Abandoned Christmas trees make me sad.

One day.

I have trouble finding motivation to do anything because it all just seems like such bs. I mean, what I am doing won’t make a difference anyway, so why bother? We’re constantly thrown one catchphrase after another that resonates, because we know it to be so: “Just Do It,” “dance like no one’s watching” (*blech*), “time waits for no man,” and the ubiquitous “carpe diem.”

Anyone who has had any tenuous success grabbing onto these theories is quick to share their importance, to push others to do the same, to preach the benefit of living moments in the ways we know we should, the ways we know we want to.

And yet the apathy always returns, insidiously sucking away at us. It steals our energy, robs us of our convictions, secretly, quietly, sponging it up. Atrophy at its finest, our peak of action, momentum and control… gradually… declines… just a little now... just a little. Slowly, it disintegrates. At first we see it, hold it, smell it, feel it… even grasp clingingly to it! Then, our focus wanes, our backs turn for a single moment and then it is gone, a mere mirage, something beautiful we once knew.

But it was there!!! Right there! It was beautiful. You’ve just got to know this feeling. You are on track. After having been a drooling observer from the sidelines for so long, you have finally driven the car. We must get it back. And we will. We will seize the day. We will execute our moral imperatives.

After this show.
When we finish dinner.
If we can save enough money.
Once we lose the weight.

If we can release the fear.
Once we stop procrastinating.
After we wake up and recognize our future.

When we embrace change as both inevitable and good
and stop hiding and justifying our way out of our own potential.

One day.

I'm not Living with Ed yet

Post note: I was pretty disappointed in the Living with Ed show. I was going into it hoping to find out some real helpful information about how to live an a sustainable manner from someone that was already doing it, and the show is more of a "can you believe I'm married to this crazy person?" perspective.

***** Hey, America - this guy isn't crazy, he's right. *****
In fact, he may be the only sane one out of all of us.


If you haven't watched An Inconvenient Truth yet, you need to watch it. I intended to go when it was in the theaters and didn't make it happen. I just watched it on Friday night.

First let me say that I went into watching it a bit reluctantly. What I mean to say is, I have definitely wanted to see it since it came out, but I had this notion that I had to watch it at the appropriate moment, being that it was sure to be dry and boring. I just knew that when the movie started I would have to be in the appropriate serious - and wide awake - mood. Suffice it to say that after a long day at work I wasn't sure how awake I was, but decided to "just do it."

This movie was no boring and dry presentation. I found it to be moving, motivational, charismatic... Effective. It made me want to buy 100 copies and leave them places with a stipulation note that says "to take, must watch and share."

All you crazy fools out there who think global warming is a government conspiracy (yeah, how does that work again?) - and though I'm not sure I can still claim you as friends I personally know some of you idiots - need to wake up and smell the atmosphere.


I'm glad I went vegetarian.
I'm glad I use compact fluorescents.
I'm glad I have an alternatively fueled vehicle.
I want to do more.
I need to do more.



I'm glad I'm not having children.

Tiny elephants!

JB always cracks on me because (on the rare occasion that I remember my dream) I have the craziest dreams. He’s just jealous.

So last night I dreamt I was flying just over the treetops, my feet dangling down below me like I was on some cool amusement ride. But it was even better because I could direct where I was going. Now, wait! That’s not even the cool part.

So I was looking down at the treetops as I skimmed by, and I noticed that on the top branches of one the trees (like he had somehow fallen there, maybe off the “ride”) was a tiny live elephant!

So I got really worried once I saw him, because he was stuck there and couldn’t get down. The little guy looked like he was in serious trouble. I knew that if I left him there, he’d either fall and get seriously hurt, or die of starvation. So, I directed my (? Let’s call it a hovercraft for lack of any knowledge of what the heck it was, it was like I was sitting in it with my feet hanging down and loose) “hovercraft” back over the tree and streeeetched down and scooped him up with my foot, and then gingerly transferred him to my hand. He was so tiny that he fit comfortably in the palm of my hand with room to spare. I could tell he was dehydrated and starving because his skin was all loose and hanging on him.

