I got a whole lotta nothin.

What does it mean when months of your life go by and you feel as if you have nothing new or meaningful to say?


I am as fun and exciting as a bag of hammers.


To beauticians.


(Maybe if you were a carpenter, a bag of hammers would be fun).


I am sick of myself.

A Reflection in the Mirror

Do you ever wish you could see yourself from someone else’s perspective? When I started to think about this speech, one of the first things I wondered about is how other people see me. If you really think about it, this is a large part of who we are. What other people think about us shapes our friendships, our careers, and our lives... whether we want it to or not. The irony of it is that we will never really know what other people see. The closest any of us will ever get is looking at our reflection in the mirror.

When I looked into my mental mirror and started to think about what I could say about myself, I realized that there were three perspectives I could talk about. The first one was, what do other people think about me? Then the harder questions. When I look into the mirror today, what do I see? And finally, who do I see myself becoming?

So I began trying to find out what people think about me. I asked several people the following question. If you could use three adjectives to describe me, what would they be? Now, I realize that the very fact that I am there asking the question affects the response, so I tried to encourage everyone to be brutally honest. I figure that even a hearing “obnoxious, selfish, and inconsiderate” would teach me SOMEthing (maybe not to ask!!). The responses I got surprised me. Here are the words my friends used to describe me:

Positive Deep Punk Outgoing Creative
Ethereal

I don’t even know what ethereal means!! I looked it up. Webster’s says first “airy, light, and intangible,” then “heavenly.” I still don’t know what it means... but I think I like it. They also said something about my connection with animals that I couldn’t really figure out. Oh, no! It’s not what you think. For those of you who know me, I have very strong feelings about animal rights... But that’s another speech.

Then I asked some of the people who don’t know me very well the same question. Again, I was surprised. Their responses included:

Sparkling Intelligent Compassionate

And I want to encourage YOU to think about this question. I want to know how YOU see me. If you have time tonight, I hope you’ll write down your three adjectives and give them to me.

This little experiment taught me a lot about myself and life. What do I see when I look in the mirror? Well, if I only had 3 adjectives to describe myself, my first response would probably be “weird, awkward, and self-conscious.” Then, if I thought about it for a minute, I would probably say “evolving.” One of the things I pride myself on is that I continually try to change, to grow. A few years ago, I heard something that really made me think. Act brave, and no one will know the difference. So I started to act brave. I started to purposefully take on some of the things that scared me. I made a point to think, if there were no fear, what would I do? I acted brave. And you know what? No one can tell the difference!!

This year, I got the best birthday present anyone could ever ask for... and I gave it to myself. I gave myself permission to make big mistakes. Because if you don’t allow yourself to make big mistakes, you’ll never take big risks. And I think you have to take some big personal risks to grow.

Who am I? I am many things. I am a dabbler. I am a poet, a student, a toastmaster, an INDIVIDUAL. When I look in the mirror today there are many reflections. I remember the person I was at 20, shy, quiet, and introverted. I see the person I have become. I am BRAVE.

Who do I see myself becoming? This is the hardest question of them all. I want to do more, to have more, to be MORE. But more WHAT? Well, I hope I never know. What’s left when there is no MORE? I hope I can always say I am evolving. When I am old and gray, I still want to be able to look in the mirror and see all the things I have been, and all the things I can be.

Welcome to Atlanta!

Welcome Flexcar!

Riding out a god-awful case of the fuglys

I’m in the process of changing my hairstyle – painful, and actually something I haven’t successfully done in, oh, let’s see… 15+ years? For a woman, that’s a long time to be sportin’ the same look. For a man it’s usually OK, in fact it’s lucky - assuming you’ve still got all your hair.

I’ve tried to change before from my staple, the “pixie cut.” I’ve done a few minor variations (little flippy curls up the back, etc.), but no real change. That’s because every time I have ever tried to make a “real” change, which (obviously) requires me to GROW the hair (unless I wanted to do a Sinead, which I’ve been tempted to do before…), I always get the inevitable mid-growth attack of the fuglys and, very quickly, give up and chop it back off again.

I’m hoping this is the time that I can make it through. I’m hoping I’ve come to peace with my inner fugly. I am trying very, very hard to ride it out like the rodeo champ I’d like to think I am.

You see, I have a vision of the future. It is a vision of me with cute, somewhat longer (not much, just a bit), and, (most importantly!) different hair.

And, on days like today (and yesterday, and the day before, and actually for a bit now…), when I look in the mirror with a deep depression mingled with bitter resolve and frustration, I will have to heave my deep *sigh* at the fugly looking back at me… And try to remember the vision.

I have a hair cut appointment Saturday at 9:00 am. I'm telling myself, today, that it is to shape this damn fugly so that at least it is fugly with intent and direction and not just fugly by coincidence. But, if my wobbly borrowed patience hat (what, you think I even own a patience hat that I could put on if I wanted to?! Yeahriight.) slips off in a moment of despair... Well, we'll just have to wait and see.