table so that 1) we wouldn't disturb him when we're out there and 2) the dogs couldn't get up on the chairs and get up on the table, which I have seen the rascals do. John, on the other hand, goes into commando "I'm taking back my deck" mode and moves the chairs right back over there and plops his butt down (talk about pissing me right off, which of course he just thinks is most humorous...).

I hope it stays.... Now I just worry that the babies will get eaten by my babies (the dogs).

Which reminds me of a related topic - we have red-tailed hawks that live nearby, which I thought was really cool until I saw one of them flying tree to tree. I was watching it thinking how magnificent it was until I noticed that there was a much smaller bird trying to swoop it. It was trying to get the hawk away from its nest, where the hawk was eating the eggs. Dam* hawk. I kept watching and it went to about 5 other birds nests and the little helpless birds all swooped and screamed but couldn't stop it. I'm an animal lover and I know all about the circle of life and all that BS, but come on, that hawk could eat some rodents or something. I wouldn't even mind if it was catching and eating some of the smaller birds, but to go in there and pillage the eggs, UGGH! The one time I wished I had a slingshot, to at least scare it off or something.

Late adopter

I was telling my husband the other day about how cool I thought it was when I discovered these messaging forums on www.atlantagasprices.com and started interacting with people to ask them about their thoughts on BioDiesel (more info: www.biodiesel.org). He proceeded to call me a "late adopter."

I also recently discovered what the heck a BLOG is... OK so maybe he's right....

So this is post numero uno to try this out as a forum for myself. I'll often think about something and then think "I need to write that down" but then I never do. Poetry, curious ideas, vague concepts for novels, "rants" about one thing or another, boring "deep thoughts" that I think are fascinating when they first hit, etc.

So here I am world! I'm always looking for myself, the true me, the meaning of my existence. Maybe this will help me gain a little perspective if nothing else.