In my dream we now cut to me sitting down to dinner and looking at my plate of food to try to find something I can feed to the elephant… And guess what I finally gave him?! Tiny torn off bits of BROCCOLI! Isn’t that great?!

Of course, now queue JB, jumping out of bed like he was poked with a cattle prod, to answer his ringing cell phone (dream ends here).

Wouldn’t the tiny elephant be a great children’s book character? In my dream he was SOOO cool.

Ok, so maybe I’m nuts. Or maybe it’s some kind of Freudian message about my newfound vegetarianism (since 12/17).

It was a great dream though.

Living with Ed

I'll be watching this Sunday at 7pm.

American Zen is running sideways, writing books, lecturing, referring to theology, psychology, and whatnot. Someone should stand up and smash the whole thing to pieces.
- Nyogen Senzaki

Everyday humor

Preface: There is a lady at work that people refer to as "I Love The Eighties." 'Nuff said.

Actual conversation from 12-21-06

I.L.T.E.: "Actually I do all of my shopping at consignment stores"

Me: (Nooooo... You'd never know! Hahahahaha!!, trying not to do the almost involuntary trio-combo of snort, spurt spit out of my mouth and "HAH!" out loud). "Really? Wow! ...Um... Yeah, I love to shop consignment."

Next thing you know we'll be talking about how all her clothes are "actually 20 years old but [she] takes *really* good care of them."

Hee hee hee!!

Evil. I am evil. But damn it was funny.

Happy Birthday Mommy

I am conflicted about think about and miss you every day.

Save the dam* planet.

And stop unwanted junk mail.

I love my sis.

And here's one of many, many reasons why.

They Have Officially Thought Of Everything Now.

It's true. Someone has finally thought of everything you can think of. We're done. There will be no more inventions. We have reached our creative apex and will only spiral downward back through all of our evolutionary phases until we are once again Neanderthals.

Who, ironically, would probably really appreciate things like this. If they even knew what the heck it was. And... y'know... knew about guns, and all.



By the way, don't miss the season! It's not too late to pick up your condom advent calendars!

Dude, this guy is amazing.

By the way, have I mentioned how much I am enjoying Firefox's new "Stumble!" feature? I LOVE IT! ! ! ! !

Julian Beever

You have totally got to check this out

Storms

When they ask to see your gods
your book of prayers
show them lines
drawn delicately with veins
on the underside of a bird's wing
tell them you believe
in giant sycamores mottled
and stark against a winter sky
and in nights so frozen
stars crack open
spilling streams of molten ice to earth
and tell them how you drank
the holy wine of honeysuckle
on a warm spring day
and of the softness
of your mother
who never taught you
death was life's reward
but who believed in the earth
and the sun
and a million, million light years
of being.

© 1986 J.L.Stanley

I got a whole lotta nothin.

What does it mean when months of your life go by and you feel as if you have nothing new or meaningful to say?


I am as fun and exciting as a bag of hammers.


To beauticians.


(Maybe if you were a carpenter, a bag of hammers would be fun).


I am sick of myself.

A Reflection in the Mirror

Do you ever wish you could see yourself from someone else’s perspective? When I started to think about this speech, one of the first things I wondered about is how other people see me. If you really think about it, this is a large part of who we are. What other people think about us shapes our friendships, our careers, and our lives... whether we want it to or not. The irony of it is that we will never really know what other people see. The closest any of us will ever get is looking at our reflection in the mirror.

When I looked into my mental mirror and started to think about what I could say about myself, I realized that there were three perspectives I could talk about. The first one was, what do other people think about me? Then the harder questions. When I look into the mirror today, what do I see? And finally, who do I see myself becoming?

So I began trying to find out what people think about me. I asked several people the following question. If you could use three adjectives to describe me, what would they be? Now, I realize that the very fact that I am there asking the question affects the response, so I tried to encourage everyone to be brutally honest. I figure that even a hearing “obnoxious, selfish, and inconsiderate” would teach me SOMEthing (maybe not to ask!!). The responses I got surprised me. Here are the words my friends used to describe me:

Positive Deep Punk Outgoing Creative
Ethereal

I don’t even know what ethereal means!! I looked it up. Webster’s says first “airy, light, and intangible,” then “heavenly.” I still don’t know what it means... but I think I like it. They also said something about my connection with animals that I couldn’t really figure out. Oh, no! It’s not what you think. For those of you who know me, I have very strong feelings about animal rights... But that’s another speech.

Then I asked some of the people who don’t know me very well the same question. Again, I was surprised. Their responses included:

Sparkling Intelligent Compassionate

And I want to encourage YOU to think about this question. I want to know how YOU see me. If you have time tonight, I hope you’ll write down your three adjectives and give them to me.

This little experiment taught me a lot about myself and life. What do I see when I look in the mirror? Well, if I only had 3 adjectives to describe myself, my first response would probably be “weird, awkward, and self-conscious.” Then, if I thought about it for a minute, I would probably say “evolving.” One of the things I pride myself on is that I continually try to change, to grow. A few years ago, I heard something that really made me think. Act brave, and no one will know the difference. So I started to act brave. I started to purposefully take on some of the things that scared me. I made a point to think, if there were no fear, what would I do? I acted brave. And you know what? No one can tell the difference!!

This year, I got the best birthday present anyone could ever ask for... and I gave it to myself. I gave myself permission to make big mistakes. Because if you don’t allow yourself to make big mistakes, you’ll never take big risks. And I think you have to take some big personal risks to grow.

Who am I? I am many things. I am a dabbler. I am a poet, a student, a toastmaster, an INDIVIDUAL. When I look in the mirror today there are many reflections. I remember the person I was at 20, shy, quiet, and introverted. I see the person I have become. I am BRAVE.

Who do I see myself becoming? This is the hardest question of them all. I want to do more, to have more, to be MORE. But more WHAT? Well, I hope I never know. What’s left when there is no MORE? I hope I can always say I am evolving. When I am old and gray, I still want to be able to look in the mirror and see all the things I have been, and all the things I can be.

Welcome to Atlanta!

Welcome Flexcar!

Riding out a god-awful case of the fuglys

I’m in the process of changing my hairstyle – painful, and actually something I haven’t successfully done in, oh, let’s see… 15+ years? For a woman, that’s a long time to be sportin’ the same look. For a man it’s usually OK, in fact it’s lucky - assuming you’ve still got all your hair.

I’ve tried to change before from my staple, the “pixie cut.” I’ve done a few minor variations (little flippy curls up the back, etc.), but no real change. That’s because every time I have ever tried to make a “real” change, which (obviously) requires me to GROW the hair (unless I wanted to do a Sinead, which I’ve been tempted to do before…), I always get the inevitable mid-growth attack of the fuglys and, very quickly, give up and chop it back off again.

I’m hoping this is the time that I can make it through. I’m hoping I’ve come to peace with my inner fugly. I am trying very, very hard to ride it out like the rodeo champ I’d like to think I am.

You see, I have a vision of the future. It is a vision of me with cute, somewhat longer (not much, just a bit), and, (most importantly!) different hair.

And, on days like today (and yesterday, and the day before, and actually for a bit now…), when I look in the mirror with a deep depression mingled with bitter resolve and frustration, I will have to heave my deep *sigh* at the fugly looking back at me… And try to remember the vision.

I have a hair cut appointment Saturday at 9:00 am. I'm telling myself, today, that it is to shape this damn fugly so that at least it is fugly with intent and direction and not just fugly by coincidence. But, if my wobbly borrowed patience hat (what, you think I even own a patience hat that I could put on if I wanted to?! Yeahriight.) slips off in a moment of despair... Well, we'll just have to wait and see.

I really really really want this.

And you can get it here if you wanted to buy me a present.

I have ALWAYS wanted to have hot pink hair.

Or, at least, since the mid-eighties, which feels like always and (O.M.G.) is before some now bar-legal babies were born.

The obstacle has been, simply, that whole *work* thing. The places I've been working at since my 19th birthday would, let's just say, "frown" on it. At minimum.

But.... Here's my chance ! ! ! ha ha ha ha ha!!!